"the talk" -what was your approach?

[Anonymous]

I've been procrastinating all summer, but since school is starting soon (and DD hasn't approached me) I thought I should probably have the birds and the bees (do they still call it that?) chat with DD. I am fairly sure she is ready for a talk so that is not the issue, but just wanted to know some good tips.

Here's what I was thinking... I wanted to go over the basics. I know DD has had some "introductory" stuff in school so I envision I'd breeze/review through that. I guess my main concern is dispelling any myths (you're not going to bleed to death-type fears). I also want to put into perspective the Catholic teaching (abstinence, the sacredness of sex/marriage, etc.) which she is familiar with, but never really seemed "applicable" until now type thing, etc. Then I want to answer any questions she may have that I didn't think about.

I want her to feel comfortable talking with me (I know this doesn't happen overnight) especially as the vulnerable/awkward teenage years that are (too!) quickly approaching. My mom didn't do such a great job talking about the birds and the bees with me and so I don't want that to happen with my DD.

So should I sit down with her before she goes to bed, while she's watching tv after dinner (I'd mute the tv), take her out to lunch, or what?? Plus, would it be corny to say..."ok, now let's go out and buy you a bra"? (she needs one)
I think this conversation will be more awkward for me than for her

Gladly accepting advice....

[Anonymous]

If she needs a bra, she may be nervous about talking to you or not even know she needs one. Even if the whole experience is embarrassing, but she ends up with bras, you have done her a great service (think gym class!). Don't go in the dressing room if she doesn't want you to - she may be less shy with the matron in the store than with you. Also, bras aren't very comfortable at first, so maybe pick up a pack of tanks (with shelf bras? jockey makes some) that may be a compromise.

Also, I think you are taking on too much in one talk.

Just do mechanics and menstruation right now.

Save sex/pleasure etc for another day.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the above poster. Take one topic at a time--opening the door so your daughter knows you are approachable is a great first step. Then follow-up as needed so she knows that the door will always be open.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 teen daughters and had the basic talk with them at 8 and 9. I also bought them a great book called "The Care and Keeping of You". I think it was an American Girl Doll book. It was perfect for them and basically talked about how their bodies would change, hygiene, menstruation, etc. It really helped with the whole process.

[Anonymous]

1. It won't be one talk, it will be one of many. Think of it as the beginning of a dialogue.
2. No matter what you think she knows or what she says she knows, "breeze through" NOTHING. Be thorough - you can say, "I know you already know this, but just for my own peace of mind I need to talk with you about it again" or something if you want.
3. Maybe make the bra-buying thing a separate issue - go together, make it a mom-daughter celebration. Take her out to lunch. Mention that there will be some talks you will need to have (plant the seed of the idea to prepare her) - maybe laugh together about it, etc. Then, in a week or so later, take her out for another lunch and have one of those talks.

[Anonymous]

I generally answered my daughter's questions whenever she asked but kept it at an appropriate level for her age. There was no big talk -- just an exchange of information that continued as she got older. I agree that the American Girl book "The Care and Keeping of You" is great.

Here is one mistake I made, though. Somehow she got the idea that her menstrual period would start and *never* stop so of course she was really worried about this. I had no idea that she didn't realize that her period would stop after 5 days. One of those things where what was obvious to me should have been spelled out to her. Poor kid!

[Anonymous]

Some of the best conversations happen in the car while driving .. captive audience. .. also try to tie in some reason for bringing up the talk like " have any of your friends started having periods? or wearing bras? " or " I noticed that so and so is wearing a bra, should we go shopping for one for you?

Also, keep books in available places for her to look at on her own (and at her own pace).

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you to all the responders. You all have really good points and great ideas and I appreciate the candidness.
Glad I asked...