What are your dinner time rules? Advice please

[Anonymous]

My 4 yr old twins are extremely picky eaters and I feel that we're on a bad spiral of catering to what they actually will eat and focusing too much on if they eat -- especially at dinner time. One is underweight and has always been a concern so it's hard to just let go.

My DH constantly asks, "Can I help you with xxx food?" "You need to take another bite." "You need to eat to grow big" "Come on, time to eat" and on and on through the meal. It's all trying to be encouraging but I feel it just puts pressure on everything -- although I think it probably does make DC eat more. I've tried repeatedly to get DH to talk about anything BUT food at the table but it never sticks. I think he's scared too about how little DC eats and that's his way of dealing.

I'd love to get a glimpse into what other people's dinner times look like to come up with ways to make our dinner times more enjoyable and more successful. Can people share what dinner time looks like for them?

Oh -- and I've seen people say in the past that their rule is that DC tries at least a bite of everything. Sounds good, but what do you do if they refuse? Time out? And any ideas on how to stop all the complaints about the food on their plate?

Sorry, lots of questions! I'm clearly out of ideas. Thanks

[Anonymous]

I used to be of the ilk: "You will try everything." Which was a downward negotiation from "You will eat what Mama and Papa eat."

Now we have the following "rules" for dinnertime:

1. The kids mostly choose from what we eat, but if we know there are healthy main meal components they'll refuse (we've been a family now for 4 years, so we know the drill) we'll provide a most-likely appetizing alternative for them to choose from. So, for example, we know DD won't eat red meat burgers, but she will eat a healthy alternative hot dog. The primary goal is to get her calories in, in a healthy way.

2. We always have some sort of veg on the table. For a child to get dessert, she has to have eaten a healthy, well-rounded meal. Before we start, we point out what combinations and how much are considered healthy and why. Veg is almost always a component of this. Again, we know there are many (almost all) veg she won't eat, so usually but not always we also offer a palatable veg choice. In her case, cucumber appears to be the most-acceptable.

3. The children choose from what's on the table. We don't force them to eat, but we do try to encurage, often with the promise of dessert afterwards if they get the well-roundedness in.

As a consequence of #3, the children often go without dessert. (We're talking homemade yogurt pops here, folks, or maybe five gummy bunnies: coveted treats that don't break the nutrition bank). But you know what? Sometimes they do.

[Anonymous]

I have one picky eater and one "good" eater. The picky one is very small, like 5th percentile for weight (some would say "underweight," but I don't think of her that way).

Most of the time, we make home cooked foods for dinner. We make foods that more or less everyone likes, at least somewhat. We never serve "kids food" like mac n' cheese from a box or chicken nuggets. We have whole grain pasta, roasted chicken, veggies, hamburgers, basmati rice, salmon, pita bread pizzas, sausage, etc. We never offer the kids something different than what is being served for dinner.

From what we've put on the table, the kids pick what they want. Sometimes that means my son (the "good" eater) will eat only rice. We don't sweat it - just enjoy our own meal. We do talk about food some during dinner, but mostly to complement the cook or express some kind of personal enjoyment.

One of the kids is old enough to clear his own plate, so when he's done with dinner, he takes his plate to the kitchen. Then its time for "fruit course" which is usually a choice of 2 or so items. Do you want a banana or some dried apricots? The fruit course is not related at all to what was consumed at dinner. There is no: "eat your veggies so you can have fruit course."

This seems to be working really well for us. Some days our small kid doesn't eat a lot, but she's growing and developing fine. Getting all stressed about her intake would set the stage for what we see as a whole host of other food related problems.

OP, you asked about using time out. I feel like that would be a really bad way to encourage eating. We have used time out during dinner for behavioral issues, but never for food intake issues. (Like time out for putting fingers in the milk cup again or for throwing fork on the floor)

[Anonymous]

