DD is giving me the silent treatment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapy for her.

She doesn't need therapy for being a brat. She needs to look less at influencers on social media and learn to focus on things other than the superficial.

Exactly. She does NOT need to become more navel gazing.

I'd have a consequence for the not going to school. You are letting her rule the roost, OP and it is not healthy for EITHER of you. Be the parent.

[Anonymous]

Well I must be a way worse mom than you, OP, because I’ve read your post twice and can’t see what you said that is so terribly wrong.

Certainly it is NOT your job to fix what SHE keeps insisting is wrong with her. In fact—you stated that you are the one who tells her she is NOT ugly and doesn’t need to change.
That she feels she is entitled to have you supply her with expensive products to fix an issue she has with herself does not mean you are obligated to provide it.
She then lashed out and blamed you for “being ugly”—but YOU never said she was!
You just said it’s not your role to “fix” her perceived imperfections. And that if she sees an imperfection she wants to change—then it’s on her to figure out how to change it.
You didn’t call her fat.
You called out that SHE calls HERSELF fat.
You didn’t call her ugly. You pointed out that SHE calls HERSELF ugly.
You are not required to participate in her self-shaming or to fund her quest to change her self-perceived flaws.

I don’t get why what you said is somehow objectionable??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me who thinks the DD could just be extremely hurt and not weaponizing silent treatment. Teen girls feel very deeply. What OP said is rational but it's also harsh. I bet the DD only heard the worst parts (you are fat). If she has body dysmorphia then she's probably twisting this in her mind as confirmation that her mother does find her fat and ugly that "do something about it" confirms that it's within her control and therefore a character flaw. (even though it is the opposite of what OP said). I would give her grace and not view this as a power play. OP apologized and I think just needs to give it time.

This is how I saw it. The DD already seems to have a very bad, dysmorphic self-image and has probably heard what OP said as "You are fat and ugly." Refusing to go to school would have me worried that she is feeling so much self-disgust that she doesn't want to be seen by anyone, as they will convey reinforcement in her twisted view of how hideous she is. I hope she hasn't taken "If you think you are fat, lose weight" as confirmation that she is indeed fat and has license to develop an eating disorder, because she sounds from OP's description like exactly the type that would be at significant risk. The silent treatment would not be my priority right now.

[Anonymous]

If something deeper is bothering her, this article has good advice on trying to understand where your teen's coming from, OP:
https://www.understood.org/en/articles/my-teen-stopped-talking-to-me-should-i-be-worried

Also, not a bad time to ensure your own self-esteem is in good shape, so you can model that for DD, and feel less defensive when she's upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recommend you don't engage with DD on her appearance at all. Just keep telling her you love her, that you will support her, and that there is xx in budget (or whatever the limit is) on beauty products.

This is wise advice.

OP, is it just the 2 of you in the household?

[Anonymous]

Did the OP ever come back? Maybe she made s mad dash to Sephora?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did the OP ever come back? Maybe she made s mad dash to Sephora?

Haha, I’m back. Thanks for all the answers. DD still isn’t speaking but I’m going to have a chat with her once she’s ready to talk. She already has some symptoms of an eating disorder which worries me, but I don’t want to address it directly for fear of that triggering extreme dieting.

[Anonymous]

I think parents need to stop allowing kids to refuse to go to school. Take the day off work, stand next to her saying “go to school” until she goes. Walk her in by the ear. Do something. You can’t just be like oh well and go off to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the OP ever come back? Maybe she made s mad dash to Sephora?

Haha, I’m back. Thanks for all the answers. DD still isn’t speaking but I’m going to have a chat with her once she’s ready to talk. She already has some symptoms of an eating disorder which worries me, but I don’t want to address it directly for fear of that triggering extreme dieting.

I think *you* should consult a professional. Do what you can to help her avoid an eating disorder. I have not heard that avoiding the issue directly is a good tactic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parents need to stop allowing kids to refuse to go to school. Take the day off work, stand next to her saying “go to school” until she goes. Walk her in by the ear. Do something. You can’t just be like oh well and go off to work.

