College kid complains so much

[Anonymous]

You raised a dumper who can’t think on her own.
Establish some boundaries. Afterall you must have things to fill your day

[Anonymous]

My college son only calls when something is wrong, and yes I dread the calls sometimes, but I am relieved he feels like he can call me and doesn’t feel alone. I went to see him this week and had lunch with him, and he was so happy and positive. The contrast was stark.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think all these phone calls are helping. I want to be there for you, but I need to be working between the hours of 9 to 5. How about if we do a check in on my drive home today and discuss re-starting therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to answer the phone every time she calls. When my dd with anxiety texts and I know it’s a situation she can handle I DONT ANSWER. I wait. She handles it. And later we check in. She’s grown so much and I know it’s because we have given her space to handle big problems on her own.

Tell your dd your work schedule has changed and you can’t talk during the day. Schedule time at night for her to unload and you put your AirPods in and fold laundry or do the dishes or walk the dog or whatever productive thing you can do while she’s talking. Just listen. Make sympathetic noises. Don’t give advice unless she asks. Remind her that you love her and she can handle difficult situations.

+1. Don't answer right away. You may have to train yourself not to pick up the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to answer the phone every time she calls. When my dd with anxiety texts and I know it’s a situation she can handle I DONT ANSWER. I wait. She handles it. And later we check in. She’s grown so much and I know it’s because we have given her space to handle big problems on her own.

Tell your dd your work schedule has changed and you can’t talk during the day. Schedule time at night for her to unload and you put your AirPods in and fold laundry or do the dishes or walk the dog or whatever productive thing you can do while she’s talking. Just listen. Make sympathetic noises. Don’t give advice unless she asks. Remind her that you love her and she can handle difficult situations.

+1. Don't answer right away. You may have to train yourself not to pick up the phone.

This. Kids need to learn self reliance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You raised a dumper who can’t think on her own.
Establish some boundaries. Afterall you must have things to fill your day

The kid picked this behavior up somewhere...

[Anonymous]

I don’t know how I became a complainer but somehow it really became my identity. Anxious about everything and laser focused on the slightest thing that seemed unfair. I couldn’t stop venting about everything in life.

In my 20’s, I called a good friend to talk. I said I missed her and she said, “I deliberately haven’t called you. I’m going through a tough time and I’m trying to snap out of it. When I talk to you, you can be so negative and I don’t have the energy to listen.”

Yikes! That totally changed me!
She was right. Life as an adult also made me realize everyone has problems and people aren’t invested in other people’s issues.

OP your daughter’s negativity is surrounding her. People in her dorm and classes know she’s going to bring them down so they avoid her.

This can be a phase if she chooses to change. But she is going to have to realize nobody is responsible for her happiness except for her. I tell my son who is a college first year to call me to vent and not bother his friends. They don’t want to hear it. It’s my job to be a sounding board. But it can’t be about everything. It’s not excessive so I don’t mind but I definitely reinforce that when there are no major problems in his life, he can choose happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had to tell my dc that I know they can handle it. The more I believe in them the more they believe in themselves. Even if I have to fake it some.

Yes, I think this is what helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how I became a complainer but somehow it really became my identity. Anxious about everything and laser focused on the slightest thing that seemed unfair. I couldn’t stop venting about everything in life.

In my 20’s, I called a good friend to talk. I said I missed her and she said, “I deliberately haven’t called you. I’m going through a tough time and I’m trying to snap out of it. When I talk to you, you can be so negative and I don’t have the energy to listen.”

Yikes! That totally changed me!
She was right. Life as an adult also made me realize everyone has problems and people aren’t invested in other people’s issues.

OP your daughter’s negativity is surrounding her. People in her dorm and classes know she’s going to bring them down so they avoid her.

This can be a phase if she chooses to change. But she is going to have to realize nobody is responsible for her happiness except for her. I tell my son who is a college first year to call me to vent and not bother his friends. They don’t want to hear it. It’s my job to be a sounding board. But it can’t be about everything. It’s not excessive so I don’t mind but I definitely reinforce that when there are no major problems in his life, he can choose happiness.

I am not op but have the same issue. My dd definitely does not complain to other people. She saves it all for dh and me because we feel safe. She's way too self-conscious of how she is with other people to vent to them about anything beyond the usual "this professor is too this or does too much that" commiserating type stuff in which everyone chimes in. As far as realizing she is responsible for her own happiness, I don't think she gets that at all even though we systematically do not tell her what to do and tell her x, y and z are her decision. I honestly am not sure how to handle all of this. I can't refuse to talk to her but I do wait until later and call her back now. She constantly asks what we think about the stupidest things: Should she go to this coffee shop to get a pastry, should she study more or did she study enough. It feels like she is trying to outsource any type of thinking to us and I mind her even asking those questions and telling her like a broken record that she knows what to do and it's her decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. She feels better complaining to us than others.
But she isn't willing to do things she complains about and I have a hard time listening over and over to easily fixible problems. (e.g., "I only have 2 friends" but she is unwilling to leave her room).
We have offered all the resources, SSRIs, therapy, etc. and while she has taken us up on them, it's only helped so much.
It's draining.
I am sure this makes me a bad mother in many peoples' eyes, but I can't do it every day. Constant calls in the middle of the workday and refusal to get off the phone.
Again, I know she's suffering, so I feel like $hit but I also can't just sit there listening to everything she can't do or doesn't like but won't take action on over and over. I want to validate her, and I know she needs us, but I need some boundaries and yet feel guilty erecting them.

Bland empathy is your friend.
I'm sorry you feel you don't have friends. I'm going to the library, would you like to come? No? See you later.

There, you've just been empathetic, offering a way to get her out of her room, and then left it to her to fix. You cannot fix her. It is her decision to stay in her room.

I'd strongly encourage you to up her rent so she has a reason to get out to get a job (and meet people and problem solve along the way).

I will say making friend isn't easy. I will also ask - how did she learn that complaining and doing nothing is an OK strategy? Think about that, look at your own behavior, and adjust as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:CBT. Complaining begets more complaining. She’s training her brain to complain. She has to make a conscious decision to stop.

The drama brain seeks more drama!

[Anonymous]

Maybe it isn't the right school for her? Maybe she is a collaborative person surrounded by cutthroat competitors. A person with a big heart surrounded by heartless, superficial people. It's these intangibles that let us know whether we're in the right place, or not. The things that make us feel like quitting. Maybe you simply need to ask her if she feels like she's in the right school. Is it a good fit for you? Because it doesn't sound like it is so what can we do to make things better?

[Anonymous]

^^ tldr: maybe your student needs to transfer to a university that is a better fit for her.

[Anonymous]

"The things that make us feel like quitting."

Or hiding.