Divorced dads with kids under 18 shouldn't date women without kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced dad with a kid under 18. My gf is 30 years younger than me, and we haven't had any problems yet (after close to 2 years in the relationship).

Is she Asian or Latino and you are white ? She just can’t find anyone her age who offers stability and she imitates O with you, don’t full yourself

Ah the “she’s faking with you” poster strikes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The title says it all. Women need to stop trying to make this work, especially if they're under 40 and want kids.

Any woman without kids can NEVER understand a dad's relationship with their kid.

These divorced dad with kids get star struck by a younger woman who shows interest in them. But they need to steer clear of these situations though because they're almost always doomed and will cause you tremendous tension as you try to be a good dad while being a good partner to the child-free woman. Even if you get married and have kids with her, the rest of your life is going to be a struggle as you figure out how to balance your first and second families.

This is true from the one situation that I have observed closely. The husband is hated by his ex-wife, his first kids, and now his new wife. By trying to please everyone, he pleased no one. Even if you have a lot of resources, time is finite. Two examples came up. First, he left his new wife home with a toddler and a new baby several weekends to do a bunch of college visits with older kids. Second, he objected to his new wife funding their shared children's 529 plans because he wanted all the extra money to cover the current costs of older kids' college (tuition, coast-to-coast flights several times a year, spring break, summer trips, etc.). Within years, it was clear the new wife hated him, maybe even more than his ex. Easy to say the new wife should've known better. I think she realizes her mistake after the fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced dad with a kid under 18. My gf is 30 years younger than me, and we haven't had any problems yet (after close to 2 years in the relationship).

Is she Asian or Latino and you are white ? She just can’t find anyone her age who offers stability and she imitates O with you, don’t full yourself

Ah the “she’s faking with you” poster strikes!

Of course she does! Read more sex research literature on that. I'm friends with some of these much younger wives, they absolutely fake it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced dad with a kid under 18. My gf is 30 years younger than me, and we haven't had any problems yet (after close to 2 years in the relationship).

Is she Asian or Latino and you are white ? She just can’t find anyone her age who offers stability and she imitates O with you, don’t full yourself

Ah the “she’s faking with you” poster strikes!

Of course she does! Read more sex research literature on that. I'm friends with some of these much younger wives, they absolutely fake it.

Obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just an anecdote but I saw this go down with a family friend. He divorced his “horrible” wife then took up with a much younger woman who did not want kids. He thought his kid would adore her, too. Well, his kid, now an adult, doesn’t talk to him. it came down to his kid or the younger hot wife and he chose the younger hot wife. His own family of origin doesn’t like what happened and now he’s estranged from them, too. So he lost quite a lot for the young hot wife who did not want kids.

I think when anyone dates a divorced parent they need to really do some soul searching and consider what they’re walking into. And the parent, if they care about the other relationships in their life, needs to accept nit everyone will love their new spouse as much as they do.

I think many adult men are very naive about relationships. Both romantic relationships and parent-child relationships. I think one reason you often see adult men making choices that damage their relationships (with their own kids, with their ex/co-parent, with girlfriends, etc.) is because they often just have not been socialized to think empathetically about how their choices are going to feel to the other party. Women tend to be much savvier about this.

I watched this with my brother and his divorce. His ex (my former SIL) just better understood how the divorce, and any subsequent relationships by either party, was going to impact their kids and their co-parenting situation. She was a lot more cautious about dating, really good about communication, intuitively understood how to navigate certain boundaries. My brother, while being well-intentioned, did not. He kept doing boneheaded things that any woman would have been able to tell him were not smart, creating drama, and then having to resolve it. Like he would introduce his young kids to pretty much any woman he dated immediately. He got into a relationship with a woman who also had a kid and then when she suggested the kids start referring to each other as "brother and sisters," he was like "okay sounds good" even though this relationship was months old, the divorce was only a year old, and he hadn't discussed any of this with his ex. When his ex found out through the kids (never a good way to share this kind of info), she was actually very mature about it and set up a time to talk to him and ask for some ground rules regarding introducing kids to SigOs and other boundaries (she was also dating but much more cautiously and only when my brother had the kids). My brother immediately was like "oh yeah, that makes sense, sorry" but then when he relayed this to his girlfriend, SHE flipped out about feeling like she was being told what to do by his ex. In the midst of all of this, the kids were all very confused and jerked around.

