Obllivious Preteen

[Anonymous]

Just wanted input from your experiences with your own kids on whether my friend's child is...

a) acting totally normally for an 11 yr old
b) not totally normal for that age but behavior could be changed by using different approach
c) not totally normal for that age, likely has something going on and should have assessment/professional help.

Basically while at home the child seems unfocused, distracted and oblivious in terms of her surroundings and body awareness. She steps on objects lying on the floor, will kick over drinks that are set down, eats food and lets crumbs fall everywhere, forgets constantly what she is asked to do. She seems to never notice she is making a mess (glue dripping onto the floor), water spilling all over the place, she will walk with muddy shoes right into the house or end up cutting / scratching the furniture if she holding something sharp in her hand.

Her teacher has no complaints and she does well academically and socially. If it is something that really matters to her she remembers it.

Any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I believe you just described my son to a tee. He turned 11 on this past Monday.

--last month asked him to take the trash out. The next morning I find the trash bag sitting OUTSIDE the can, not in it. I open the can thinking it must have been full. Totally empty.
--last night asked him to take the trash out before dinner. Said he was going to get his shoes. Fast forward to right after dinner when I notice the trash is still there. Ask why didn't he take it out: "YOU never told me to take it out!!!"

I could go on...

On top of the absent-mindedness is the moody, hormonal, weight-of-the-world-on-my-shoulders kicking into high gear these days. We've dubbed it "tweenagery."

This is totally normal, and fortunately it will pass.

[Anonymous]

Your subject line is redundant.

[Anonymous]

1453: in defense of your child, he did, in fact, take the trash OUT. He took it OUT OF THE CAN.

Badumpbump, *crash*

[Anonymous]

14:53 here: Thanks for the laugh 15:10.

Which reminds me, humor is the ONLY way to get through this. Although my spouse and I really have to watch ourselves. We will just start laughing at the absurdity of ds's responses and moods, which then can escalate him.

Oy.

[Anonymous]

Having watched two sons and their friends go through the tween years and into the teen years, I don't feel that the things OP described are unusual. An 11 year old is still a child, and even though physically they may be bigger and look more mature, often that's where the maturity ends. Many of them are as clueless as ever at that age. Your friend needs to understand that if her child is being messy/careless around the house, she needs to speak to her about it and not assume that since she is older she will suddenly be more careful and responsible. That all takes time and guidance.

[Anonymous]

The answer is (a), Chuck! LOL!

My 14Y0 went through that phase at 11-12 (and still has flashbacks) and my 19YO did too.

All your friend can do is keep on top of it.

[Anonymous]

Oh God!! On vacation at the beach, a friend's child dropped full plates of food on the ground, knocked over full drink glasses, somehow dropped and broke a plastic cup full of a drink. She slopped water ALL over the bathroom floor such that it took full sized beach towels to clean it up. It was awful. She was 10 at the time. Clearly, she is advanced.

[Anonymous]

You just described my wife. Some people are just day dreamers or more laid back (eg, while I pick things up and clean crumbs, a certain level of mess doesn't phase her ).

My wife is creative while I am analytical. She is left brain and I am right. She is an artist, I am a lawyer. You may have an artist in your family.

[Anonymous]

Op here! thanks. She doesn't seem to be artistically inclined...just a space cadet! It has gotten worse in the last six months and her parents are convinced that it is option c) and that there is something wrong with her. I am pretty sure she is just a typical unfocused 11 yr old. She is also getting pretty moody and argumentative...

The problem is my son is the same age and is a super focused kid who loves order and neatness. They see him and compare to their own child...I try to tell them he has been this way since birth but the contrast is significant and they are exasperated!

[Anonymous]

frankly op your kid may be the odd one.

[Anonymous]

OP: Your son clearly has OCD issues .

From my experience, tweens can be oblivious.

I could tell you stories about my 10 yo, but it would be redundant.

[Anonymous]

The following is an entry from Chip Wood's blog: Yardsticks4-14.com He is the author of a great book called "Yardsticks: Children in the Classroom ages 4-14" Each chapter is about the physical, social, cognitive and learning traits of each age. At my school each August, teachers read the chapters about the age group they'll be teaching. It's great stuff for parents as well. Here's what he says about 11 year olds:

Elevens are powerful advocates, strong believers, and budding lawyers. They are passionate about their ideas and their opinions, their allegiances and their sense of justice. They are devoted to their classmates and peer groups,and the social negotiations surrounding cliques, which tend to peak at eleven and twelve, elevens are in a clear growth spurt both physically and cognitively. While both their bodies and ideas can often appear awkward and clumsy, they are actively engaging whole new worlds with a sense of outward boldness, yet inward tentativeness. Everything at eleven is in rehearsal.

