Dealing with sibling invite scenario

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stuff like this is why no one has friends anymore. Who needs to go through this? Why can’t people be inclusive.

I know right? People should start teaching their kids inclusivity. If there’s a small event coming up don’t invite the older one. Show your older child that sometimes there’s an event for just the younger ones. That might make him feel better to see it’s not personal.

There’s really no fixing the problem unless you’re honest with her and discuss how it confuses and hurts your son’s feelings.

They aren't going to care and once kids get ES this is normal. Do you do entire class parties still in ES (we did but we were rare)?

[Anonymous]

I almost guarantee that the parents are not the ones trying to leave older kid out. Their older child must not like OP’s older child for whatever reason. It does not sound like they are friends.

I always say this but not including is not the same as excluding.

Ds is friends with a boy and Dh likes the dad. We sometimes plan something fun and only invite my son’s friend and the dad. Has always been this way. There is a daughter and son who probably would also enjoy outing but they are not invited because our kids are not friends.

[Anonymous]

What ages, OP? This matters a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The petty in me would be tempted to host a really fun summer party and invite everyone except the older son and make sure to include the youngest.

Anyways, you should probably listen to someone else. Petty is probably not the best strategy.

Don't do this. I'm sure the older son has no control. Actually I would drop the parents

He’s the one who probably tells the mom not to invite him!

[Anonymous]

OP is not saying ages. Older kid must be like 10+. Totally inappropriate to expect older sibling to tag along with someone just because they are the same age.

[Anonymous]

I’ve dealt with something similar and whether we accept the invite depends on whatever is going on in our HH. If older DC has another party to go to, then we’ll accept. If not, then we usually decline. We have a busy schedule so it’s easy for my DCs to forget about invites and it’s nbd.

[Anonymous]

Exact scenario happened a few years ago at our house where older DD thought she and the older sister were just as good of friends as younger DD and the younger sister of the other family. So naturally I would invite both sisters from the other family to do things with us. Until one day the mom kindly but very bluntly stated to me that it really wasn’t necessary to keep inviting the older one just because our younger girls are friends. It was a shock when she said this—-but the message was intentional.
At this point, all four were still in elementary school, and this was my first and only clue that the older sibling wanted nothing to do with my older DD, but clearly her daughter had made it clear to her mom that she was not friends with my older daughter. Ouch.
It was difficult, but I gently steered older DD away from continuing to invite the older sister along and started encouraging her to reach out to other friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exact scenario happened a few years ago at our house where older DD thought she and the older sister were just as good of friends as younger DD and the younger sister of the other family. So naturally I would invite both sisters from the other family to do things with us. Until one day the mom kindly but very bluntly stated to me that it really wasn’t necessary to keep inviting the older one just because our younger girls are friends. It was a shock when she said this—-but the message was intentional.
At this point, all four were still in elementary school, and this was my first and only clue that the older sibling wanted nothing to do with my older DD, but clearly her daughter had made it clear to her mom that she was not friends with my older daughter. Ouch.
It was difficult, but I gently steered older DD away from continuing to invite the older sister along and started encouraging her to reach out to other friends.

Oh that’s particularly painful when your child thinks they are friends and doesn’t realize the feeling isn’t mutual. How awkward of the mom for pointing that out to you though? Strange that she wasn’t just gracious about it. Do you think she assumed that you were just being nice or did she not realize your older daughter did think she was friends with her daughter?

[Anonymous]

I must be missing something, as we have 2 kids and rarely are they invited to the same anything. Older one has a group of friends, younger one has a group of friends, and each group does their own thing. Why does your oldest need to be invited to things for your youngest? That's odd to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exact scenario happened a few years ago at our house where older DD thought she and the older sister were just as good of friends as younger DD and the younger sister of the other family. So naturally I would invite both sisters from the other family to do things with us. Until one day the mom kindly but very bluntly stated to me that it really wasn’t necessary to keep inviting the older one just because our younger girls are friends. It was a shock when she said this—-but the message was intentional.
At this point, all four were still in elementary school, and this was my first and only clue that the older sibling wanted nothing to do with my older DD, but clearly her daughter had made it clear to her mom that she was not friends with my older daughter. Ouch.
It was difficult, but I gently steered older DD away from continuing to invite the older sister along and started encouraging her to reach out to other friends.

Oh that’s particularly painful when your child thinks they are friends and doesn’t realize the feeling isn’t mutual. How awkward of the mom for pointing that out to you though? Strange that she wasn’t just gracious about it. Do you think she assumed that you were just being nice or did she not realize your older daughter did think she was friends with her daughter?

I have a kid in 7th grade. When kids are younger, they are happy to play with anyone. Once they are around 10, they get pickier. My current 13yo used to be the friendliest boy who played with everyone. Everyone wanted to be his friend. By fifth grade, he was very specific on who he wanted to hang out with. Now he is in 7th grade and he doesn’t even hang out with some friends he used to be friends with all through elementary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I must be missing something, as we have 2 kids and rarely are they invited to the same anything. Older one has a group of friends, younger one has a group of friends, and each group does their own thing. Why does your oldest need to be invited to things for your youngest? That's odd to me

I wrote same thing previously. My boys are two years apart and I would never think to invite a sibling of their friend.

My younger son is friends with a neighbor who is 1 year older so the neighbor is between the two boys. My older son rarely hangs out with them, even at our own house. When boys were younger, little brother would play with older brother’s friends if they were at our house. I never sent younger sibling and certainly never sent an older sibling to a play date or party.

[Anonymous]

Oh that’s particularly painful when your child thinks they are friends and doesn’t realize the feeling isn’t mutual. How awkward of the mom for pointing that out to you though? Strange that she wasn’t just gracious about it. Do you think she assumed that you were just being nice or did she not realize your older daughter did think she was friends with her daughter?

I think the way that mom handled it was brilliant-the nicest possible way to say my old kid doesn’t like your kid.

[Anonymous]

I have two boys and we have never invited the siblings of a playdate (or when older, movies/sports/activity hangout) even if they are the same age as my other kid. It would never occur to me to do that if both sets of kids are not friends independently of the sibling relationship.

In the OP's scenario, if there's a large group going to a game or some other outing, I can absolutely see the rationale for inviting a kid's parent rather than another kid - it's another set of responsible hands rather than another minor to manage. It's generosity/hospitality to invite the dad, but also shares the burden of supervision. Smart move and not the least bit rude, especially if the adults are friendly.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this is rude. They are inviting dads and their sons (who are actually friends with their kids) to an event. They don’t have to invite your older kid (who isn’t close friends with their older kid). This seems like no big deal to me. I get that your oldest might be bummed, but this is life. Not everyone gets invited to every thing. Friendships ebb and flow over the years. Kids figure this out. Parents need to not get caught up in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh that’s particularly painful when your child thinks they are friends and doesn’t realize the feeling isn’t mutual. How awkward of the mom for pointing that out to you though? Strange that she wasn’t just gracious about it. Do you think she assumed that you were just being nice or did she not realize your older daughter did think she was friends with her daughter?

I think the way that mom handled it was brilliant-the nicest possible way to say my old kid doesn’t like your kid.

I don’t see anything wrong with the wording. She could have said only Sally will be coming and older sister just not come.

Maybe it is because I have 3 kids but over the years, parents will say no need to invite sibling or I will decline bringing a sibling.