Come on. That’s Guinness record level of stubbornness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parents need to stop allowing kids to refuse to go to school. Take the day off work, stand next to her saying “go to school” until she goes. Walk her in by the ear. Do something. You can’t just be like oh well and go off to work.

Meh, I don't think one mental health day is the end of the world, as long as it doesn't become a habit. It's Friday. She'll be over it by Monday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the note pp. I will add that once this blows over and things are calm you should talk to her about silent treatments and how they are manipulative and can be seen as abusive. Tell her that as she grows she need to practice being able to talk through things instead of going silent. She can ask for space to process, but using silence as a tool is not kind and if she uses it in her future friendships/relationships, things can go really badly. Again…not now. But when she’s in a better place.

I'm 12:54 and approve the bolded message.

Silent treatments are better than screaming matches!

I disagree. Neither is good but silent treatments are really bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry off-topic... but I have never heard silent treatment referred to as abuse.... thank you so much to the posters saying it. This is a lightbulb moment for me. My mother would (and still does!) give me silent treatment and it makes me feel shaky and terrified....and she acts like she's doing nothing wrong. It absolutely is horrible and abusive. I just appreciate you guys for saying this. I feel stronger and more empowered and less gaslit now. Thank you!!! Sorry didn't mean to derail.

My DH went through the same thing, realizing his mom giving him the silent treatment was and is abusive and it’s really helped him to unravel some of his issues. I’m glad you are recognizing it for what it is; manipulative and abusive. Such a cruel thing to do to a child, especially

Yes! My mom has done this to me my entire life. Days, weeks, months of not talking and then she would talk to me or call me out of the blue and pretend everything was normal. I took this abuse for 29 years and then I stopped. What did it for me was my then boyfriend now husband being appalled that my mom stopped talking to me for four months because I didn’t tell her before I RSVP’d “no” to my cousins wedding (we are not close and it was on a small island in Canada with complicated logistics and I had just started a new job). I didn’t think I needed to clear my RSVP with my mom but she was apoplectic. Why? My sister also didn’t want to go and my mom thought that I would go and be her emotional punching bag for the weekend because she hates her siblings. So of course it made sense that she stopped talking to me for four months.

We have a very strained relationship now. She is barely in my life of my kids lives. It is sad but it is not something she wants to self reflect on and I can’t play her games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry off-topic... but I have never heard silent treatment referred to as abuse.... thank you so much to the posters saying it. This is a lightbulb moment for me. My mother would (and still does!) give me silent treatment and it makes me feel shaky and terrified....and she acts like she's doing nothing wrong. It absolutely is horrible and abusive. I just appreciate you guys for saying this. I feel stronger and more empowered and less gaslit now. Thank you!!! Sorry didn't mean to derail.

My DH went through the same thing, realizing his mom giving him the silent treatment was and is abusive and it’s really helped him to unravel some of his issues. I’m glad you are recognizing it for what it is; manipulative and abusive. Such a cruel thing to do to a child, especially

Yes! My mom has done this to me my entire life. Days, weeks, months of not talking and then she would talk to me or call me out of the blue and pretend everything was normal. I took this abuse for 29 years and then I stopped. What did it for me was my then boyfriend now husband being appalled that my mom stopped talking to me for four months because I didn’t tell her before I RSVP’d “no” to my cousins wedding (we are not close and it was on a small island in Canada with complicated logistics and I had just started a new job). I didn’t think I needed to clear my RSVP with my mom but she was apoplectic. Why? My sister also didn’t want to go and my mom thought that I would go and be her emotional punching bag for the weekend because she hates her siblings. So of course it made sense that she stopped talking to me for four months.

We have a very strained relationship now. She is barely in my life of my kids lives. It is sad but it is not something she wants to self reflect on and I can’t play her games.

4 months is truly insane. She is and probably never was mentally stable. It’s good you keep your boundaries and don’t expose your kids to her issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the OP ever come back? Maybe she made s mad dash to Sephora?

Haha, I’m back. Thanks for all the answers. DD still isn’t speaking but I’m going to have a chat with her once she’s ready to talk. She already has some symptoms of an eating disorder which worries me, but I don’t want to address it directly for fear of that triggering extreme dieting.

If she has symptoms, this is exactly the right time to address it.