Praise elevens for every piece of the rehearsal, remembering that their pronouncements and proclamations are not quite as sure as they sound, that their assertiveness is not intended as rudeness. Take notice of their voluminous rough-draft writing and their sketches and doodles. These things have importance to elevens. Respond to their journals in writing or leave a written note by the bedside. This communication “at a distance” is one good way to keep in touch and continue to build strong relationships with eleven-year-olds while they are so overboard with being attached to their peers.

Even the “contemptuous” behavior of elevens is a positive attribute. The eye rolling, teeth sucking, deep sighing, tongue clicking, shrugging, “whatever” posture of the age is a physical manifestation of a psychological response: It’s a way of practicing “distancing” to establish physical and social safety when sensing a threat or discomfort from another. And who better to first practice this with than a trusted parent or teacher!

Elevens would rather learn new skills than hone the old ones, but revision and final-draft excellence in all their school work is a source of pride,—even though they may complain their way there. Teaching formal debate in sixth grade is a great way to channel elevens’ needs to be contrary and their sense of justice. Having to argue an opinion opposite from the one they hold is a great object lesson in perspective taking and empathy at this age.

Elevens do well with project and service learning, especially when it is their idea. Homework can be a hassle, but the more they are held responsible by their teachers and given independence by their parents for this responsibility, the more able they are to learn from the positive logical consequences in school for accomplishment as well as from the negative consequences for not following through.

Elevens are ready to spread their wings and take short flights from the nest. Parents often report that they seem to do better away from home and at school and are often moody around the family. That’s where it’s safest to let your guard down and show your insecurities. Elevens are less grown up than they wish they were some of the time and still can completely enjoy retreating to the safety of younger childhood patterns. These children are truly the tweeners

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The following is an entry from Chip Wood's blog: Yardsticks4-14.com He is the author of a great book called "Yardsticks: Children in the Classroom ages 4-14" Each chapter is about the physical, social, cognitive and learning traits of each age. At my school each August, teachers read the chapters about the age group they'll be teaching. It's great stuff for parents as well. Here's what he says about 11 year olds:

Elevens are powerful advocates, strong believers, and budding lawyers. They are passionate about their ideas and their opinions, their allegiances and their sense of justice. They are devoted to their classmates and peer groups,and the social negotiations surrounding cliques, which tend to peak at eleven and twelve, elevens are in a clear growth spurt both physically and cognitively. While both their bodies and ideas can often appear awkward and clumsy, they are actively engaging whole new worlds with a sense of outward boldness, yet inward tentativeness. Everything at eleven is in rehearsal.

Praise elevens for every piece of the rehearsal, remembering that their pronouncements and proclamations are not quite as sure as they sound, that their assertiveness is not intended as rudeness. Take notice of their voluminous rough-draft writing and their sketches and doodles. These things have importance to elevens. Respond to their journals in writing or leave a written note by the bedside. This communication “at a distance” is one good way to keep in touch and continue to build strong relationships with eleven-year-olds while they are so overboard with being attached to their peers.

Even the “contemptuous” behavior of elevens is a positive attribute. The eye rolling, teeth sucking, deep sighing, tongue clicking, shrugging, “whatever” posture of the age is a physical manifestation of a psychological response: It’s a way of practicing “distancing” to establish physical and social safety when sensing a threat or discomfort from another. And who better to first practice this with than a trusted parent or teacher!

Elevens would rather learn new skills than hone the old ones, but revision and final-draft excellence in all their school work is a source of pride,—even though they may complain their way there. Teaching formal debate in sixth grade is a great way to channel elevens’ needs to be contrary and their sense of justice. Having to argue an opinion opposite from the one they hold is a great object lesson in perspective taking and empathy at this age.

Elevens do well with project and service learning, especially when it is their idea. Homework can be a hassle, but the more they are held responsible by their teachers and given independence by their parents for this responsibility, the more able they are to learn from the positive logical consequences in school for accomplishment as well as from the negative consequences for not following through.

Elevens are ready to spread their wings and take short flights from the nest. Parents often report that they seem to do better away from home and at school and are often moody around the family. That’s where it’s safest to let your guard down and show your insecurities. Elevens are less grown up than they wish they were some of the time and still can completely enjoy retreating to the safety of younger childhood patterns. These children are truly the tweeners

This is great. +1!!!

[Anonymous]

Is it wrong because she is a girl? This would probably be acceptable for a boy.