33 year old son living at home, but doesn’t help out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he expect you to cook or does he eat the food you make? If not, why would you expect him to help with that. Supposedly if he moves out tomorrow, you'll be doing the exact same thing.

Is he doing his own laundry? Keeping his space clean? If so, what's the big deal?

If you want him to pay rent as an incentive for him to move out, then say so. Otherwise, I really don't see how it's a requirement to help his relatively young parents with things they'd have to do if he weren't there in the first place.

He expects us to make him meals, do his laundry.

Insane. Cooking a larger portion when he’s home for a meal is one thing but laundry is something a middle schooler can do. If he doesn’t have clothes for work, would he blame you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make him pay rent and then use the money to hire helper.

+1 and don't cook enough food for him. If he was living on his own, he'd have to cook or eat out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he expect you to cook or does he eat the food you make? If not, why would you expect him to help with that. Supposedly if he moves out tomorrow, you'll be doing the exact same thing.

Is he doing his own laundry? Keeping his space clean? If so, what's the big deal?

If you want him to pay rent as an incentive for him to move out, then say so. Otherwise, I really don't see how it's a requirement to help his relatively young parents with things they'd have to do if he weren't there in the first place.

He expects us to make him meals, do his laundry.

? so grow a backbone and say no?

Even my 20 year old DS does his own laundry when he comes home from college.

This is a parenting fail IMO. You need to set clear boundaries when they come back home.

[Anonymous]

ask him what his plans are for getting his own place.

lay out the new rules, depending on the answer.

[Anonymous]

You're saying "we" and "us," but what proportion of the work are you doing, and how much is falling to your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he expect you to cook or does he eat the food you make? If not, why would you expect him to help with that. Supposedly if he moves out tomorrow, you'll be doing the exact same thing.

Is he doing his own laundry? Keeping his space clean? If so, what's the big deal?

If you want him to pay rent as an incentive for him to move out, then say so. Otherwise, I really don't see how it's a requirement to help his relatively young parents with things they'd have to do if he weren't there in the first place.

He expects us to make him meals, do his laundry.

Stop doing it. He's an adult. You're giving him a place to live. It doesn't come with a maid and cook.

[Anonymous]

You tell him clearly that you are neither his maid nor his cook. Give him a list of typical chores that need to be done around the house and ask him to choose which ones he will do.

I am flabbergasted that you are letting this happen. We have a 25 yo who lives in our basement apartment. He pays us rent, which we keep in a dedicated account and will return to him when he moves out. But I have been very clear on ground rules for our primary living space since I have no desire to live in a 20 something group house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 33 w a job and an active social life .. He really needs to move out and find his own place to live.

Give him no longer than 365 days to do so.

Depends.
Is he saving for a house?

Yes, he’s saving. He doesn’t do anything around the house, my DIL went into labor a few months ago and we left the house, and came back to it trashed. I don’t know why. He kept his home neat.

You should have talked to him right away.

He sounds like he is regressing.

Share your disappointment, and ask what division of labor sounds fair to him. Also, what is his plan for moving at (ie, when will that happen, in his mind)

[Anonymous]

400 bucks a month in rent. Move out in 6 months

[Anonymous]

What was this about him trashing your house while your daughter-in-law was in labor? That to me is the worst part of this scenario.

[Anonymous]

My 33 year old bought a house 2 YEARS ago. You are not doing this kid any favors. Move out deadline now.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t need to help out, he needs to move out.

[Anonymous]

Where is your husband and this adult man’s father?
Is he ok w this set up ?

[Anonymous]

Why isn' he paying rent? He needs to pay rent March 1. He also needs a chore list since he's a child still living at home. If he doesn't like it he can move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my son moved back in, I set up specific guidelines. Here’s our requirements:

Clean up after yourself always
Public portions of the house must always be put back the way you found them when you’re done using them
If you eat dinner with us, you’re on clean up duty
You are required to maintain the yard (not my gardens, but everything else) - that means mowing, snow removal, mulching and whatever else needs to be done
You are required to care for the dogs if we are away or are going to get home late and he’s there
On request you need to pick up groceries, go to the pharmacy and drive younger sibling
Other things in request
And we don’t do your laundry

Thing about all of this is that it’s specific as To time, place and requirement and not open to judgment - unlike “helping with dinner”which is vague.

+1 this is a good answer. He is gonna be really screwed when he moves out if he lets his self-sufficiency skills wane/atrophy over time, both in terms of his own independence and in terms of his ability to be a good partner to someone else later.

I say this with genuine compassion and understanding because I lived with my parents for a little while after college and they let me get away with a lot, and my learning curve once I moved out was STEEP, hah! Quite a shock when I lost those safety nets and had to do everything myself. I did figure things out, eventually. But it's quite a different thing to manage adult life (balancing work, fun, relationships etc.) when you are also dealing with the realistic necessities of what it takes to maintain day-to-day functionality (chores, feeding and cleaning, etc.).