"The Talk" with my DS13 - - please help!

[Anonymous]

I've talked to DS all along about the facts of life; I think he gets it in this capacity. We also talk about principles and moral choices. I know he knows where I stand on this and what the Bible has to say about it. (Yep, this is going to have some religion and moral overtones in my post, LOL!!)

So, I'm at the point where in addition to the "ideal", I'd also like to provide insulation against the consequences of the stupid decisions teens make (witness Bristol and Jamie Lynn and their boyfriends). I know I need to make 100% sure he understands about unprotected sex being the single worst enemy of his own future success. I can't pass this off to his dad, because we're divorced and I can't vouch for what he would say. My current DH does not share my religious beliefs (to the point of almost being sick about telling him to "get some" in his teen years... WTH?!) So this is falling to me to have a conversation with DS13, who will be MORTIFIED I should add.

Any thoughts? I am also conflicted because I had sex early, and often. Yes, I was rebellious against my parents, but my parents never talked to me directly or indirectly about <whisper> sex. So I can't point to my past, and I hate to think if he asks me directly. He also knows I married his stepfather earlier than planned due to a 'surprise' baby. And I have capitalized on that when talking to him about sex and birth control. I've also talked before about child support if the girl decides to keep the baby, and how that would impact him for years to come even if they don't marry.

How would you spin this? At what age is it critical to get this information out there to him? He's in 8th grade and has a little girlfriend from church. So far, I have no reason to worry but in a couple of more years, I don't know...

[Anonymous]

Yes, you do have reason to worry about this.... my younger brother got his girlfriend pregnant when he was a freshman in HS.

And both families were "good" Christian families.

The only reason it all came out was they each lied about where they were went they went to get an abortion and the whole thing came tumbling down.


I am not yet at the point when I need to have these conversations - my DS is 2. But I encourage you to start having convserations now.

[Anonymous]

You need to have the conversation with him yesterday.

I once worked (as a clinical social worker) with a 14 year old boy who had become a father because he was from a family of Jehovah's Witnesses and it had been drilled into him that masturbation was evil. So he picked intercourse as the lesser of what had been explained to him as two evils.

Teenagers have strange little minds.

Talk with him and don't believe him when he tells you he knows things already. If he does that, say, "Yes, but I need to know that I've told you the correct information because that's my job as a mother" or some such.

Again, I used to work with a bunch of teens (most more on the high risk end) who would claim to know it all. But, when taken one on one, they would ask questions like "what's oral sex?" because they didn't know what the word oral meant (they knew about and had already experienced blow jobs, however).

[Anonymous]

It is never too early and never too late....does this make sense?

In any case, good for you for being so aware and trying...it counts for a lot. Something I noticed in your post is everything you have TOLD him. By this time (in 8th grade) he has some well-formed opinions and is fast developing new ones. I would find ways to LISTEN to him. Ask him how he feels about the Bristol and Jamie Lynn situation. And just listen. The fact he can speak to you, I would argue, is FAR more important than trying to lecture/scare/persuade him into your views. You have experience, he does not. You cannot transport your experience on to him, which is what I think a lot of parents try to do. The wisdom we possess comes more from patient listening and support than from infrequent lectures and fear-driven rules. Give him ALL of the facts, STI's, AIDS, pregnancy (which is far from the worst that can happen) in an age appropriate way. Use your school counselor. There is no religion that prohibits facts, they just different paths for prevention. Sorry, this is a bit rambling, but I think you are going to get advice on WHAT to SAY to him, but I think you MUST find a way to LISTEN. NOT JUDGE. Let him know you are a safe haven and you love him unconditionally. He will let you down, everyone always does, but you will not lecture. You will support. THAT is what keeps kids pants up and listening to their parents. RESPECT and unconditional love.

FYI: I have been a teacher of 8th grade boys for 8 years and a school counselor. Trust me on this.

[Anonymous]

"I know I need to make 100% sure he understands about unprotected sex being the single worst enemy of his own future success."

I would stress as the pp pointed out the pregancy is no longer the worst thing that can happen to a child. You can get HIV or other STDS. You can have these for life. Just havening an open dialoge with your son is so important.

-a middle/high school health teacher

[Anonymous]

Check out the Older Kids Forum - I posted "having the talk" two weeks ago.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if this same rationale will work for boys but it worked with me ... I was the very last one in my group to have sex - I was 20. My mom and I had started having conversations about it when I was in 4th grade or so (I remember reading "Where did I come from?" with her) and one point she made to me that actually got through was that she knew I would most likely have sex before I was married but that she hoped that I would at least think I was in love before I made that decision. She even said that I would most likely not be in love but at least in my young mind I should feel like I was. I always kept that in the back of my head as I was making out with some boy I was dating and when I really thought about it I knew that it was infatuation, not love. Granted, even at 20 it wasn't infatuation but a big mistake but at least I was mature enough to understand the consequences and take precautions.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a lot of points people have said, but wanted to add:

1) when I was 13, my mom gave me an "Our Bodies, Our Selves" book. It was all 1st person accounts of human sexuality and a bunch of biology. It was great b/c a lot of it was factual, and it was easier to read it than listen to my mom talk about it! (and we were pretty close, anyway!) Plus she gave it to me so I was "allowed" to be seen reading it.

2) Talk to your son about how sex is a good thing, but the most important thing is to have it at the right TIME, with the right PERSON. Both those things have to be in place. Otherwise, it is just not that enjoyable or worth it.

[Anonymous]

I would add that your experience is irrelevant. If your son brings it up, you can say, "we're talking about what I would do if I knew what I knew now, and what we would do if we could do what works best. Just because I never graduated high school doesn't mean you shouldn't want to go to college, etc."

[Anonymous]

What I mean is, you don't have to apologize for your own sex life.

[Anonymous]

I was just thinking about this myself, as I am deeply upset by some of the dialogue going on right now about teenage pregnancies. I have 2 young boys (6 and 4) and already we talk about how babies are cute, but a lot of work.
I do not came at this from a religious standpoint - so I can't offer anything to back you up there. However, my husband was the "oops" baby of a teenage mother. His parents got married, his dad went into the army and when he was 7 his parents got divorced. He grew up in poverty, in an abusive household, and he is determined to keep that from happening with his kids.
Maybe some of the things to point out to your son - what kind of jobs can he get with varying education levels (no high school diploma, some college, bachelor's degree, etc.) Get out your own household budget and show him how much food, clothing, rent/mortgage, utilities, etc. cost. Point out that none of that includes diapers, formula, etc. Emphasize that Jamie Lynn has her own source of income (HIGHLY unusual) and Bristol apparently has parents who are willing to "subsidize" a grandchild - but that it is unlikely that he or any girlfriend could count on that. The financial impact (as we all know) if huge.
If you can, find adults who had kids in their teens, or were the children of teenage parents and have them talk honestly about the hardships and positive experiences (yes, there are always positives so they should be acknowledged honestly). The rearing of a child typically affect the mother more than the father, especially in today's society where most teenage parents do not get married, but hopefully you have taught him to take responsibility for his actions and he can apply that here.
This is so hard - especially with what is in the media right now. And we all know what hormones can do. But - as a parent, can we not figure out how to say - yes, sex feels good, yes, there will be times when you will desperately want to have sex, and the results of having sex can stay with you forever - and I am telling you this as an adult who has experienced the whole gamut - the urges, the enjoyment, and the results. Anything worth doing, is worth waiting for so that you can do it without regrets or reservations...as a teenager, you don't have the resources for that to be true.