Our 3yo is pretty picky, especially about veggies. He eats way before DH gets home, so some nights I eat with DS and other times I wait for DH... which of course alters what I offer DS for dinner. Regardless, he always gets some sort of protein, a veggie, and a fruit - and depending on what else he's had that day, sometimes a whole grain. No matter what, I make sure there is at least one item I know he will eat most (if not all) of. I encourage him to take at least one bit of everything. 99% of the time he doesn't argue or complain and will take his one bite. If he does argue and gets upset about it, we just let it go and he is excused from the table. If there is some sort of dessert item, he has to take more bites of each item... usually 4 or 5 bites in order to get the dessert. The only time I don't insist on that is if one of the items is totally new to him, and then he only needs to try one bite of the new item (and typical 4-5 bites of everything else).
That being said, dinner is tricky. I've read over and over than children eat less of dinner than any other meal since they have usually had 2 meals and 2 snacks at that point. I've noticed our DS goes in phases of scarfing down everything at every meal (and asking for more!) and eating a lot early in the day and less later in the day. I attribute it to growth spurts. My mom and grandma just tell me that he'll eat when he's hungry - so I offer nutritious food and encourage but don't force his eating habits. FWIW, he's in the 25th percentile for weight and height.

[Anonymous]

I have two picky eaters (5 and 2). Our dinner "rules" are much simplier than PPs:


1. Mommy puts food on your plate, the same food as everyone else's, you eat what you want.
2. Not one word about what is yucky, or what you wish you were having (you're not getting anything else).
3. You cannot get up from the table until everyone is done.

Some nights they eat a balanced meal, some nights they don't eat a single bite (I serve basic meals, chicken, potoates and brocoli; fish, rice and peas). They eat enough healthy options during the day that missing dinner wont hurt them - but fighting and hearing complaining will hurt me!

[Anonymous]

I usually make 3 items -- a protein, a veggie, and salad. I do add a fruit to my son's plate as variety if I know he's not going to like much of what we eat.

I do ask him to at least try one bite. I don't force it.

On days we have a protein he loves, he doesn't eat many veggies. On days he's not thrilled with the protein, he eats a ton of veggies (3 helpings last night of steamed cauliflower). Over the course of a week, his diet is pretty varied and healthy.

We don't eat desert after dinner.

If he eats nothing, I wrap his plate and put it in the fridge. If he gets hungry later, I'll reheat it. But no other choices.

Having said all of that, I do try to cook a healthy, tasteful dinner that appeals to all of us.

[Anonymous]

Depending on your husband, this could go over really well or really poorly.

One night, video tape dinner. Have DH then watch the video so he can see how much he is pushing DC to "eat eat eat." Maybe he'll get the point that it's too much.

[Anonymous]

DS is incredibly picky -- at almost 3, he still absolutely refuses to eat any fruits or vegetables. Except broccoli, and applesauce. Sometimes. So I don't have the answer for you.

What we've been doing, which obviously isn't working, is always offering him a meat, a starch, and a veggie. Sometimes we put the veggie on the plate, sometimes it's just on the table and we ask if he wants it. (sometimes he freaks out having it on his plate) If he says no, sometimes we talk about how important it is to grow big and strong and about how his little sister, who's only 9 months, is going to get bigger than him b/c she eats fruits and vegetables and he doesn't. This never works. More often we just offer and when he says no, we let it go but talk lots to one another about how much WE are enjoying that particular vegetable.

There's a certain threshhold he has to pass to get dessert -- e.g., he has to have all his rice and some of his meat, or all his meat and some of his rice, or a certain number of bites of each -- so that I feel like he's gotten enough nutrition and is not going to fill up on dessert. This is usually effective in getting him to eat more of what I know he likes, rather than stopping early b/c he wants dessert.

Every once in a while I get ambitious and tell him he needs to try one bite of a vegetable if he wants dessert. This has never worked. Not once. The closest I've come is that he has put a bite in his mouth, screaming and crying, and then spit it out. Not likely to make him inclined towards that particular vegetable, so I try not to force it.

We serve broccoli a lot, and applesauce a lot. Sometimes he won't eat those, either, but sometimes he will eat scary amounts of each -- like an entire huge head of broccoli -- what I thought would be sufficient for the whole family.

And Flintstones.

Would love to find the solution to get him to eat more vegetables, but so far nothing has worked.

[Anonymous]

We have the opposite problem than so many of you. Our kid, who is 3, loves fruits and veggies. He will eat peas, green beans, corn, peppers, and almost any fruit you put in front of him until he's stuffed to the limit. Protein - sometimes. Carbs - hardly ever, unless it's pasta or fries. Milk from a cup - forget about it.

