Siblings' Busy Schedules

[Anonymous]

My BIL and SIL live a couple hours away from us. Close enough to have somewhat frequent get-togethers. They lead busy lives - busy work obligations, their kids seem to have lots of activities on the weekends, during the summer they go to the beach frequently, etc.

MIL - who lives in the same town as they do - likes when all her children get together (understandable) but it always seems to be when is convenient for BIL and SIL. BIL and SIL's schedules seem to be the ones always driving our get-togethers. Our schedule isn't taken into consideration as much. It seems like we are expected to drop everything to accomodate what works for them.

A few examples - when my kids were younger and I was planning a date for their birthday parties, MIL would always tell us to check with BIL and SIL to make sure a date worked and they didn't have something already scheduled. I did that for a couple years but I stopped when I realized BIL and SIL never checked with us when planning their kids' birthday parties to see if a particular date worked for us(even though one kid has a summer birthday and the other kid's birthday party always happened on a weekend sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Those are busy weekends!)

Another instance - when planning a surprise birthday party for FIL, BIL emailed my husband a list of dates to see which one worked best for us. DH responded back with the date that worked for us and BIL responded by saying they already picked out a date for the party.

MIL likes us to do family vacations - fine. But BIL and SIL always pick the place and general time we go.

Is it a jerky move for us to stop accomodating their schedules so much? I'm ready to stop the family vacations (never like the time that is picked. Not crazy about the location either). I'm kind of at the point where I want to offer up dates for whatever events and if they are too busy then so be it. Even if we will see them less and the cousins will see less of each other.

Anyone else with busy extended families who seem to want to only see you when it's convenient for them?

[Anonymous]

I would say, "sorry that weekend/place doesn't work for us. How about the following weekend?" I think it is just their lifestyle and really has nothing to do with you. If you don't voice an opinion, how would they know? I think you need to stop personalizing their actions.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the PP. They don't know your schedule unless you tell them. And if you miss out on a few weekends together, so what? That's the way it goes. Are their kids older? As your kids get older, your weekends will fill up quickly too and you will understand better where they are coming from.

If you don't want to go on family vacations, don't go. Just let them know the schedule doesn't work for you this year and maybe next year.

And it is a jerky thing to do to your own family - DH, kids, you - to continue to accommodate their schedule all the time. Have some respect for your own family's time.

[Anonymous]

Are you a SAHM, OP?

On some level I get what you are saying, but I also don't know if you appreciate how difficult it is for working parents to schedule vacation time. If you don't work then, yes, it's reasonable to have to ask them about schedules.