It was exhausting to watch and be supportive of him through this because so much of it was totally avoidable by just *thinking* before acting. Like take your new relationship a little slower. Talk to your co-parent about anything major that will impact the kids (including pretending your GF's child is their new sibling). Learn to explain things to various parties without blaming any issues on someone who isn't there (blaming his GF when talking to his ex, then blaming the ex when talking to his GF). Make decisions about the kids before telling the kids about the decision. Etc.

I sense a lot of men are like this and that's why there are often a lot more issues with divorced dads dating than divorced moms dating. I just think the moms tend to be thinking ahead a bit more and using social skills to ease these awkward situations, and the dads... not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure I 100% agree with everything in the OP, but I will admit that I really was not aware of how incredibly challenging these relationships were until I watched my brother dating post-divorce (two tweens at the time) and also watched another divorced friend with two kids under 10 marry, and then divorce, within an unbelievably volatile 5 year period.

Obviously just anecdotal, but I really had no appreciated who complicated this can be. In my brother's case, he wound up with a woman who actually has a kid, but her kid is much younger than his, and her divorce was also very messy while his was extremely civil, and the situation has just involved a ton of stress and disruption. I'm an outsider and just trying to be supportive, and I think everyone involved is well meaning and doing their best, but I also have thought on many occasions that it would really be best if they didn't do this, and I still worry about the impact of some of this mess on my nephews and even on her young child.

With my friend it was even worse, things fell apart with his second wife and as they did, she started taking her anger and frustration regarding the marriage out on his kids. It was horrifying. Everyone was extremely upset for a long time. Eventually the divorce finalized and everyone was able to move on, but it is very sad to me that his kids went through that (being called names, constantly yelled at an criticized by their stepmother, for instance) after ALSO going through their parents' divorce.

I don't think I was in danger of divorce before witnessing these situations, but wow did they make me more invested than ever in working on my marriage to keep it healthy and doing whatever I can to create a stable, safe family life for our kids. I don't think any of the people involved in these situations intended to harm the kids involved, or is a fundamentally bad person (not even my friend's no ex, though I do NOT think she should have married my friend). But divorce with minor kids is really hard and people really need to think hard before they dive into relationships with new people.

So I think OP has a point. I'm sure it can work, but if it goes wrong, the potential harm is really big. People should definitely think about that.

Sobering stories. I’m close to divorcing and I am under NO illusions that I am in any way fit to remarry- I’m just not good at relationships at all! I can’t fathom remarrying while my DC lives at home (he’s 12). No thanks. I already f’ed up one homelife for my kid, not going to repeat that.

My STBX however will almost surely remarry, possibly quickly. He’s in his mid-50s so I’m hoping that no woman under 40 will be interested, so their won’t be a second family. I also don’t think he’d tolerate a woman who was mean to our (admittedly challenging) kid, but who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met my second wife when I was 42 and she was 34. We married 3 years later and we have a child together. I have 2 kids from my previous marriage. The fact that I had kids when we started dating didn't bother her. In fact she would always ask if I had something going on with the kids before asking to spend time together. She prioritized them before me. I couldn't let her go she was a catch.

While you’re happy (for now) with your decision to remarry I wonder if your kids feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just an anecdote but I saw this go down with a family friend. He divorced his “horrible” wife then took up with a much younger woman who did not want kids. He thought his kid would adore her, too. Well, his kid, now an adult, doesn’t talk to him. it came down to his kid or the younger hot wife and he chose the younger hot wife. His own family of origin doesn’t like what happened and now he’s estranged from them, too. So he lost quite a lot for the young hot wife who did not want kids.

