When dc breaks up with long term boyfriend/girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you upset? We loved her and she had been a huge part of our lives for years, we knew her family, had been on vacation with her, she was at every holiday...In many ways it was like having another child. The decision was ds's and I am so sad for her, and it feels really weird knowing we probably won't talk to her or see her again.

This is WHY you do not treat a GF or BF like "family". They are not, they are your DC's significant other. Until they are married, I keep a distance because your emotions and connections to the person should NOT matter or have any bearing on decisions that your child makes about their OWN relationships. Ridiculous. My DS broke up with his HS GF of THREE years and I didn't care... that is up to him. Yes, she was invited on vacation to the beach and yes she was at holidays, that does not mean she's part of the family nor that I should care whether my son is still with her. I have never felt this weird attraction that some of you do with your kids' SO. Weird.

Caring about someone and treating them well and being inclusive of them does not mean influencing your child's decision in any way. Those are entirely separate things. Fwiw I started dating dh young and his parents were cold to me then and I never forgot it. You sound a lot like my mil. You cannot flip a switch and change a relationship once marriage is in play and suddenly expect closeness. You establish it over time and that starts with kindness from Day 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you upset? We loved her and she had been a huge part of our lives for years, we knew her family, had been on vacation with her, she was at every holiday...In many ways it was like having another child. The decision was ds's and I am so sad for her, and it feels really weird knowing we probably won't talk to her or see her again.

This is WHY you do not treat a GF or BF like "family". They are not, they are your DC's significant other. Until they are married, I keep a distance because your emotions and connections to the person should NOT matter or have any bearing on decisions that your child makes about their OWN relationships. Ridiculous. My DS broke up with his HS GF of THREE years and I didn't care... that is up to him. Yes, she was invited on vacation to the beach and yes she was at holidays, that does not mean she's part of the family nor that I should care whether my son is still with her. I have never felt this weird attraction that some of you do with your kids' SO. Weird.

May be you aren't a loving person or may be you just didn't like those people. That doesn't mean other parents should be cold hearted.

[Anonymous]

I know a mom who cried when her dd broke up with her boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you upset? We loved her and she had been a huge part of our lives for years, we knew her family, had been on vacation with her, she was at every holiday...In many ways it was like having another child. The decision was ds's and I am so sad for her, and it feels really weird knowing we probably won't talk to her or see her again.

This is WHY you do not treat a GF or BF like "family". They are not, they are your DC's significant other. Until they are married, I keep a distance because your emotions and connections to the person should NOT matter or have any bearing on decisions that your child makes about their OWN relationships. Ridiculous. My DS broke up with his HS GF of THREE years and I didn't care... that is up to him. Yes, she was invited on vacation to the beach and yes she was at holidays, that does not mean she's part of the family nor that I should care whether my son is still with her. I have never felt this weird attraction that some of you do with your kids' SO. Weird.

And this is why somehow I got roasted on this site for knowing nothing about my son’s gf or her background

She gave birth to my grandchild and I didn’t even know her proper last name, her address, or why and how she named the baby

I asked her how her dad passed because she named the baby for him … and she said, “I told you that one time but I guess you didn’t remember”

Absolutely, I did not … because I was always like OK wow that’s such a history that must have been so hard for you … without internalizing anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you upset? We loved her and she had been a huge part of our lives for years, we knew her family, had been on vacation with her, she was at every holiday...In many ways it was like having another child. The decision was ds's and I am so sad for her, and it feels really weird knowing we probably won't talk to her or see her again.

This is WHY you do not treat a GF or BF like "family". They are not, they are your DC's significant other. Until they are married, I keep a distance because your emotions and connections to the person should NOT matter or have any bearing on decisions that your child makes about their OWN relationships. Ridiculous. My DS broke up with his HS GF of THREE years and I didn't care... that is up to him. Yes, she was invited on vacation to the beach and yes she was at holidays, that does not mean she's part of the family nor that I should care whether my son is still with her. I have never felt this weird attraction that some of you do with your kids' SO. Weird.

And this is why somehow I got roasted on this site for knowing nothing about my son’s gf or her background

She gave birth to my grandchild and I didn’t even know her proper last name, her address, or why and how she named the baby

I asked her how her dad passed because she named the baby for him … and she said, “I told you that one time but I guess you didn’t remember”

Absolutely, I did not … because I was always like OK wow that’s such a history that must have been so hard for you … without internalizing anything

Being intrusive in someone's life and showing interested in someone's life are two completely different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you upset? We loved her and she had been a huge part of our lives for years, we knew her family, had been on vacation with her, she was at every holiday...In many ways it was like having another child. The decision was ds's and I am so sad for her, and it feels really weird knowing we probably won't talk to her or see her again.

