Kindergartener does not want to go to school

[Anonymous]

Our daughter had been in full-day daycare and preschool prior to entering MoCo public K this year. She never had any problems with school before, but she is saying she hates school, doesn't want to go, etc. At first I thought it was just the before/aftercare, but now it seems to be her class too. She has a great teacher and knows a couple kids in her class, but she is seriously anxiety-ridden, crying, clinging to my leg, basically not letting me go. The past two days I had to get the school counselor to take her in. She seems to be okay when I pick her up at aftercare at the end of the day, but then it starts all over again that night and the next morning. I've talked to her about what is bothering her -- one thing was that she hates the lunch period because she does not have time to eat. She asked me to only put a couple things in her lunch, and she is obsessed with being able to open things, so I've been practicing with her and snipping the corners of snack bags, etc. Her anxiety seems to be over random things... like she is afraid to put her backpack in the bin at before care because she is afraid she won't be able to find it in time when it's time to go to class, so she just keeps it on. Things seem to be getting worse going into week three (week one was actually not bad, but things started going downhill last week), and I'm just not sure what to do. I need to go to work, and she needs to go to school. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Awww. I'm sorry she feels that way.

Is her backpack labeled? Does she know it? Perhaps you can buy one of those big key chain thingies you can put on so it'll be easier for her to identify it.

Lunch is stressful. My K child also says she doesn't have time to eat. Does your daughter have friends she sits with? Perhaps she's talking too much? The teachers and lunch staff stressed that the child should know how to open all the containers. Perhaps she doesn't want to ask for help?

We had a similar issue last year, but ours was later in a year. Once we got that figured out (took about 2 wks!) it was fine.

Try to piece the entire story together on what exactly is bothering her (during driving/bedtime was the best time for us). My son told us exactly what was bothering him (someone stepped on his fingers, someone else laughed, no one said they're sorry, etc) but it was here and there and we thought we solved it right away. It was only after I retold him his version of the story with ALL the details that he said, "that's what I've been trying to tell you".

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Aw poor thing. I know it's hard. My son started kindergarten this year as well, and he's had some anxiety. Not as rough as your daughter, though. I'll tell you what I do in case any of it sounds like it might be helpful.

I bought my son a neon green backpack so it wouldn't be so easy to lose.
I pack his lunch stuff in Klip It containers, which are pretty easy to open (he has some fine motor skill issues).
http://www.containerstore.com/shop/kitchen/foodStorage/leftoversPlastic?productId=10021675&N=74063

I stick 100% to a routine, from waking to sleep, so that he feels safe in his expectations of the day.

I have worked with him since day one on being a "problem solver." So he self-identifies this way, and it gives him a good measure of confidence. Problem solving can be as simple as asking the teacher when you don't know what to do. And I stress that to him as well. That teachers love kids and understand that troubles may come up. They are there to help, and if anything is ever too serious, they will call me at work.

I've also read this book to my son for a couple of years, especially when he was having some trouble in day care. It's a wonderful book about how Mom loves her child all day long, even when (especially when) apart. And my son finds it very comforting:
http://www.amazon.com/Love-You-All-Day-Long/dp/0060502762

I agree with PP as well. Definitely acknowledge her feelings. Help her talk through them. Remind her that even as scary as it may seem, she's doing very well and making it through each day without any big problems. It may also help to discuss the fact that "you" (and/or Daddy) face problems, sometimes scary problems, at work or home. And talk about how you are the problem solver. Even better, let her see you be a problem solver. It sounds goofy, but I talk through problems such as missing a turn when I'm driving somewhere I've never been before. And I tell my son how I will try different things to figure out a solution. He seems me mess up, try something different, sometimes fail, but ultimately succeed. This part won't solve her anxiety over night, but over time it can really help build her self-confidence.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I just want to say that I don't have any advice for you, however, I am experiencing the same situation with my son! He started K a few weeks ago and for some reason, does not seem to want to go in the mornings. He seems fine when I pick him up in the afternoons though. My son has been in full time school since he was three and loved going each morning. He is in a new school now, it it is much bigger and I think his teacher is strict. I never thought he would have problems adjusting to school and it breaks my heart when he holds onto my leg in the mornings and tells me he wants to go home! I am hoping that he gets used to the school and teacher soon. I really want my happy little boy back!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter had been in full-day daycare and preschool prior to entering MoCo public K this year. She never had any problems with school before, but she is saying she hates school, doesn't want to go, etc. At first I thought it was just the before/aftercare, but now it seems to be her class too. She has a great teacher and knows a couple kids in her class, but she is seriously anxiety-ridden, crying, clinging to my leg, basically not letting me go. The past two days I had to get the school counselor to take her in. She seems to be okay when I pick her up at aftercare at the end of the day, but then it starts all over again that night and the next morning. I've talked to her about what is bothering her -- one thing was that she hates the lunch period because she does not have time to eat. She asked me to only put a couple things in her lunch, and she is obsessed with being able to open things, so I've been practicing with her and snipping the corners of snack bags, etc. Her anxiety seems to be over random things... like she is afraid to put her backpack in the bin at before care because she is afraid she won't be able to find it in time when it's time to go to class, so she just keeps it on. Things seem to be getting worse going into week three (week one was actually not bad, but things started going downhill last week), and I'm just not sure what to do. I need to go to work, and she needs to go to school. Any advice?