I think when anyone dates a divorced parent they need to really do some soul searching and consider what they’re walking into. And the parent, if they care about the other relationships in their life, needs to accept nit everyone will love their new spouse as much as they do.

I think many adult men are very naive about relationships. Both romantic relationships and parent-child relationships. I think one reason you often see adult men making choices that damage their relationships (with their own kids, with their ex/co-parent, with girlfriends, etc.) is because they often just have not been socialized to think empathetically about how their choices are going to feel to the other party. Women tend to be much savvier about this.

I watched this with my brother and his divorce. His ex (my former SIL) just better understood how the divorce, and any subsequent relationships by either party, was going to impact their kids and their co-parenting situation. She was a lot more cautious about dating, really good about communication, intuitively understood how to navigate certain boundaries. My brother, while being well-intentioned, did not. He kept doing boneheaded things that any woman would have been able to tell him were not smart, creating drama, and then having to resolve it. Like he would introduce his young kids to pretty much any woman he dated immediately. He got into a relationship with a woman who also had a kid and then when she suggested the kids start referring to each other as "brother and sisters," he was like "okay sounds good" even though this relationship was months old, the divorce was only a year old, and he hadn't discussed any of this with his ex. When his ex found out through the kids (never a good way to share this kind of info), she was actually very mature about it and set up a time to talk to him and ask for some ground rules regarding introducing kids to SigOs and other boundaries (she was also dating but much more cautiously and only when my brother had the kids). My brother immediately was like "oh yeah, that makes sense, sorry" but then when he relayed this to his girlfriend, SHE flipped out about feeling like she was being told what to do by his ex. In the midst of all of this, the kids were all very confused and jerked around.

It was exhausting to watch and be supportive of him through this because so much of it was totally avoidable by just *thinking* before acting. Like take your new relationship a little slower. Talk to your co-parent about anything major that will impact the kids (including pretending your GF's child is their new sibling). Learn to explain things to various parties without blaming any issues on someone who isn't there (blaming his GF when talking to his ex, then blaming the ex when talking to his GF). Make decisions about the kids before telling the kids about the decision. Etc.

I sense a lot of men are like this and that's why there are often a lot more issues with divorced dads dating than divorced moms dating. I just think the moms tend to be thinking ahead a bit more and using social skills to ease these awkward situations, and the dads... not so much.

Moms generally don't want to have more kids, so they're more invested in their existing family structure with their ex. Men are more open to starting over. Their biological clock is longer and they generally do less of the parenting work anyway. Typically women are not tolerant of playing a secondary role to a first family. Most women would never marry a man with kids in the first place. The ones who do are naive and have unreasonable expectations. They either earn through experience and become miserable and leave, or their husbands decide they do not want to live with a miserable wife/life, nor do they want to go through the shame, financial hit, and logistical challenges of a second divorce, so they end up prioritizing their second wife/family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just an anecdote but I saw this go down with a family friend. He divorced his “horrible” wife then took up with a much younger woman who did not want kids. He thought his kid would adore her, too. Well, his kid, now an adult, doesn’t talk to him. it came down to his kid or the younger hot wife and he chose the younger hot wife. His own family of origin doesn’t like what happened and now he’s estranged from them, too. So he lost quite a lot for the young hot wife who did not want kids.

I think when anyone dates a divorced parent they need to really do some soul searching and consider what they’re walking into. And the parent, if they care about the other relationships in their life, needs to accept nit everyone will love their new spouse as much as they do.

I think many adult men are very naive about relationships. Both romantic relationships and parent-child relationships. I think one reason you often see adult men making choices that damage their relationships (with their own kids, with their ex/co-parent, with girlfriends, etc.) is because they often just have not been socialized to think empathetically about how their choices are going to feel to the other party. Women tend to be much savvier about this.

