3 kids or 4?

[Anonymous]

I want to be able to send my kids to college debt free, and still have a comfortable retirement. So that was a driver in my decision to stop.

[Anonymous]

How many can you afford college for? How about paying and driving to activities.

[Anonymous]

I can afford 6

[Anonymous]

You do you OP. If you want a 4th, go for it. Just remember that each child is a HUGE expense and takes attention away from the others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do you OP. If you want a 4th, go for it. Just remember that each child is a HUGE expense and takes attention away from the others.

This. I have three and SAH. Now that 2/3 of in tween/teen yrs it is so so busy. Lots of sports tournaments, private music lessons for all three, sports practice, individual time every night for homework and supplemental teaching. Reading to them (yes I still read to my older children). Driving to different schools with different schedules. It is a lot. It doesn’t have to be this way. You could have 4, have them attend public school, use the bus, and not to any enrichment or extracurriculars. So you need to decide what kind of parent you want and how you want to raise your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do you OP. If you want a 4th, go for it. Just remember that each child is a HUGE expense and takes attention away from the others.

This. I have three and SAH. Now that 2/3 of in tween/teen yrs it is so so busy. Lots of sports tournaments, private music lessons for all three, sports practice, individual time every night for homework and supplemental teaching. Reading to them (yes I still read to my older children). Driving to different schools with different schedules. It is a lot. It doesn’t have to be this way. You could have 4, have them attend public school, use the bus, and not to any enrichment or extracurriculars. So you need to decide what kind of parent you want and how you want to raise your kids

Oh the horror! Not PUBLIC school! Lady, teens require a lot of parental time and involvement no matter what. You aren't a more caring, involved parent because your kids attend private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a family of four and I completely disgree with this. There was defitinitely "grouping" mainly becuase my older sibling and I were closer in age and our two younger siblings were close in age (and a bigger gap- 3 years- between me #2 & #3). But I never disliked it. I had an automatic best friend and being a shy/anxious kid having my siblings as my saftey net helped me so much. I never thought of the "grouping" as a bad thing and I think my siblings would agree. I mean I probably could have gotten more attention from my parents as a kid, but maybe not having all the attention on me was such a bad thing?

Its funny I have found people that come from big families either go on to have big families themselves or would never think to have more than 2. Either you love it or hate it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am from a family of 4 and I just want you to consider what it means for kids to "pair off nicely." This sounds nice but is it really better for kids?

In my experience, being in a family where you are easily grouped doesn't really improve your experience as a child. It means you are never an individual, you are always grouped in with "the older kids" or "the little ones" or the girls or the boys. It often feels like your parents don't actually see you, because you are always one of a set. Also, even pairs can contribute to competitive vibes depending on personalities and interests.

Like it sounds very even and tidy -- two sets of two. But if it were me I'd stick with 3, where kids get to be individuals a bit more and where they can mix and match in different ways (all together or pairs based on actual interests instead of just ages).

I also think if you don't have extra adults around (whether family or a nanny who will stick around well into elementary school) three is much more manageable in terms of ensuring all kids get some 1:1 adult time and no one feels ignored.

Four kids is... a lot of kids. Having lived it, it is not something I would choose.

OP here. I appreciate this perspective. I am one of two siblings (both girls) close and age and I actually didn't like that for similar reasons to what you suggest. Fewer kids, but I hated the lumping together. It is helpful to keep this in mind and I can see how the potential for trouble here could be potentially worse with even more kids, and you're reminding me of part of what I like(d) about 3.

I mean, obviously everyone's experience is different. Even within families. In my family with four kids,

1) the eldest sibling LOVED being from a big family but went on to have just two kids,
2) the second sibling complains a lot about the dynamics of the big family but went on to have four kids anyway
3) the two youngest don't complain much but privately didn't love being the youngest in this particular big family, and each went on to have only children

Birth order, age gaps, parenting styles, family resources... it all makes a difference.

[Anonymous]

Four is insane, IMHO. And I have five siblings, and three kids of my own.

I always am wistful for another baby but in practice, three is plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do you OP. If you want a 4th, go for it. Just remember that each child is a HUGE expense and takes attention away from the others.

This. I have three and SAH. Now that 2/3 of in tween/teen yrs it is so so busy. Lots of sports tournaments, private music lessons for all three, sports practice, individual time every night for homework and supplemental teaching. Reading to them (yes I still read to my older children). Driving to different schools with different schedules. It is a lot. It doesn’t have to be this way. You could have 4, have them attend public school, use the bus, and not to any enrichment or extracurriculars. So you need to decide what kind of parent you want and how you want to raise your kids

Oh the horror! Not PUBLIC school! Lady, teens require a lot of parental time and involvement no matter what. You aren't a more caring, involved parent because your kids attend private school.

You missed the point. It wasn’t a dig at public school. But public schools provide services that many privates don’t- such as bus service

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do you OP. If you want a 4th, go for it. Just remember that each child is a HUGE expense and takes attention away from the others.

This. I have three and SAH. Now that 2/3 of in tween/teen yrs it is so so busy. Lots of sports tournaments, private music lessons for all three, sports practice, individual time every night for homework and supplemental teaching. Reading to them (yes I still read to my older children). Driving to different schools with different schedules. It is a lot. It doesn’t have to be this way. You could have 4, have them attend public school, use the bus, and not to any enrichment or extracurriculars. So you need to decide what kind of parent you want and how you want to raise your kids

Oh the horror! Not PUBLIC school! Lady, teens require a lot of parental time and involvement no matter what. You aren't a more caring, involved parent because your kids attend private school.

You missed the point. It wasn’t a dig at public school. But public schools provide services that many privates don’t- such as bus service

Whatever - this comment is nonsensical. I live across the street from a family of 4. They all did extracurriculars and all went to our great public. One at Wellesley, one at Cornell, one just got into Hopkins. Youngest is a sophomore and an all-state runner. And the mom drove them everyday and was super involved in the PTA and sold her tech startup when kids were in middle school and dad is in private equity. Entire extended family is in Texas. Mom was SAH when kids were young. Some people just do it better.