Daughter married a doctor, he’s pressuring her to pay off his student debt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I met my DH, I earned more than him, had no debt while he had medical school debt. Now I am a SAHM, while he earns over seven figures. I helped him pay his debt off. I mean your DD is married and once he is an attending he may very well earn more than her.

I get we all like bragging about our incomes, but can we please stop saying this?! If he earns "over seven figures," that means he earns...eight figures, i.e., at least $10M per year. You probably meant he earns like $1.2M, which is definitely still seven figures.

SAHM PP sounds like a troll anyway. Anyone with any familiarity with the medical field knows attendings don’t make bank. It’s private practice physicians who make 7 figures.

SAHM poster here. I just refer to attendings as physicians who have completed their training. And nit picking wordings on a message board is lame. So he makes seven figures and funds a nice lifestyle. But I helped pay off his student loan debt. But no matter what OP’s DD will pay for debt either way. If her husband pays the debt by himself it just means less money for the family unit.

And with her attitude, more likely he will then want to keep his nice salary "mostly for himself" after paying basic expenses. You are either all in together for finances or you aren't.
IMO, it's a much healthier attitude to have the "it's all ours" mentality, as you are a family. And if one person has debt, the family has debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard No. she could pay if off and he could divorce her next day.

This is not like i married wife and she had car loan and I paid it off. Or my old GF who had 5k in credit card debt if I married her.

This is draining life savings, to pay off loan a guy who could dump her next day and leave her divorced and penniless

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did they not discuss before marriage how they planned to handle that debt?

Of course not. Daughter had $$$ in her eyes to marry a doctor. Clock was ticking to lock him down and start having kids. When you’re in that mode you don’t give concerns to trivial things like compatibility, debt, social issues, extended family involvement, alcohol, etc. It’s just a race down the aisle.

+1. I don’t agree with the daughter paying off her husband’s loans, but people are seriously stupid about financial and general life prospects of doctors. Unless they’re from a rich family, they have crazy debt, crappy work life balance, unless they take a lower paying job, and the higher paying specialties don’t pay enough to justify the other bad stuff like stress, being on call, limited vacation time, navigating bureaucracy, etc.

Not true at all. While the training years suck, we know several specialists in private practice making $500k+ working 40-45 hour weeks and only taking home call a weekend every other month.

500k after so many years of training and crazy debt is not great. It’s worth it if you have no debt though.

When you can make that money not in a HCOL area where really nice homes are $800k and private schools are cheap, it’s a LOT of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did they not discuss before marriage how they planned to handle that debt?

Of course not. Daughter had $$$ in her eyes to marry a doctor. Clock was ticking to lock him down and start having kids. When you’re in that mode you don’t give concerns to trivial things like compatibility, debt, social issues, extended family involvement, alcohol, etc. It’s just a race down the aisle.

+1. I don’t agree with the daughter paying off her husband’s loans, but people are seriously stupid about financial and general life prospects of doctors. Unless they’re from a rich family, they have crazy debt, crappy work life balance, unless they take a lower paying job, and the higher paying specialties don’t pay enough to justify the other bad stuff like stress, being on call, limited vacation time, navigating bureaucracy, etc.

Not true at all. While the training years suck, we know several specialists in private practice making $500k+ working 40-45 hour weeks and only taking home call a weekend every other month.

500k after so many years of training and crazy debt is not great. It’s worth it if you have no debt though.

When you can make that money not in a HCOL area where really nice homes are $800k and private schools are cheap, it’s a LOT of money.

+1
Several of our residents deliberately chose jobs in LCOL areas for this reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did they not discuss before marriage how they planned to handle that debt?

Of course not. Daughter had $$$ in her eyes to marry a doctor. Clock was ticking to lock him down and start having kids. When you’re in that mode you don’t give concerns to trivial things like compatibility, debt, social issues, extended family involvement, alcohol, etc. It’s just a race down the aisle.