I watched this with my brother and his divorce. His ex (my former SIL) just better understood how the divorce, and any subsequent relationships by either party, was going to impact their kids and their co-parenting situation. She was a lot more cautious about dating, really good about communication, intuitively understood how to navigate certain boundaries. My brother, while being well-intentioned, did not. He kept doing boneheaded things that any woman would have been able to tell him were not smart, creating drama, and then having to resolve it. Like he would introduce his young kids to pretty much any woman he dated immediately. He got into a relationship with a woman who also had a kid and then when she suggested the kids start referring to each other as "brother and sisters," he was like "okay sounds good" even though this relationship was months old, the divorce was only a year old, and he hadn't discussed any of this with his ex. When his ex found out through the kids (never a good way to share this kind of info), she was actually very mature about it and set up a time to talk to him and ask for some ground rules regarding introducing kids to SigOs and other boundaries (she was also dating but much more cautiously and only when my brother had the kids). My brother immediately was like "oh yeah, that makes sense, sorry" but then when he relayed this to his girlfriend, SHE flipped out about feeling like she was being told what to do by his ex. In the midst of all of this, the kids were all very confused and jerked around.

It was exhausting to watch and be supportive of him through this because so much of it was totally avoidable by just *thinking* before acting. Like take your new relationship a little slower. Talk to your co-parent about anything major that will impact the kids (including pretending your GF's child is their new sibling). Learn to explain things to various parties without blaming any issues on someone who isn't there (blaming his GF when talking to his ex, then blaming the ex when talking to his GF). Make decisions about the kids before telling the kids about the decision. Etc.

I sense a lot of men are like this and that's why there are often a lot more issues with divorced dads dating than divorced moms dating. I just think the moms tend to be thinking ahead a bit more and using social skills to ease these awkward situations, and the dads... not so much.

Moms generally don't want to have more kids, so they're more invested in their existing family structure with their ex. Men are more open to starting over. Their biological clock is longer and they generally do less of the parenting work anyway. Typically women are not tolerant of playing a secondary role to a first family. Most women would never marry a man with kids in the first place. The ones who do are naive and have unreasonable expectations. They either earn through experience and become miserable and leave, or their husbands decide they do not want to live with a miserable wife/life, nor do they want to go through the shame, financial hit, and logistical challenges of a second divorce, so they end up prioritizing their second wife/family.

In other words divorced moms tend to put their kids first while divorced men tend to put themselves first

[Anonymous]

Divorced moms with kids under 18 should not date men without kids.

Discuss.

[Anonymous]

It would be really nice to see this work out but from experience with families IRL and the unending flood of stories on any given related website, op is right. There is often a lot of heartache for the kids, especially when new babies enter the mix. Everyone thinks they will be a good step parent but few make the cut. Those few that do, deserve all the praise but probably would not even want it because they are that special and completely accept the kids as their own. Many start out with good intentions but it takes a lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced moms with kids under 18 should not date men without kids.

Discuss.

The man got into the relationship for the woman, not the kids. I know of one situation where this worked but the kid was already over age 12 and not expected to call the new man “dad.” And the man is a genuinely kind person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just an anecdote but I saw this go down with a family friend. He divorced his “horrible” wife then took up with a much younger woman who did not want kids. He thought his kid would adore her, too. Well, his kid, now an adult, doesn’t talk to him. it came down to his kid or the younger hot wife and he chose the younger hot wife. His own family of origin doesn’t like what happened and now he’s estranged from them, too. So he lost quite a lot for the young hot wife who did not want kids.

I think when anyone dates a divorced parent they need to really do some soul searching and consider what they’re walking into. And the parent, if they care about the other relationships in their life, needs to accept nit everyone will love their new spouse as much as they do.