This is WHY you do not treat a GF or BF like "family". They are not, they are your DC's significant other. Until they are married, I keep a distance because your emotions and connections to the person should NOT matter or have any bearing on decisions that your child makes about their OWN relationships. Ridiculous. My DS broke up with his HS GF of THREE years and I didn't care... that is up to him. Yes, she was invited on vacation to the beach and yes she was at holidays, that does not mean she's part of the family nor that I should care whether my son is still with her. I have never felt this weird attraction that some of you do with your kids' SO. Weird.

And this is why somehow I got roasted on this site for knowing nothing about my son’s gf or her background

She gave birth to my grandchild and I didn’t even know her proper last name, her address, or why and how she named the baby

I asked her how her dad passed because she named the baby for him … and she said, “I told you that one time but I guess you didn’t remember”

Absolutely, I did not … because I was always like OK wow that’s such a history that must have been so hard for you … without internalizing anything

Is this all supposed to be a good thing!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you upset? We loved her and she had been a huge part of our lives for years, we knew her family, had been on vacation with her, she was at every holiday...In many ways it was like having another child. The decision was ds's and I am so sad for her, and it feels really weird knowing we probably won't talk to her or see her again.

This is WHY you do not treat a GF or BF like "family". They are not, they are your DC's significant other. Until they are married, I keep a distance because your emotions and connections to the person should NOT matter or have any bearing on decisions that your child makes about their OWN relationships. Ridiculous. My DS broke up with his HS GF of THREE years and I didn't care... that is up to him. Yes, she was invited on vacation to the beach and yes she was at holidays, that does not mean she's part of the family nor that I should care whether my son is still with her. I have never felt this weird attraction that some of you do with your kids' SO. Weird.

May be you aren't a loving person or may be you just didn't like those people. That doesn't mean other parents should be cold hearted.

I never said I was cold or unkind. Lol I simply said I didn’t get attached. It’s my sons business not mine. One of my friends is weirdly obsessed with her dd’s boyfriends, like has to get to know the family, has the parents numbers programmed into her contacts, etc. She was more upset than her dd when the kid dumped her after getting another girl pregnant. Embarrassing. It’s your kids life not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a mom who cried when her dd broke up with her boyfriend.

Why wouldn't be a mom sad if her DD is heartbroken about losing someone she loved and family bonded with?

[Anonymous]

Not really. It's their life. They have to do what's right for them. Some people are just in your life for a season and that's okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you upset? We loved her and she had been a huge part of our lives for years, we knew her family, had been on vacation with her, she was at every holiday...In many ways it was like having another child. The decision was ds's and I am so sad for her, and it feels really weird knowing we probably won't talk to her or see her again.

This is WHY you do not treat a GF or BF like "family". They are not, they are your DC's significant other. Until they are married, I keep a distance because your emotions and connections to the person should NOT matter or have any bearing on decisions that your child makes about their OWN relationships. Ridiculous. My DS broke up with his HS GF of THREE years and I didn't care... that is up to him. Yes, she was invited on vacation to the beach and yes she was at holidays, that does not mean she's part of the family nor that I should care whether my son is still with her. I have never felt this weird attraction that some of you do with your kids' SO. Weird.

And this is why somehow I got roasted on this site for knowing nothing about my son’s gf or her background

She gave birth to my grandchild and I didn’t even know her proper last name, her address, or why and how she named the baby

I asked her how her dad passed because she named the baby for him … and she said, “I told you that one time but I guess you didn’t remember”

Absolutely, I did not … because I was always like OK wow that’s such a history that must have been so hard for you … without internalizing anything

Kevin's grandma is in the house!

[Anonymous]

OP isn't asking them to do anything, she is only expressing her feelings of sadness to an anonymous group on internet.

[Anonymous]

I am 49 and I still kinda miss some of my older siblings SOs from when they were in high school and college! I wish they had married them, honestly. I like them better than the ones they married. Plus it's just different, someone growing up with your family versus meeting you at 30.

[Anonymous]

Keep these relationships in perspective. Neither is a bad person, they simply were not right for each other at this time. I, too, have been in this situation, but my approach is different. I applaud (internally, of course) my DS for knowing this wasn’t a forever match. We taught our children to trust their instincts.

[Anonymous]

We don’t eve take the time to learn their names. When she’s home for family events, DD likes to bring up DS’s exes at dinner and quiz us on the crazy things that happened in the relationship or led to the breakup. We always fail, and DD is incredulous that we don’t remember.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in similar shoes, OP. My sister’s husband left her after 20 plus years of marriage m, and basically ghosted her (and by extension our entire family) to go on to make a new family. My now former BIL was in my life since I was 16. Almost 10 years later, I still think about him and miss him (although I hate how he treated my sister and niece/nephews- basically I think of him as two different people, the one I once knew who was part of our family, and now he is a different person who I wouldn’t want to know - I obviously only miss the first version of him).