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Little boys and guns...
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Anonymous
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So what am I doing wrong? We don't have guns, don't expose our son to entertainment that includes violence, and don't talk about such things in front of him.
But starting at around 3, he'd take a stick and pretend that fire was coming out of the end. He was obsessed with anything to do with explosions (including supernovas). Then he started to pretend that he was killing monsters and such. Clearly, I can't protect him from the influence of other kids in his class -- especially those with older siblings who are exposed to more of this kind of culture. Today someone at his mini-camp just gave him a bag of those old-fashioned green plastic soldiers. He is thrilled. He came home and started drawings pictures of them (complete with guns) and then disappeared to go set them up and start a battle. Are boys just programmed to do this? |
Anonymous
| Same thing with my son. I don't know if they are programed that way or if other boys influence them. No advice, just wanted you to know you are not alone. I think this is pretty common. This year I gave in and got him a suction-cup dart gun -- had to get my daughter one too so they could play together. Those things are actually pretty fun! My sis-in-law (with an only child -- a girl) was mortified. Oh well. (My kids are 5 and 7). |
Anonymous
| Freaked me out when it started about that age. Same thing, no guns or soldiers despite DH's many protests that he had tons and it didn't make him violent. Anyhow, supposedly it's mostly about kids feeling powerful/self-empowered. I've been redirecting it a bit toward being a firefighter versus a super hero/soldier. More for my own sanity. |
Anonymous
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I love this article by Jonathan Turley (GW law professor) which I think explains it so well and I think describes what alot of parents of boys are dealing with.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/23/AR2007022301749.html |
Anonymous
| You are doing nothing wrong. He is a boy. My brothers did this. My grandmother says my father and uncles did this. My MIL says my DH did this. It is some how hard-wired into them. Doesn't mean it is right or that you like it but they all do it. |
Anonymous
| 16:47, please add to that that it also doesn't mean that it is "wrong" just because mommies don't like it. I bet our DH's have a different opinion on this, even if they agree to our faces that they don't want "their boys" exposed to guns. |
Anonymous
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16:47 here. I agree. It is not right or wrong. Boys just do this stuff. I am sure my DH would much rather have our son pretending to play with an invisible gun than to want to put on my make up and play with dolls. I do not think there is anything wrong with a boy wanting to play dolls, but I am guarantee that my DH cringes at the thought. |
Anonymous
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But do you really think that our sons aren't hearing that message -- that "boys just do this stuff," that it's ok/cool/natural for boys to play with guns but not makeup, and other "boys-will-be-boys and playing guns is part of that" ideas -- from our husbands, from their friends, from any magazines, TV, other media they see, from us in ways that we don't realize? (I've always thought I'd be a "gender-neutral" mom - and in theory, I mean to be - but in practice, I only just bought my son a doll recently (and he's had trucks he got for gifts for ages!), I know I've used the phrase "he's all boy" (ugh) when he's rambunctious, and I sure have bought more blue clothes than pink (ok, no pink clothes).)
I'm not saying that there isn't anything hardwired, I'm just saying that it is SO over-determined that it's impossible for us to know. I've found more persuasive so far the studies I've read debunking the studies "proving" gender differences than the studies showing them to be innate. And though I've heard LOTS of moms say they can just tell it's innate, I just can't understand this, given the vast differences in attitude that babies get. (Boys are bounced more, girls are cuddled more - maybe this reflects the babies' responsiveness to these actions, maybe it reflects our views of what's appropriate.) |
Anonymous
I only have boys and I squeeze the poop out of them for hugs. They are so huggable and cuddly. I also can guarantee that my kids aren't seeing guns in magazines or on tv at my house. We do not have cable so they are only watching dvds we select for them. I personally think it is an outdated stereotype from the 1950's to think we treat baby boys differently than we treat baby girls. |
Anonymous
| 17:08 here. Maybe you manage gender neutrality and exposure of your kids only to your views, 17:32. I'd be incredibly surprised if the majority of parents manage that. I also think that the comments on this thread - the majority of which reflect a boys-are-boys attitude - suggests that differential treatment is not an outdated stereotype - maybe a stereotype that should be outdated?? |
Anonymous
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Nature or nurture, it does not matter what the answer is. This is how boys have been and will be. You can't shape their fascinations. But you can teach them right from wrong, and that will be good enough.
