MIL issues

[Anonymous]

Our DD who is 3 goes to see her every so often. Mil once trimmed her hair without asking us. Sure the bangs were a bit long but she was 2 at the time and it literally took of us to hold her and distract while cutting back then.

Mil has been wanting to buy a car seat for some time but with her careless driving habits (Eg leaves key in car, banged up car a bit etc) we asked that she not drive with our DD. she is now insisting on buying the seat since DD goes over more often in the summer. How do I kindly let her know we don't want her driving with our toddler? Would like to put this issue at rest.

[FBO]

Do you have the support of your spouse since it is their mother? If so, explain the situation to them, go to the MIL with a joint voice, and tell her that you she will not be driving your child around. You guys are the parents, no matter what, your decisions should be final.

[Anonymous]

You're not describing such dangerous or outlandish behavior. Personally, I'd let her drive my kids around.

But if you and your partner agree that its definitely not OK, then he can talk to his mom.

[Anonymous]

I am curious to hear others reply because we have a similar situation. But one thing I can say, is ultimately it is your husband's job to talk to his mother.

And the PP who says she would let the MIL drive, it appears OP gave a brief description and you do not know everything going on. Obviously OP is uncomfortable with it and that is all that matters. I don't see why they can't just spend time at MIL's house without going out. I would not want someone who is careless or absent minded driving my child around either.

[Anonymous]

Op doesn't like MIl, age old story. I would be willing to bet that 1. The op does not have a perfect driving record and that 2. She's just miffed her MIL managed to get her daughter to sit for a haircut when she couldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op doesn't like MIl, age old story. I would be willing to bet that 1. The op does not have a perfect driving record and that 2. She's just miffed her MIL managed to get her daughter to sit for a haircut when she couldn't.

Even if this is all true, she's still the mom and can decide who gets to drive her kid around or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am curious to hear others reply because we have a similar situation. But one thing I can say, is ultimately it is your husband's job to talk to his mother.

And the PP who says she would let the MIL drive, it appears OP gave a brief description and you do not know everything going on. Obviously OP is uncomfortable with it and that is all that matters. I don't see why they can't just spend time at MIL's house without going out. I would not want someone who is careless or absent minded driving my child around either.

OP here. Yes, there is definitely more to the story and a long history of careless behavior. Harmless mishaps for an adult, but potentially dangerous when you have an active toddler around. MIL has been accommodating to our wishes so far but I see her increasingly asserting her views especially on this car seat point. She's used to doing things her ways and judging others so I'm not sure how she'll take this "restriction" on her actions (i.e. driving with our daughter).

And absolutely 'yes' on the point that my husband will be doing all the communication to MIL.

[FBO]

No matter what people say; your kids, your rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op doesn't like MIl, age old story. I would be willing to bet that 1. The op does not have a perfect driving record and that 2. She's just miffed her MIL managed to get her daughter to sit for a haircut when she couldn't.

OP here. Sure, I concede that MIL-DIL issues are age old. But MIL loves our daughter very much and I want our daughter to have as much loving family in her life as possible. So getting along with MIL, for me, is important and my motivation is sincere.

[Anonymous]

FBO wrote:No matter what people say; your kids, your rules.

Amen. I wish more people would respect this fact.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the overriding issue is the MIL isn't listening to and respecting your wishes (or maybe not understanding what they are). I think it would be useful to sit down with her and your spouse and have a talk about the parenting style you want to use and what is off-limits for her (i.e. she should not cut the child's hair without asking or drive her, etc.).

The car situation is tricky, but ultimately, you may need to just be blunt about it. You could possibly phrase it as, "We aren't comfortable with our child riding in the car with anyone but us. Plus, we'd like to reduce her time in the car in general for safety reasons. We only drive with her when it's absolutely necessary." But then you need to follow through on that yourself.

[Anonymous]

So, DD and your MIL are to be captives in their house whenever she goes over there?

That's ridiculous. Your description of her "carelessness" doesn't point to recklessness.

[Anonymous]

If she is that careless, I am not sure I would be having her babysit.

[Anonymous]

I would guess DD is a first child or only child. I have a friend who was a perpetual "safety mom" to her daughter and it never ended. The daughter is now grown. It has had a negative impact on her as she carries all of the anxieties and fears of her mother into her own life and internalized it all. She internalized the safety stuff, but it generalized to everything else in life. She only does things she can be sure to succeed at, and even with those, she has a hard time jumping in. Caution, caution, caution. There isn't a lot of joy when caution is your first response.

The driving issue sounds like a control issue presented as a safety issue. Don't get into that kind of tug-of-war over your daughter with your MIL.