distressed about birthday gift-am I being an ungrateful brat?
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Anonymous
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I just turned 35, and my wonderful, caring DH bought me a beautiful watch (cartier). I absolutely love it, and it's a watch I would feel comfortable wearing all the time (ie, not diamond-crusted or anything)...and then I saw the balance on our credit card and realized he paid almost $5k for it. While we can afford it easily, I feel like this money could have been so much better spent on things on our house that we have plans for, or jeez, a college fund. I would have been happy with a watch that cost a fraction of this watch. I don't know how to bring it up, as in the past he's gotten really touchy about me returning his gifts (he feels like if he wants to give me a certain thing, regardless of the cost, then he should be able to get it for me). I don't want to hurt his feelings or make it a huge deal-should I just suck it up and keep the watch, or should I be honest and tell him I feel uncomfortable with the amount he paid?
WWYD? |
Anonymous
| I would keep it. But perhaps you should start putting aside a certain amount each month for college funds or house plans. That way you will feel a little more comfortable in the future if he does spend some money on a luxury item, and he will see if there are funds available above and beyond the more important expenses. |
Anonymous
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Don't say a word except thank you. If you can afford it easily then why would you deliberately do something that you know will make him feel bad and ruin the gift and time and thought he put into into it?
A few months from now you can have a discussion about expensive gifts and limits or saving but not now. Many people spend far more than 5K on jewelry - engagement rings etc.. |
Anonymous
yawn...., 
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Anonymous
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If you have the money, a classic, beautiful watch is not a horrible thing to buy. Instead of disposible trendy accesories, you have an heirloom.
If you're worried about other money things, you should address them separately. |
Anonymous
your jealousy is showing! |
Anonymous
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I have no idea what the "right" answer is, but this gift would make me uncomfortable too. I'm just far too practical to be able to enjoy expensive gifts like that. Every time I checked the time, I would be reminded of the cost and think of all the other things I could do with that $5k.
So, I would probably say something and hope we could return it. And DH would probably be offended. I know it's a gift, so that's tricky, but the fact is it's coming out of a joint fund. |
Anonymous
| Granted, we could not "easily" afford anything even close to what you are talking about here. But, on the other hand, DH and I have an agreement that if we are spending more than $500 on anything that we will discuss it with each other beforehand. It does not matter what it is. Maybe you and your DH should have a similar agreement where you agree to discuss anything over a certain amount. His heart was clearly in the right place and if you can easily afford it, it seems to me that you can also easily start saving for some of the other things you mentioned. I would thank him for the gift and say (a week or two from now) that you want to ensure you both are on the same page for major purchases and that to you, a major purchase is anything over x amount. Oh, and yeah, I am jealous. It would be a WONDERFUL thing to be able to easily afford $5,000 for anything let alone a new watch. |
Anonymous
I agree with this poster. My husband also surprised me with a Cartier watch (though mine was less expensive than yours) as a way to commemorate our two children. He engraved their names/birthdays on the back and I will pass this watch down to my daughter. I too felt very guilty about accepting it because it was a lot of money for us that could've been put to more practical uses. In the end, I kept it b/c of the thought/sentiment behind it and his pride in picking out something he thought I would love. If we could not afford it, I would've returned it in a heartbeat (or more likely, it never would've been bought to begin with). |
Anonymous
| If you have always been a stickler about money - for example had a small low budget wedding, always buy clothes on sale, then I would think your DH would know this would make you uncomfortable. If you however had had moments of big spending in life or if you have purchased other expensive items (furniture etc) that is above and beyond the basics then I don't think you can fault DH for doing the same. A watch is functional and practical. Of course there are many cheaper ones but there are cheaper cars, cheaper houses, cheaper clothes etc... |
Anonymous
| I would keep it, but would definitely set boundaries in the future. We frankly set limits for gift expenditures - when you have joint finances, it really is the thought that counts, since he's spending your money, too. So, limit future gifts to $100 or $20 or whatever (we have done both). It's hard to really think of something someone would like for a lower amount, and that thought is the gift. |
Anonymous
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OP here-thanks for the quick replies! I agree with the idea of setting limits-in fact, we had had this convo before, but I guess DH "forgot" it. He is much freer with money than I am, he drives a luxury car, I drive a standard sedan, he wears high-end suits, I buy most of my clothes at Target. Most of this is because I SAH and don't have much need for clothes from Neiman's, but to be fair, I know I could shop there without complaint from him (when it came time for a new car, he wanted me to look at luxury, I said no due to cheerios and smeared peanut butter I could see all over the leather interior).
I know how lucky we are, and I guess I just need to get over it, accept the gift nicely, and be grateful he wanted to spend that much on what he felt was a milestone year. And revisit before our 10 year anniversary next year! Thanks for the advice. |
Anonymous
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If you are not struggling for money why you're wondering other things to do with the money?
I call TROLL. If you can easily afford a 5K watch you would never be wondering about returning it for a college fund. |
Anonymous
| It's not that I want to return it because we need the $$ for other things, it's that my thrifty soul hurts when thinking I would have been happy with a $200 watch, and then we would have had $4800 to spend towards setting up a playroom for the kids, or re-doing our deck, or one of the myriad other things I think the $$ would have been better spent on. My husband likes to wear his $$; I prefer to see it in my house and our kids' education. |
Anonymous
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If you can afford it, why would you want to hurt his feelings? He obviously put thought into the gift and like a PP said, you can, down the road a bit, have a conversation about gifts/money/spending caps but not right now.
DH overspent on me last Christmas so this year I brought up the topic of Christmas and said "we just spent all this money remodeling, would you be OK if we just considered that part of our gift to each other?" He said yes, he would be OK with that. Just to be sure, I followed up the week of Christmas and said "seriously, I have nothing for you under the tree from me, the kids got you little things but there's nothing from me... are we still good with that or did you get something for me?" He said he was still good, there was nothing under the tree for me and we were both happy. |