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Anonymous
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OP - I can somewhat relate. I haven't hit this stage yet, but I too will be mortified when he starts wanting to play with guns, do pretend wars and all that stuff. I wouldn't be surprised if it's coming any day now and I cringe just thinking about it.
I don't care if it's a boy or girl - I see zero need for any child to play with a toy gun. While my husband agrees with me, this will no doubt be one of those things that's easy to sit here and say, but difficult to manage when it comes down to it. (Reminds me of the "what did you never say you'd do as a parent" post...) I will say though that the whole gender stereotypes thing has become fascinating to me since becoming a parent. If you think of it at even the most basic level - walking into a store and seeing all the "boy" clothes versus all the "girl" clothes is strange. Because at some point our society decided that this is what boys wear, and this is what girls wear, and if you have a boy you shop in this section and they play with these types of things. And then I find myself actually feeling strange and struggling when I think about making choices for my son that may be out of the gender "norm". I remember standing in the toy store one day struggling with a decision about whether to buy a magnetic girl paper doll set (or whatever they are) because they didn't have any with boys. It makes me angry with myself and society that that was even something I had to think twice about. That all said, just like OP with the guns - one day with practically zero exposure (he wasn't interested in watching any TV until very recently) my son started showing an overwhelming interest in sports at 2 years old. If there is any type of sports on TV now - doesn't matter what it is - basketball, baseball, football, swimming, track, gymnastics, rowing - he is fascinated. With the Olympics, now he pretend dives and swims on his stomach all over the house. This translates to outside too where he just loves trying to throw baskets, etc. Basically - showing very early signs of the stereotypical boy who loves sports. Maybe girls do this too, and you certainly can't lump everyone into one category, but still I find it very interesting and somewhat puzzling. Also, I enrolled him in a music/dance class this summer. He was the only boy in the class, which never even occurred to me that would be the case until we showed up the first day. |
Anonymous
Isn't there a possible alternative explanation? It sounds like sports are on TV a lot on your house, especially recently. That gives him the message that you and your family are interested in sports. Is it not likely that he would begin imitating something he sees a lot of? I'm curious to know what would have happened had you started watching dance instead of sports! |
Anonymous
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OP here --
Thanks for all the great feedback. I really loved the Washington Post article. Especially the part about the mom throwing away all the toy swords so the boys using celery to finish the sword fight. With us, I didn't even have any swords to throw away before my son fashioned weapons out of umbrellas, sticks, etc. I do think that there must be a gender divide where this is concerned. I didn't bounce my son or roughhouse with him. On the contrary, he was supposed to be a girl and he had a nursery full of pink clothes until he was 9 months old. And becuase he was the effort of years of fertility treatments (I'm revealing my identity here to some), he hasn't gone 30 minutes in his life without being cuddled and kissed. I am going to resign myself to just trying to teach him how to differentiate between fighting monsters and real violence. I'm going to tell him to put the bad guys in jail instead of killing them. And I'm not going to let him make the poor "landlubber dog walk the plank, arrrgh" because cruelty to animals is wrong. He can use a stuffed animal for that. Such a fine line to walk.... |
Anonymous
| I do not allow my children to play with guns or pretend to have guns at all. Not to take away from OP, but my SIL took my children to the store and bought them toy guns. She knows I do not allow them to play with guns, but to add salt to the wound my brother was shot 15 the previous night during the Trinidad shootings! Why she would do something like this is beyond me. Guns are all parents preference, its no different than allowing TV. Some parents let kids watch TV, some don't same goes with toy guns/weapons |