Torn about leaving DD with terminally ill MIL

[Anonymous]

I am lucky to have a MIL who adores my 2.5-yr-old DD and vice versa. We've always trusted MIL to watch DD and they both love their special time together without us. Now MIL is sick and most likely she will not get better. We're talking a year at best. For now she still feels pretty much fine and we're doing everything we can to let her have quality time with DD while she still feels up to it. But I'm torn about leaving them alone together. MIL's condition can cause seizures. She has had 1-2 seizures before and they only lasted a few seconds, and she is now on strong anti-seizure meds. She can't drive bc of the seizures so that's not an issue, but her house is not childproofed and she lives on a very busy street and has a creek in her backyard so I worry about DD being left unattended. MIL lives several hours away from us and needs to be home for dr's appts and treatment, so taking her to our house is not an option right now. I know this may be the last time they get to have this time together. I suggested having one of us stay there with them and stay out of their hair but DD probably wouldn't leave us alone and it wouldn't be the same for MIL, and DH doesn't want to suggest it because he doesn't want MIL to think we don't trust her. (She is very sensitive about things like this.) DH wants to just allow it but I wonder if he's letting his heartbreak about his mom interfere with his better judgment. He's going to be sad and furious with me if I make a stink about this but I am so worried. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I would pretend you have things you need to do around their house - "hey mom, our stove is broken - do you mind if i cook for sunday when we drop Alexa off?"
or "mom, our laundry is just not working - can we bring some when we bring alexa?"

i would feel very uncomfortable leaving her alone andyour MIL might not even register (or want to admit) that its harder to play with and care for your daughter.

if the subterfuge doesn't work, i would go with "mom, we are just so worried little Tessa will wear you out. we want you to stay strong and healthy. we're going to go sit in the backyard and read a book - call me if you need anything." and then take frequent peaks. You could also offer to take MIL and your child to parks and whatnot - so you have to stay b/c you're the chauffeur, but she's "really" in charge of your dd.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should go too. He should be there to spend more time with his mom before she passes. Leaving your toddler there alone is kinds stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would pretend you have things you need to do around their house - "hey mom, our stove is broken - do you mind if i cook for sunday when we drop Alexa off?"
or "mom, our laundry is just not working - can we bring some when we bring alexa?"

I personally do not think this is a good solution, because, now, to add to the MIL's trouble (terminally ill, taking care of a child), you are burdering her wiht your problems. UGh, if I were in MIL's shoes, I'd be like, "What the. . .???"

I think you can find other ways around it beyond bringing your own chores over to do at her house!

[Anonymous]

My MIL has a terminal illness. She's coming for a visit this week and I've had to think about what to do if she wants to babysit. Like your MIL, mine feels pretty much fine. In my case, I've decided I'm comfortable with her babysitting for a couple of hours if she wants to.

If I were in your shoes, though, I'm afraid I wouldn't be comfortable with any babysitting because of the risk for seizure. If medical professionals say it's not safe to drive, then it's definitely not safe to babysit.

It sucks and I feel for you.

I honestly think my MIL is probably too tired to offer to babysit, but she can be a bit persistent, so I've already had to think about what I will say if the situation presents itself.

[Anonymous]

Your child is your priority, no matter what the situation. If your gut tells you that a caregiver isn't right, trust your gut, even if it is your MIL.

Ask your DH if he would prefer the direct or indirect route, but it does seem time for MIL not to babysit anymore. He could use gentle subterfuge or be direct--but this loss is simply part of a much, much bigger loss. And the grief she may feel is part of the larger grief over not having little time left.

I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

I would not be comfortable taking a 2.5 year old child to a caregiver who is not 100% healthy and lives several hours away. What if there is a reaction to the anti-seizure meds? Are your daughter & MIL just going to stay at her house? (You said your MIL won't drive now due to the chance of seizures.) What if your MIL has a seizure that lasts "longer than a few seconds?"

There are just too many issues. Your daughter's safety has to be your #1 priority.

Since the MIL is out of town, I think you should all be there for the special time with grandma.

I'm terribly sorry for your situation.

[Anonymous]

Mother helper. Is there a high school/college student around that you could hire. Be honest with your MIL. SHe might be anxious about it as well. Consider it your gift to MIL.

[Anonymous]

Seizures can be terrifying. Have you ever witnessed on OP?

Do not leave your child alone with your MIL. Your husband should be with her, so send the two of them together.

[Anonymous]

Maybe leave your daughter there for a little time. Like go there, drop your DD off, and take a walk in her neighborhood. Or you and DH can do some gardening. You and your DH can have a "date" outside, maybe grill out and hang out in the backyard while your DD has some quality Grandma time. That way, if anything were to happen, you are right there.

[Anonymous]

Can you hire a caregiver, who might help grandma with housework/laundry, while your toddler visits? She can be there if something happens as well as providing some relief for grandma.