To call camp or not

[Anonymous]

Need some perspective. My daughter is going to a, theoretically, very well respected, fun, highly organized day camp. Last session she had a problem and was picked on regularly by another boy in her group. She handled it well and the counselors addressed the boy's behavior regularly. He was sent to the camp office, etc. When it went into the second week and he hadn't given up picking on her, I called and asked that they not be placed in the same group next session. I explained that I thought it was being handled, but if there was another group available I was requesting a move since I don't want to pay $500/week for my kid to be called names each week. The camp office was super nice about it and said that the boy wasn't going to be in the second session.

Flash forward to the second session. There is another boy who is just tormenting my daughter. She says it is way worse than the first boy. She has cried in camp 3 times in 6 days this session. She maintains that she has done everything that we have talked about -- avoiding this boy, letting the counselors know when he is making fun of her and calling her names and today they couldn't miss it because she was in tears twice. She is 10, definitely on the sensitive side, and maintains that she enjoys this camp very much and wants to go back next year. It does sound like the camp is trying to manage this. My husband heard about today's events and wants me to call again and complain about this kid. I am not sure that calling to complain again is the right thing to do since the camp is handling it seemingly as best they can. Really, some kids are assholes and we all have to learn how to deal with assholes. When she needs support she gets it. This kid just won't back off. And I am trying to strike the right balance of letting her deal with it, but still supporting her if the situation is beyond her social skills right now.

But then a part of me would LOVE to call and complain about this kid. Is my husband right should we call or should we let the camp handle it?

[Anonymous]

I would call not to complain but to get more information on how the camp is handling it and if other kids are also having problems with this boy. I assume he is calling her names or something verbal (not hitting or something physical)? Maybe a good lesson for her in the long run on dealing with these situations.

[Anonymous]

Is she doing something that is annoying the boys?

Are they bugging her because they like her?

Are these boys known bullies that are terrorizing other kids?

Does she dissolve into tears easily over misunderstandings, small insignificant things?

Does she have other kids there she is friends with? usually at that age, the girls rally together to get back at the boys if the boys are mean.

If she still likes the camp and wants to go, then I wouldn't call them. What else do you want them to do that they aren't doing already?

[Anonymous]

I would call because it is always easier to deal with these situations if you have other sides of the story (not that your daughter is not telling the truth, I am sure she is -- I really hope you do not take it that way!). I would want to hear the specifics of the situation from the counselor and hear what the solutions and problem solving tactics were. I would approach it as a parent who wants to do everything they can to make sure their daughter has a positive experience AND benefits from learning that not everyone they encounter is truly kind.

Also, as a former Camp Director, I would want to know and would do everything I could to resolve the situation for everyone involved!

[Anonymous]

My dc is very sensitive, and I know that it is difficult sometimes to know when to intervene and when to let him work things out his own. I've discovered that he doesn't make things up, but, on the other hand, he gets upset about things that most kids would just blow off, and which most wouldn't consider bullying. I really do try to walk a fine line between making sure that he knows that I don't think that there's anything wrong with him, but also teaching him coping strategies. We discuss the fact that it isn't nice, and he's right to be upset, but kids generally don't tease other kids if they don't get a reaction out of them. We discuss funny responses he can make. He's come a long way in the last few months.

I would recommend talking to the camp, to alert them to the fact that your child is sensitive to the teasing, but not necessarily demanding that they intervene. They can keep an eye out, to make sure it doesn't get out of hand, and also give your child encouragement.

There is a very good book I read -- I think it was called "The Sensitive Child." It was amazing to have someone describe my child so accurately.

[Anonymous]

What exactly are the boys saying to her.

Is it like - you are ugly or is it like I can paddle faster than you?

I really think all kids should do martial arts - I would call the camp - say the kid has one more chance to shut it - then my child would drop the kid.

You think I am kidding - I am not - this happened to my son at school and after going through all the steps - ask to stop, walk away, tell an adult, talk to teacher, parents talk to teacher, parents talk to principal - my son go the go ahead on - drop the kid. (The principal was warned - if you can not control this situation my son can't take it anymore and he will defend himself.)

He did - problem solved.

So my advice right now is talk to the counselor when you drop off, talk to the head of the camp, sign you daughter up for JuiJitsu for the winter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are the boys saying to her.

Is it like - you are ugly or is it like I can paddle faster than you?

I really think all kids should do martial arts - I would call the camp - say the kid has one more chance to shut it - then my child would drop the kid.

You think I am kidding - I am not - this happened to my son at school and after going through all the steps - ask to stop, walk away, tell an adult, talk to teacher, parents talk to teacher, parents talk to principal - my son go the go ahead on - drop the kid. (The principal was warned - if you can not control this situation my son can't take it anymore and he will defend himself.)

He did - problem solved.

So my advice right now is talk to the counselor when you drop off, talk to the head of the camp, sign you daughter up for JuiJitsu for the winter.

This is terrible advice.