I think many adult men are very naive about relationships. Both romantic relationships and parent-child relationships. I think one reason you often see adult men making choices that damage their relationships (with their own kids, with their ex/co-parent, with girlfriends, etc.) is because they often just have not been socialized to think empathetically about how their choices are going to feel to the other party. Women tend to be much savvier about this.

I watched this with my brother and his divorce. His ex (my former SIL) just better understood how the divorce, and any subsequent relationships by either party, was going to impact their kids and their co-parenting situation. She was a lot more cautious about dating, really good about communication, intuitively understood how to navigate certain boundaries. My brother, while being well-intentioned, did not. He kept doing boneheaded things that any woman would have been able to tell him were not smart, creating drama, and then having to resolve it. Like he would introduce his young kids to pretty much any woman he dated immediately. He got into a relationship with a woman who also had a kid and then when she suggested the kids start referring to each other as "brother and sisters," he was like "okay sounds good" even though this relationship was months old, the divorce was only a year old, and he hadn't discussed any of this with his ex. When his ex found out through the kids (never a good way to share this kind of info), she was actually very mature about it and set up a time to talk to him and ask for some ground rules regarding introducing kids to SigOs and other boundaries (she was also dating but much more cautiously and only when my brother had the kids). My brother immediately was like "oh yeah, that makes sense, sorry" but then when he relayed this to his girlfriend, SHE flipped out about feeling like she was being told what to do by his ex. In the midst of all of this, the kids were all very confused and jerked around.

It was exhausting to watch and be supportive of him through this because so much of it was totally avoidable by just *thinking* before acting. Like take your new relationship a little slower. Talk to your co-parent about anything major that will impact the kids (including pretending your GF's child is their new sibling). Learn to explain things to various parties without blaming any issues on someone who isn't there (blaming his GF when talking to his ex, then blaming the ex when talking to his GF). Make decisions about the kids before telling the kids about the decision. Etc.

I sense a lot of men are like this and that's why there are often a lot more issues with divorced dads dating than divorced moms dating. I just think the moms tend to be thinking ahead a bit more and using social skills to ease these awkward situations, and the dads... not so much.

Moms generally don't want to have more kids, so they're more invested in their existing family structure with their ex. Men are more open to starting over. Their biological clock is longer and they generally do less of the parenting work anyway. Typically women are not tolerant of playing a secondary role to a first family. Most women would never marry a man with kids in the first place. The ones who do are naive and have unreasonable expectations. They either earn through experience and become miserable and leave, or their husbands decide they do not want to live with a miserable wife/life, nor do they want to go through the shame, financial hit, and logistical challenges of a second divorce, so they end up prioritizing their second wife/family.

In other words divorced moms tend to put their kids first while divorced men tend to put themselves first

Moms tend to put their kids first, while dads tend to put themselves first. Not always, but more often than not, it will be magnified in a divorce.

[Anonymous]

I know a man who cheated on his wife (who was pregnant with their second child/later had a newborn) with a woman from his gym. He got the gym woman pregnant and then left his wife for her. His second child with his wife is less than a year older than his love child. The female AP from the gym (who go pregnant) was also married but her kids were late elementary
middle school aged.

They are still together and holding themselves out as a normal blended family in our neighborhood, but I can never respect what they did to their original spouses and children.

[Anonymous]

My mom and dad divorced when I was 3 or 4 years old. I barely remember them being together. Then when I was in 2nd grade, my mom let a man who had previously been married and divorced (without kids) live with us. Three years later, her parents convinced her to marry him because """GOD DOESN'T LIKE IT""" (they're living in sin). They got divorced 8 years later when I was away for my freshman year in college. He was horrible. They should never have been married, they got married for the wrong reasons (to please her parents). They screamed at each other all the time and the fact that she waited until I was out of high school to divorce him was DCUM level stupid. I see that advice here all the time (to not divorce while the kids are still under age) and that's not an environment to raise kids in and he wasn't even my biological father. Now he's my ex-step father. That's literally nothing to me and I haven't spoken to him in nearly 20 years.