Hiding alcohol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all. I talked to him today and he basically blamed me bc we didn’t go out to dinner last night (what?)- the kids had sports, last night and early this am. Then he said he had a bad day at work and didn’t want to talk about the drinking bc “he didn’t want to be told off” which I was not doing, I was trying to have a normal conversation. Ugh.

This is typical alcoholic gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Yes, he is absolutely an alcoholic. An alcoholic is someone who can’t control their alcohol use. If he can’t avoid getting this drunk when he drinks, making awful decisions like driving drunk and feels he has to hide his drinking, drinks alone in the daytime while working, there is no doubt he’s an alcoholic. Any one of these things would be hugely problematic alone.

And I’d be willing to bet he drinks way more often than you think he does- he’s just good at hiding it.

[Anonymous]

I agree with those who say he’s likely drinking a lot more often than you think/he says he is.

Also, there’s no excuse to drive drunk. Only a matter of time before he takes the life of an innocent person.

[Anonymous]

OP, in addition to protecting yourself by getting to meetings or on the right forums, can you protect him and (from) the kids (and MOST DEF from driving)?

Does he have a man cave (or office if he works from home). Make a rule that he can't leave. Don't shame him or anything, just say "I've got the keys, kids are at activities, don't come out of here"

[Anonymous]

From experience, he is drinking a lot more than you think. Probably every day. Check his credit card statements if you have not already.

You cannot control him and his drinking. All you can do is decide if you want to stay or leave and go to Al Anon and get support. You did not cause his drinking and you won't cause him to quit. He has to want to.

Unfortunately this country highly encourages drinking and it is everywhere. It is hard to say no.

There may come a breaking point where you realize you don't feel safe and you don't want to live this way anymore. However, you need to work through your feelings and decide if that's what you want.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn't ask him not to drink. It won't work anyway; he's an alcoholic. I would ask him only for honestly so that when he's drinking, he won't drive/kill anyone or himself. That if he is drinking, he needs to tell you. That way you can continue to parent him. He needs to understand that if he 'hates the parenting dynamic', he is the one doing it to himself. But then again, you are dealing with an addict, and they tend to be liars and manipulators because that is what the disease does to them. So you may not get honesty. Which puts you back at square one. Do you want to be with a manipulative, lying, childish alcoholic? If not, plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all. I talked to him today and he basically blamed me bc we didn’t go out to dinner last night (what?)- the kids had sports, last night and early this am. Then he said he had a bad day at work and didn’t want to talk about the drinking bc “he didn’t want to be told off” which I was not doing, I was trying to have a normal conversation. Ugh.

I’m sorry, OP. You need to shift your mindset and realize this isn’t something you can fix in your own and he’s not a willing partner to help fix it. As others have said, go to Al Anon. So many people have been down this path, you don’t need to figure it out on your own. Wishing you well.