Try talking to the teacher, who has probably seen this once or twice during the years. Teach might have some tips.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you can role play with her. You play her and she plays the part of the teacher or cafeteria person, etc. to see if that has her show her pinch points and you model how to resolve the problems, such as asking adults for help, finding a friend to sit next to, finding the lunchbox, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses. So I've been trying to get more information out of her. She seemed okay when I got home today. My husband had picked her and our son up from aftercare. I've emailed with her teacher, and she said she was fine the first week, but then last week she started to cry when they were getting ready to art one day -- said she doesn't like art (!), and again when going to lunch and then aftercare (in the school) at the end of the day. This has basically continued over the past two weeks. Teacher has been good about talking to her and comforting her and getting her to stop crying. She keeps saying she misses me and her brother during the day. This was never an issue in her preschool, so I know it must just be the adjustment to a new, much larger school. I really think the root of the problem is that she doesn't like going to before/aftercare though, as the conversation keeps coming back to that. It's like she has no interest in making the effort to make new friends, join the fun clubs they have, eat the snacks they offer (and this a girl who loves to snack!). The company that runs the aftercare is awesome and does a great job of keeping the kids entertained, but she just has convinced herself that she doesn't want to be there. I appeased her tonight by telling her I would pick her up from aftercare a little earlier than usual tomorrow since I'm working from home, but I won't be able to do that every day. This is causing me so much anxiety. I'm dreading having to go through this day after day.

[Anonymous]

How big is the aftercare and is it separated by age? Aftercare was a big transition for my kids. They were one of many kids at different levels.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. It's so sad and frustrating and makes the start of the day awful. My DD went through this.

One suggestion - stop talking about it with her. Your instinct that it's the before/aftercare that is too much for her right now is likely right so stop probing. It's likely making her more anxious. Time is actually one of the only solutions.

[Anonymous]

My DD went throught the same thing last year and I pretty much had to drag her kicking and screaming into the classroom for a couple of weeks. She pretty much was hostile and crabby for 20 mintues each morning and sat in a corner until she warmed up. She also complained nonstop about aftercare.

It all ended after about a month when she clicked with a couple of girls in her class and aftercare. She'd be real nervous until she saw her new friends and would then run and hug them and would be OK afterwards.


She also hated the hot lunch and I didn't figure out why for a while. Mainly the bagged lunch kids got to sit first and start eating, so she didn't get to sit where she wanted. I ended up packing her lunch since then.

[Anonymous]

I've read a lot about how kindergarten transitions are hard. It should get better in the next month. But I feel for both of you. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

The kindergarden transition for us was HUGE. My daughter came from a pre-K that napped, and there were no naps in kindergarden, so she was exhausted on top of everything else.
SHe knew no one well (we attended the playdates, but she clung to my leg and refused to play with anyone). Her first friends were in aftercare.
I agree with the previous poster who suggested packing her lunch. Once we stopped buying lunch (which I thought she'd like as a "grown up" activity) she had more time to socialize. The hot lunches were awful, too (not the schools' fault--they outsource the hot lunches to another company).
It took us a few weeks to settle in, and my daughter, too, had spend years in all-day daycares, since I work full-time. I think the Kindergarden teachers know how huge the step is, and for the first few weeks (it took us about 2 months--SORRY) they just keep the kids alive, and send them home.
Good luck, OP. We've been there, done that--it does get better, and you can see the growth in the child's social skills and independence.
Hugs to you and to your child!