For one thing, the boys would probably kick dd's ass if she tried this. It's a high-risk strategy. Sure, pop him in the nose and he'll shut up, but it's more likely her attempts at getting physical will backfire and she'll be the one with the broken snozz.

That and the idea that a child should respond to words with a fist is just nauseating.

To the OP, the fact that this has now come up twice, I do wonder if there's something about your child that invites it. What's she being taunted about?

[Anonymous]

I thought the exact same thing as you until faces with brats/bullies/asses - whatever you want to call them. My H was an avid supporter of martial arts and I thought it was bull.

Ends up my sons has had to use is at least 5 times (now in middle school) and while I don't think she should be the agressor - if she had the confidence she could defend herself it will profit her in the future. She should tell him to shut it and feel confident that she could defend herself. (Of course there are adults around.) Bullies have power trip issues and they need to be put in their place.

Besides a 10 year old girl is probably bigger and stronger than a 10 year old boy.

You can complain, complain and complain all you want - maybe not go to this camp next year. But if this were school - the same thing would happen and she would be stuck. She needs to learn to stand up for herself plain and simple. No matter how shy - people can sniff out a shy person and often they are the target.

Of course she can't drop him this summer - hence the juijitsu classes in the winter.

I have BTDT - have you? Have you really had a child that has been bullied, teased, made to hate something they love by the words and actions of another. She needs tools to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Here's what I don't get. I assume this camp has some kind of "camp pledge" or "honor code" or something like similar that spells out how kids should be respectful of each other, etc. If this boy is really not following that, shouldn't the camp be giving this kid warnings that if he doesn't follow the code, he has to leave? It's not like school, the camp doesn't have to keep a kid that is truly being mean to other kids.
OP, I think a phone call would be in order. I think you can do it in a way that doesn't make you sound like a PITA, but just in the spirit of "I'm hearing this from my daughter, but I'd like to talk to you adults to get a better sense of what is happening and what strategies you are putting in place to handle the situation." These strategies can be a combination of stuff for your daughter to work on, and stuff for the other kids to work on.
The way they respond will give you a better sense of
1. If they are really on top of this and take true cases of bullying seriously, or
2. They don't really have a plan in place, and as you have a sensitive daughter, this camp might not be the best fit.

[Anonymous]

On other suggestion. When you call, also let the camp office know what strategies your daughter is employing, and ask for additional suggestions from them as to how she should react. . . this is a nice way of pointing out what she is already doing that is not working!

[Anonymous]

I would stop by the camp and hang out. Have lunch there or watch the activities. It will give you a much better idea of the whole picture -- how other shildren behave, how your child behaves, and how the counselors react. I know it is frusterating to take time out of your day when you paid for childcare, but that hour or two may give you more information than a whole lot of telephone calls.

[Anonymous]

Definitely let camp know that you are aware of what's going on. Don't be afraid to escalate. Event the best camps have young counselers that may not be equipped to deal with bullying alone. Go in person after drop off and let the camp director know what has happened as you understand it, and say that you want to understand their bullying policy. Listen to what they have to say. Explain how your child has tried to address the situation. Underscore that you prefer to let kids deal with this alone but that things have gotten to the point that you need to intervene. Politely ask for redress and follow up. Do not let your child know you are involved. BTDT. Persistence pays off.

[Anonymous]

Do you really know whAt is going on, or only what your daughter says? Something isn't adding up if she's being picked on and wants to go back to the camp.

I would call and ask the perception the counselor has of her dynamics with other kids.

Maybe she is being picked on, but I'm not convinced it is so simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would call not to complain but to get more information on how the camp is handling it and if other kids are also having problems with this boy. I assume he is calling her names or something verbal (not hitting or something physical)? Maybe a good lesson for her in the long run on dealing with these situations.

. How do you deal with nasty, verbally aggressive people with whom you are forced to spend time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would call not to complain but to get more information on how the camp is handling it and if other kids are also having problems with this boy. I assume he is calling her names or something verbal (not hitting or something physical)? Maybe a good lesson for her in the long run on dealing with these situations.

. How do you deal with nasty, verbally aggressive people with whom you are forced to spend time?

I'm the pp with the sensitive son, and the point many have made here is that it isn't clear that op's daughter is being "bullied" per se. Maybe -- just maybe -- the kids aren't "nasty" and "verbally aggressive," but rather just being kids and teasing each other, and op's daughter is very sensitive to what most kids would laugh off. She reacts badly, the kids think it's amusing, and the cycle continues. It's not nice, but it's reality. Learning to deal with such things is a life skill that needs to be learned. I agree that op should call the camp and discuss how to the camp can either stop bullying, if that's what's really happening, or help her daughter learn to cope with the fact that not everyone you meet in life is going to be nice to you. As an adult, there isn't going to be a camp counselor following you around. I was sensitive as a child, and I now work in an area in which pretty much no one worries about anyone else's feelings. The answer to your question is that it depends. Some people I ignore completely, some people I "kill with kindness." "Sticks and stones..." remember?