Should I have my mom come right after delivery or after two weeks when DH returns to work?

[Anonymous]

My mom lives out-of-town, and can come to stay with me for approx. 3 weeks. My husband will be staying home with me for 2 weeks immediately after the baby arrives. We are deciding on when my mom should come: (1) either right after delivery (and thus overlapping with my husband) or (2) after my husband goes back to work. I am leaning towards the second option b/c then I will 5 consecutive weeks of assistance. Any thoughts? I am planning on having a vaginal delivery, and my husband is a very good caretaker/good with babies, and so I think we will be OK for the first 2 weeks just the two of us (although I know it will be hard). Also, I've made a bunch of food for us so we should be OK in that department for the first 2 weeks.

[Anonymous]

I would go with option 2. I ended up with a c-section and so DH's first week off was basically spent at the hospital. We were home 1 week after that and then DH had to travel for work, at which time my mom came. Since I had a c-section, I definitely still needed a lot of help that third week. Also, this gave DH and I some time on our own to figure things out before my mom showed up.

[Anonymous]

Have her come after your husband goes back to work. We didn't have anyone to help us immediately after DD 1 was born, and although it was hard, my DH and I look back on that as a great bonding time, we figured the newborn thing out (or not, LOL) together! I cried when he went back to work! You'll be happy to have your mom there to bridge the gap, believe me!

[Anonymous]

Mom of 2 here - I would definitely go for the 2nd option as well. The sleep deprivation will start to hit you around week 3 so it would be great to have your mom come to cook meals, etc.!

[Anonymous]

I agree, option 2. More help for you if you don't bounce right back (I also planned a vaginal birth, but had no such luck), and less strain in case your husband and mom aren't the best of friends. Plus, it's nice to find your own groove as a new family, spend some time bonding and making goo-goo eyes at each other (you and hubby, that is, along the lines of "OMG look what we did") before other people get involved.

[Anonymous]

Option 2. My MIL was here for 2 weeks right after the birth and it was difficult. I would rather have been alone with my husband and the baby to figure things out before having company. My MIL spent the entire 2 weeks telling me everything I was doing wrong (she's very opinionated). I wasn't doing anything wrong, just not the way she wanted. If I'd had 2 weeks to get used to having a baby, I would have had more confidence in dealing with her.

[Anonymous]

I'd say after DH's leave runs out. Stretch out the help you can get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have her come after your husband goes back to work. We didn't have anyone to help us immediately after DD 1 was born, and although it was hard, my DH and I look back on that as a great bonding time, we figured the newborn thing out (or not, LOL) together! I cried when he went back to work! You'll be happy to have your mom there to bridge the gap, believe me!

I agree! This was our experience exactly. The bonding time was precious and I was SO grateful for our parents' help once DH went back to work. Good luck and congrats!

[Anonymous]

The whole baby thing can be quite stressful for some grandmothers and as has been noted above they may make things more difficult for you.

Something about traveling to a different place for the birth of a baby freaked my mother out -- although I didn't figure this out until afterwards -- but she pretty much went into temper tantrum mode during the births of a nephew, a niece, and my own daughter. It was like her evil twin suddenly appeared and took over this normally civil person. (She was a pro at hiding her anxiety!)

Digressing....Not saying your mother is like this -- just that having that first baby is hard enough and it's your chance to be parents for the first time and get everything in place, before grandma shows up. (If my brother and sister had warned me properly, I would have had no grandparents the first week!)

[Anonymous]

OPTION TWO!! No contest. Said by someone who adored her mother but practically murdered her visiting parents who showed up right after we left the hospital.

[Anonymous]

Good question - we haven't even told our families yet (I'm only 7-1/2wks pregnant) and we're already thinking about this. For those of you that had your parents wait to visit, any hard feelings from them that they didn't get to see the "newborn" or did they understand? My parents hadn't expected us to have kids and my brother isn't married yet, so this is their first grandchild and they are going to be over the moon excited when we tell them next month. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if my mother wanted to come out before the baby is even born so that she doesn't miss being in the waiting room!

So yes, I know it's my new nuclear family and our boundaries to set, and I have no problems doing that, but I'm still curious what your parents' reactions were that the invitation was delayed...

[Anonymous]

This is to the PP's question. With the birth of my first - we are now pregnant with #2, my mom came the day DD was born and stayed for two weeks. My DH decided to go back to work instead of taking the time off with us b/c my mom was there. I was definitely a little upset about that but at the same time, I didn't need or want that many people hovering. My mom would not have taken no for an answer, she would have come out for the birth no matter what I said. That said, she was an enormous help, did the cleaning/cooking/let me nap/etc. We ended up taking a vacation with DH right before my maternity leave ended and enjoyed it immensely. My DH is not a real 'infant' person and really enjoyed our DD more when she was a little bit older. I think it really depends on your level of comfort though. Don't worry if you're parents are offended, it's your decision to make.

[Anonymous]

PP, the excitement factor is one of the reasons to wait. I've posted on this elsewhere on this board... my first was the first grandchild on my side, my parents were over the moon and in total celebratory mode. We were totally exhausted, scared out of our minds and overwhelmed. Add a week of torrential downpours and a small house... the result was a lot of stress and shrieking on all sides (well, the shrieking was mostly me). We all said after the fact, if only we'd known we would have waited. I never would have imagined feeling this way since I had such a great relationship with my mother, but honestly a lot of new moms need a little time sans guests, even family, to recover and bond. I realize that's not true for everyone, but just be aware that waiting even a week or two may make the whole thing much nicer for everyone.

[Anonymous]

I also agree--number two. Having just gone through this with option one, I think my husband was actually a little disappointed not to get to bond as much as he would have liked because the grandparents always wanted to hold DS, etc. It was really nice to have the help with cooking, we both agreed about that, but I think it would have been nice to just have family time and have the grandparents come later.

[Anonymous]

With my first child, I asked my MIL to come about 2 weeks after I delivered (when DH went back to work) and it was great. We needed the time to work out our own routine before she showed up. We also had a bit of help from my parents who are local.

This time around (I'm due in Oct) we plan to do the same, although I may break down and have her come a bit earlier because this time there is an older child to attend to as well.