baby a product of a sexual assault
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Anonymous
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I need help with how to word this to people that ask,
We are about to adopt a baby boy, The birth Mother was raped and doesn't know who the man was. I am not conerned yet with how to discuss with the child, I know it will be a few years before we have to deal with that. My question is, when people ask, about the birth parents what do I say about the rapist, I hate to use the works "product of rape", Or, "the mother was raped" This is supposed to be a happy time for us and I dont want to put a damper on a conversation, is there a nice way to word this? |
Anonymous
| Are you serious? Why would you EVER tell people this? ESPECIALLY the child???? Please tell me you're kidding. |
Anonymous
| People do not need to know this information. This is private family business. Do not share any of your child's business with people outside the family. When child gets older, this is his or her private information and she can choose to share it with whomever he or she chooses. But don't take this choice away from them. |
Anonymous
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I would not say anything about the circumstances. I would just say that only mom was involved in the adoption and that she felt given her circumstances that adoption was the best choice for her child. You don't need to detail the circumstances.
I know a young woman who was the product of a rape. Even though she does know this, she denies it and says that her mom's boyfriend at the time is her dad. She doesn't know that man either but that is how the situation makes sense to her in a way she can cope with. |
Anonymous
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Agree with PPs. As an adoptive parent, there will be many opportunities for people to ask questions that you don't want to or, as in this case, shouldn't answer. Now is a good time to think about what you will say and practice it.
It may seem harmless to you at this point to share, but people will talk and kids will hear. Imagine your child in school when they are talking about families and some kid blurts out to the entire class that your child is the product of a rape. Or even worse, when they tease your child about it in middle school. There are enough adoption related issues you won't have a choice but to deal with. Do yourself and your child a favor and keep this information to yourself until your child is an adult and you share it with him. Its easy enough to say that the birth mother didn't feel capable of caring for a child right now and you weren't given any information about the birth father. Congratulations to you. |
Anonymous
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This is OP, thanks everyone, I know my family will specifically ask, I am not sure what to tell them although it may be easier to say we don't know anything about the birth Father,
I can see my Mom having empathy for him or having no empathy for the birth Mom without knowing the full situation. I will avoid it with non family members. To the PP who asked if I am serious, I don't get how you would avoid telling the child this? even if you wait until theyre a young adult? What happens if he wants to go looking for his birth father, thinking he could be this wonderful man? Im thinking it may be something we do with a therapists assistance, when he starts asking questions. |
Anonymous
PP adoptive mom here. I agree with your point of view here, but there are many in the adoptive community that agree you shouldn't tell. One other thought. Once the child is here and the idle curiosity passes, no one thinks about your child's birth parents except maybe you and your child. I've been an adoptive mom for forever now and our families never give a thought about our kids' roots - and, trust me, if they did, we'd know. |
Anonymous
| You just say, "they were not in a position to parent" and leave it at that. |
Anonymous
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Say nothing or "we don't have any information about the birth father."
This is your son's story and it will be his to tell. You can let him know when he's older, but don't tell the whole world the very sensitive circumstances of his conception. |
Anonymous
Now how nice of a person is your mother if she's passing judgement on the biological mother of her newest grandchild? |
Anonymous
| NEVER tell this to anyone. Are you crazy? There are a million other reasons you could give or even say you don't know why. NEVER tell your child he was the product of rape. This will only cause harm. What is wrong with you?? |
Anonymous
| Have you ever heard the story of the birth parents from parents who have adopted????? It is no one's business and I don't think anyone even cares to know. |
Anonymous
| Please do not put the burden of rape on your child. If you tell him or others, that is what you will be doing. You will put a label on him he absolutely does not need. Please allow him to create his own path and self without ruining him with the label "child of rape". |
Anonymous
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OMG, you do not share that information with family, friends etc... It's simply not appropriate. Your child's birth situation is none of anyone's business.
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Anonymous
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