lecturing NT kids

[Anonymous]

My SN kid spends a lot of time around NT kids. Lately ive had to resist the urge to give these kids (or their parents) a lecture. "I dont want to stand in line next to him, he's weird." Yday, a peer told my SN"s DC's sibling that DC is "weird, wild and wears a diaper." Im wondering if i shld tell the peer's parent that child has a disability and their should be greater sensitivity. Probably not much to be done about this.

[Anonymous]

What is the setting? School? Camp?

[Anonymous]

I would want you to tell me if my child was saying things like this. Kids are stupid - and cruel. I would want to correct and teach my child if she was being heartless.

In my opinion, it's for lack of understanding. As a parent of a NT child, please let me know if you witness this.

[Anonymous]

I agree - I would want to know if my NT child was saying something like this so that I could correct it. If it was in a school/camp setting, I would approach the teacher. Otherwise, I would consider talking to the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want you to tell me if my child was saying things like this. Kids are stupid - and cruel. I would want to correct and teach my child if she was being heartless.

In my opinion, it's for lack of understanding. As a parent of a NT child, please let me know if you witness this.

Often their lack of tact is just kids being kids. 99.9% of kids are not stupid or cruel. Kids tend to be very direct and say what they see. They don't have the life experience to put what they see into context or to know all the adult rules of political correctness or not putting their foot in their mouth. I have a disability and kids comment on it all the time, not because they are stupid or cruel but because they are curious, and often think out loud. I don't mind it as I think the innocence f a child and their well intentioned curiosity and questions are far more natural than the adults who just look away or move away or create an awkward tension or give me pity/sympathy.

OP - I wouldn't lecture, just teach. Something like, "I heard you say he looks weird, weird is kind of another word for different and he is different because he has x and that means sometimes he said or does things in a different way then way than you. He does lots of things the same way as you though too like.... A teachable moment will get you farther in terms of inclusion than a lecture. Analogies often work well. This series on autism on the MOM -NOS blog is a good example. http://momnos.blogspot.ca/2010/03/on-being-hair-dryer-kid-in-toaster.html

[Anonymous]

I have the same feeling. With us, we get in the kiddie pool and all of a sudden it's "Mommy, I want to swim in the big pool." Happens every time. Do these moms think that their kids all, suddenly at the same time, just suddenly had the notion cross their minds to swim in the big pool when my daughter with obvious special needs gets in the pool with them? It's obvious to me with the looks on their faces that they are doing this deliberately because they are troubled/upset/disgusted/whatever by the presence of a kid with obvious physical problems. But the moms are, of course, oblivious.

NT kids can be really hateful. Why do parents let them get away with it. Especially the ones in my neighborhood who are all about diversity?

[Anonymous]

Im the OP and i hear what 923 is saying; i recognize that kids are kids and not everything they say is hateful -- saying xx wears a diaper is not factually incorrect for example, though saying someone is weird and wild is inappropriate. and made my SN child's sibling uncomfortable and made him feel bad. I was thinking of approaching the parent and just saying something like -- im glad our carpool is working out, jsut so you know, xx has a disability, i know xx can sometimes seem weird or wild but thats bc. I just dont want to embarrass a parent and seem preachy, and i do find im in this situation more than i want to be.

I find that sometiimes w NT peers, when they make a comment, i want to say something like: you know what, xxx has a really, really hard time talking. For you, its easy but he just has so much trouble with it. So thats why he sometimes does x or y...

[Anonymous]

This happened to AS DS when he started school. He was the only kid in pull-ups in his preK class. There were "baby" and other comments by his classmates. Everyone got a note home so parents could talk to their kids about inclusiveness and differences. Teacher and Sp Ed teacher did a presentation on "differences" and how everyone is good at different things. Used it as a teachable moment. It was a big deal but worth it. No teasing, no bullying, no mean comments. DS is well liked and popular with his peers. He has motor deficits and his classmates "help" him by taking his hand. DS is still in pull-ups.

Speak to the parents. At this age, adult intervention is needed and hopefully, the early lessons will pay spades when they are older.

[Anonymous]

PP -- this is a good idea, the note etc. This was done with a kid with diabetes in my DC's class and it was helpful. I think im going ot do that with my DC in the fall -- dont know why school didnt suggest this, but wouldnt be first time school has fallen short...

[Anonymous]

I have gone through all the stages of telling too much information, to none, to now whatever I feel is appropriate.

The problem is that some people just don't want to be bothered (mostly men - no offense to men - coaches, etc.), some people feel really uncomfortable, some people start acting weird towards me and my child. My son's tourettes is mild but noticable to most - but they don't know it is tourettes. So they make remarks. Sometimes I let it slide sometimes I just say - oh it's a tic - he has tourettes.

On the other side of the coin, I have 2 friends with children with physically severe special needs.

I wanted to just say - okay give me the Ph.D. version - can they play with other kids, can they hear me, can they respond, can they see.... but it also seems rude. I am not a shrinking violet and still I don't know what to do or say - and I am even in their shoes - just a little bit.

After months of being with one child it is very comfortable situation, we understand how much he can do and how much he can communicate.

The other child - my neighbor was with me one day and she works with SN kids. She just went right into the questions. Can she drink from her sippy cup or do I hold it for her, can I talk to her, etc. She said sorry - I am usually given a whole folder for each child - do you have a folder. The mom laughed - yea but it is at home.

I think the best you can do is find ways to say. Oh he has X and he can't Y. Find families (NT or not) that you can hang with - if NT kids see other NT kids playing with your child it is a good model and they are more likely going to feel comfortable. Don't assuem the kids are NT - they may not be and may say inappropriate things due to their special need.

It is okay to be frustrated. Stay strong my kids are so much blessed by all their diverse relationships.

[Anonymous]

I absolutely agree that some people (a lot, really) dont want to be bothered. That used to make me bad, but now i accept thats just reality

[Anonymous]

I think you might want to consider thinking about strategies for your child. You said it made her uncomfortable. Perhaps work out a response she can give - like "lots of people are different in the world" or whatever is age and personality appropriate. It is probably an issue she will face again - as there will always be kids who try to subtly bully her via references to her sibling.

If you feel like the parents of the NT child are flexible/kind - approach it as a "I know your child is a great kid, but they said something I would want you to be aware of". That is always the way i approached teachers - "we think X is a great kid, but yesterday my darling child said that X said .... and I wanted to let you know it was an issue so you could be aware of the situation." Starting with the presumption that the kid is a good kid and just needs some coaching is probably the best framework.

Also, remember just cause you think a child is NT, does not mean they are NT. As neighborhood kids have aged, I have learned that almost every kiddo has an issue - it might just be a challenge or it might be a true disability - this one has ADHD, that one is dsylexic, that one has impluse issues, that one lisps, that one's dad is a jerk and they are getting a divorce.........