Spin off of catty little girls - how do we make our daughters nice?

[Anonymous]

Spin off from the other thread based on this comment.

She also told me how socially mature my daughter was, that she was sticking up for the little girls who were picked on by the 'switchers' and sitting with them when they were shunned. I was never so proud of her!

That's how I want my two daughters to be. I want them to befriend everyone - regardless of their "status" in school. How can we teach our daughters to be nice and stick up for the less popular kids?

Yes - I know to be a good role model and all that, but there has to be more. I'm sure it's very hard for a young kid to stand up to the queen bees in a classroom by being nice to kids who are being picked on.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm working on character traits, like empathy, with my DD. She's 2 and sometimes at the store we'll hear a baby crying...she'll say, "Oh no...tiny baby crying" and I ask her, "How could we help the tiny baby feel better?" She'll respond with hug, play, or even talk to God with the baby. A few times we even prayed there in the store, (one sentence, eyes open, not some formal prayer-meeting!) "Dear God, please help the tiny baby feel better and help his/her mommy know how to help"

Just thought I'd add my 'plan' and bump this back to the top of the stack!

[Anonymous]

I agree that part of this is teaching/modeling empathy. Just asking your child to imagine/describe what others might be feeling is helpful. "How do you think Anna feels when no one wants to sit with her? What do you think might help her feel better?"

I'm sorry to say, I think some parents avoid doing this because on some level they don't want their child to go too far out on a limb for others and risk being one left out or feeling bad on the "outside" next time. (TMI, but I think this was my mother's approach. Good intentions, but not helpful.)

I think the other piece of this is helping our daughters build a bit of independence so they're not so in the thrall of the Queen Bees as they get older. My guess is this starts early -- when DD describes what Queen Bee so-and-so said or did, it's taking a moment to ask DD what they think about that. Was that right/nice or would they have done something differently if they were QB. For me, the key is engaging our daughters in conversations where they can think about and talk about these things themselves -- not just listen to our advice to be nicer or more independent.

I'd love to hear other people's thoughts on this!!

[Anonymous]

Yea! What a good topic. I try to instill values in my kids, and sometimes I see my daughter modeling "niceness" and other times she does not. One time we were at a playground and she went up to a girl on a swing and tried to remove her aka push her so she could have a turn. (she was 4 at the time). Needless to say I was mortified and she got a very public talking to and time out in front of all the other kids.

I worry about her becomeing a Queen Bee because she already at the age of 5 is "the leader", tells kids what to do when they are playing games, and seems to naturally have a much more extroverted personality than I did. In fact I was the exact opposite as a kid and I'm kind of at a loss. I want her natural personality to shine through, but draw the line between being outgoing versus bossy, and being a leader versus manipulating other kids.

I try to read books about character, and talk about hurting peoples feelings, etc., but I worry I'm not doing enough

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm working on character traits, like empathy, with my DD. She's 2 and sometimes at the store we'll hear a baby crying...she'll say, "Oh no...tiny baby crying" and I ask her, "How could we help the tiny baby feel better?" She'll respond with hug, play, or even talk to God with the baby. A few times we even prayed there in the store, (one sentence, eyes open, not some formal prayer-meeting!) "Dear God, please help the tiny baby feel better and help his/her mommy know how to help"

Just thought I'd add my 'plan' and bump this back to the top of the stack!

I do something similar with my little boy, no prayer though (thought I'm NOT putting that idea down, we just don't pray much and only go to church 2xs a year at best).

I always try to show concern for others in front of my little boy and when he hits someone or is not nice, I don't just do a time out, but talk about how he should not hurt other people's feelings. I really work to try to instill empathy and I think its working. He hugged a little girl at the mall who was crying in line, I think she was in trouble with her mom, but when he heard her crying he was moved to hug her. It really brought tears to my eyes.