+1. I don’t agree with the daughter paying off her husband’s loans, but people are seriously stupid about financial and general life prospects of doctors. Unless they’re from a rich family, they have crazy debt, crappy work life balance, unless they take a lower paying job, and the higher paying specialties don’t pay enough to justify the other bad stuff like stress, being on call, limited vacation time, navigating bureaucracy, etc.

Not true at all. While the training years suck, we know several specialists in private practice making $500k+ working 40-45 hour weeks and only taking home call a weekend every other month.

500k after so many years of training and crazy debt is not great. It’s worth it if you have no debt though.

When you can make that money not in a HCOL area where really nice homes are $800k and private schools are cheap, it’s a LOT of money.

+1
Several of our residents deliberately chose jobs in LCOL areas for this reason.

Ugh but then you have to live in some dump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re not meddling, our daughter came to us about this. She has a great career, advanced degree, and zero student debt. She met her husband while he was a medical resident, so all of his debt accumulated not just pre-marriage, but before they even met. It’s an eye popping sum I think in part because he attended prestigious private colleges, while she attended public universities our family could afford.

Should she be helping him wipe out such debts?

Sorority sister helped pay off her now ex-husband’s medical school loans. He used the newfound financial freedom to go buy a $100K convertible Mercedes and began cheating on her. A lot of doctors are scummy narcissists and terrible with money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re not meddling, our daughter came to us about this. She has a great career, advanced degree, and zero student debt. She met her husband while he was a medical resident, so all of his debt accumulated not just pre-marriage, but before they even met. It’s an eye popping sum I think in part because he attended prestigious private colleges, while she attended public universities our family could afford.

Should she be helping him wipe out such debts?

Sorority sister helped pay off her now ex-husband’s medical school loans. He used the newfound financial freedom to go buy a $100K convertible Mercedes and began cheating on her. A lot of doctors are scummy narcissists and terrible with money.

It's actually quite shocking how so many are god awful with money.

I get it though. They've been sacrificing and pinching pennies for 12+ years since graduating high school. They are finally making some respectable money and feel they have arrived. So lots of them get no-downpayment doctor loans for a nice house and a pricey vehicle lease. And that's on top of paying back their loans and even taking out more debt to buy into a medical practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re not meddling, our daughter came to us about this. She has a great career, advanced degree, and zero student debt. She met her husband while he was a medical resident, so all of his debt accumulated not just pre-marriage, but before they even met. It’s an eye popping sum I think in part because he attended prestigious private colleges, while she attended public universities our family could afford.

Should she be helping him wipe out such debts?

Sorority sister helped pay off her now ex-husband’s medical school loans. He used the newfound financial freedom to go buy a $100K convertible Mercedes and began cheating on her. A lot of doctors are scummy narcissists and terrible with money.

It's actually quite shocking how so many are god awful with money.

I get it though. They've been sacrificing and pinching pennies for 12+ years since graduating high school. They are finally making some respectable money and feel they have arrived. So lots of them get no-downpayment doctor loans for a nice house and a pricey vehicle lease. And that's on top of paying back their loans and even taking out more debt to buy into a medical practice.

It’s the singular focus on medicine and hubris. They have huge childlike blind spots but don’t acknowledge them. They arrogantly believe they always know better, so they often spend recklessly and ruin their finances. OP’s daughter has demonstrated fiscal responsibility, her husband has not, yet he believes he has the right to take charge of her finances to dig himself out of a hole. Once he uses her to get out of a hole, he’ll probably blow money on a Porsche and buying into a practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is something that should have been discussed before marriage; they are now a financial unit and need to work together -- unless she thinks he is doing this to get his loans paid off and then plans to divorce her. Did they not talk about this before the wedding?

We as a family made very specific choices so she would have zero student debt. I can’t fault her, someone who’s never had student debt, for not gaming out how her future husband would deal with his student debt he racked up before they even met. Student debt is a foreign concept to our daughter. And now she’s feeling uncomfortable that he’s trying to soak her to quickly pay off his ritzy private degrees.