[Anonymous]

I'm just like 14:48.
My 3yo loves carbs- except for pasta. Hotdogs or sausage sometimes, chicken nuggets most of the time, NO veggies, for fruit, only grapes, whole apples and occasionally applesauce. He LOVES nuts. Cheese occasionally. And . . . that's about it. Even at daycare.

I have no idea what to do. Sometimes he'll eat more if he's distracted, like playing on the floor with his trains or watching a movie.
Sometimes I can get him to eat more if we 'race' to see who can finish eating something first.

I do know that my 3yo prefers to fill up on liquids: milk mainly. So, one new rule is only half a cup of water with dinner. If he wants milk, he has to eat at least 50% of what's on his plate. He still won't touch any veggies.

He does love popsicles, so we make our own with veggies and fruit, so that helps a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two picky eaters (5 and 2). Our dinner "rules" are much simplier than PPs:


1. Mommy puts food on your plate, the same food as everyone else's, you eat what you want.
2. Not one word about what is yucky, or what you wish you were having (you're not getting anything else).
3. You cannot get up from the table until everyone is done.

Some nights they eat a balanced meal, some nights they don't eat a single bite (I serve basic meals, chicken, potoates and brocoli; fish, rice and peas). They eat enough healthy options during the day that missing dinner wont hurt them - but fighting and hearing complaining will hurt me!

My kids are 8 and 11 and this is basically what I have always done. The food battle can quickl;y get out of control and I remeber being a child and sitting, staring at my squash for hours after dinner, unable to leave until I ate it, all alone at the kitchen table. Awful.

I am lucky my kids like many different things and have always been open to many vegetables. Meat is more of the issue for us. Anyway, as they have gotten older, I ask for their in put on meals (broccolli or green beans; steak or chicken) and try to have meals where everyone like at least one thing. You have to have a bite of everything unless you utterly and totally hate it (like squash for me) but not because its just not your favorite. Bottom line, eat what you want of what I serve for dinner, or dont but that is it for the night. If they want dessert they know they better have eaten a healthy amount of dinner. I try to make dinner a protein and vegetable meal as much as possible because it is healthier.

[Anonymous]

We don't offer dessert after dinner. Dinner is put on the table. You can eat it, or you can not. If you choose to go to bed hungry, that is your choice, but that's dinner, so take it or leave it. (And I purposely try to serve stuff I think she will eat; I'm not sabotaging her by only serving eggplant or something I know she won't eat.) If she wants more of something, that's allowed. If she doesn't want something, I'm not forcing it and making food a fight.

[Anonymous]

I like 11:43's rules and this is what we *try* to do. We also have 4 yr old twins and then one either side. My boy twin is woeful. He is also of the personality that the more you push, the more he pushes back. I could easily make both my girls try everything but no way that works with my 4 yr old boy. He is however a little better since his 4 yr checkup. His Dr gave him the "lowdown" on food and it's importance. Then he told him to keep a chart of all the things he tries and eats, and if his chart looks really good at his 5 yr checkup, he will throw him a little party. Honestly, it is actually working!
On another note, my now 8 yr old was a picky eater and is now absolutely wonderful, so there is hope! I do try to not sweat it but unlike your case, my kids are average to big kids, so I think it is far easier in our case.
Good luck keeping the head ... it is hard!

[Anonymous]

We are in the no-dessert-if-you-don't-eat-your-brocoli school, and half the time they totally forget to ask for dessert during the bedtime routine. We have given up on dishing out foods they absolutely refuse like cooked spinach, one of them will eat mashed potato but the other won't so we set aside some cut up ones. I am always pleasantly surprised to hear what they eat at school and other people's houses. The 5 year old is working in salad and fish sticks but so far no luck on red peppers or cooked greens. Thank god for peas, green beans, brocoli and artichokes, the things they DO like.

[Anonymous]

Dinner is put on the table. It's the same for everyone: green vegetable, protein of some kind, plus something like pasta or rice or couscous.

We talk and eat. We deliberately try to make dinner fun for our two year old. If that means having small plastic animals pretend to eat with him, so be it. The adults do not have adult conversaton as that is boring for kids.

We do not force or encourage any eating of food. It's my job to make healthy food available. It's their job to decide how much to eat. If I am introducing something new, I just say "This is XXX" in a matter of fact way and make no statement about how good it will be or whether they should try it.

At the end, regardless of what has been eaten, there is fruit. Usually some berries or a cut up pear or apple, etc.