I assume many responses are from people my age. College costs and loans were much more manageable in the 80s and early 90s. Her husband took out a mortgage worth of debt to attend pricy colleges. His debt would be much more manageable had he gone to less expensive public universities as she did. I don’t know how married kids their age are dealing with this, but it feels unfair and almost coercive to anyone in my daughter’s shoes.

My friend met and married a guy who had just finished his MBA at Stanford University. He took loans and had a lot of student debt. She went to an average public college and had no student debt. She had a good job out of college making 100k at 25. He was going through a difficult time working at a startup. She didn’t want to be soaked into his debt and felt like he would slow her down financially. She divorced him.
That guy met another girl and remarried. His career took. Today he’s the CFO of a Fortune 500 company making tens of millions.
She was wrong and still regret her choice today.
She failed to see that the Stanford MBA student debt was a massive investment into the future.

Actually sounds like she dodged a bullet.

If the bullet comes with that much silver hit me. Hit me twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard No. she could pay if off and he could divorce her next day.

This is not like i married wife and she had car loan and I paid it off. Or my old GF who had 5k in credit card debt if I married her.

This is draining life savings, to pay off loan a guy who could dump her next day and leave her divorced and penniless

This is an odd take. His debt has value, it’s given him a skill worth more than the debt. I would be much more upset with 5K in credit card debt that shows my spouse cannot manage money than 200K in debt that raised my spouse’s earning potential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard No. she could pay if off and he could divorce her next day.

This is not like i married wife and she had car loan and I paid it off. Or my old GF who had 5k in credit card debt if I married her.

This is draining life savings, to pay off loan a guy who could dump her next day and leave her divorced and penniless

This is an odd take. His debt has value, it’s given him a skill worth more than the debt. I would be much more upset with 5K in credit card debt that shows my spouse cannot manage money than 200K in debt that raised my spouse’s earning potential.

His debt has value only to him. If they divorce, she can sell a house or any other asset backed debt, she has no claims over his earning power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did they not discuss before marriage how they planned to handle that debt?

Of course not. Daughter had $$$ in her eyes to marry a doctor. Clock was ticking to lock him down and start having kids. When you’re in that mode you don’t give concerns to trivial things like compatibility, debt, social issues, extended family involvement, alcohol, etc. It’s just a race down the aisle.

+1. I don’t agree with the daughter paying off her husband’s loans, but people are seriously stupid about financial and general life prospects of doctors. Unless they’re from a rich family, they have crazy debt, crappy work life balance, unless they take a lower paying job, and the higher paying specialties don’t pay enough to justify the other bad stuff like stress, being on call, limited vacation time, navigating bureaucracy, etc.

PhDs go to school for longer, and don’t make half of that.

Not true at all. While the training years suck, we know several specialists in private practice making $500k+ working 40-45 hour weeks and only taking home call a weekend every other month.

500k after so many years of training and crazy debt is not great. It’s worth it if you have no debt though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard No. she could pay if off and he could divorce her next day.

This is not like i married wife and she had car loan and I paid it off. Or my old GF who had 5k in credit card debt if I married her.

This is draining life savings, to pay off loan a guy who could dump her next day and leave her divorced and penniless

It happens more than you might think...

[Anonymous]

It's really rough out there for young doctors. My Dad just retired from medicine this year and he said with business takeovers of clinics and hospital and heavy student debt the new doctors he mentors can really struggle.

The reality is it depends a lot on how their view the marriage. If they're truly a team and the interest rate on that student debt is high, then paying down that debt aggressively is a good choice. As noted above if she is really worried about him bailing when his debt is gone, they can consider a post nup that addresses contingencies. Given the amount of money at stake, she could consider speaking to an attorney.

[Anonymous]

When you're married, you're a team. She should see it as their debt and help get that balance to zero.