Elder care over two generations: How did you cope?

[Anonymous]

My mother is dealing with her father's declining health, traveling back and forth from her state to his.

Now I'm trying to figure out how to deal with my mother's declining mental health as well as her desperate financial situation. She has Asperger's Syndrome and is pretty continuously depressed, is reclusive, doesn't have close connections in the tiny dead-end town she lives in, and is unemployed. Both of her kids are now grown, married with kids or with kids on the way, and living out of state in new and shaky job situations. What we can actually do for her is pretty limited, and she'll resist cooperating with what we can offer her--she fears change in general, and specifically the idea of moving out of her town. She has been her father's dependent for most of her adult life, and now it's clear that the burden of caring for her is about to shift to me (my sibling lives half a continent away and has a more rigid job and family situation). So here are some of the questions I have.

-Have you had to juggle caring for kids and parents in a situation where the parents are long-distance?
-What are the changes you ended up making to your lifestyle?
-When money is tight, what tactics are still available? For instance, it's not likely that we could give up our jobs here and relocate to be with her, or that we could afford the additional space for her to move in with us.
-Was there any particular kind of emotional support that you found successful in trying to prop up your aging parents?
-What were the best resources you had to keep yourself from going cuckoo?

[Anonymous]

OP - I have been thinking about your post since I first read it yesterday. I hesitate to offer any advice as my situation is much less complex than yours - wow that is difficult with 2 older generations to worry about!

I don't have any advice really, but wanted to send some thoughts and prayers your way.

Not sure it will apply in your case, but in mine - it has been a great thing for my DCs to watch people care for their elders (not so much me as a beloved neighbor who cared for her mom for years, but they have also seen my husband and me care for parents and an uncle). I think my DCs are the better for having these situations in their lives. Again not sure that applies to your situation.

good luck!

[Anonymous]

Thank you! I'm in touch with a mental health specialist and am starting to get the ball rolling with some other family members. Who knows where the next few years will take us.

[Anonymous]

God bless you. This is really tough stuff you're dealing with. I hope you have access to a social worker, someone who is aware of what services are available. We had a hospital social worker perform miracles regarding my father's care and eventual transition into hospice care. It gave my mother the support she needed, as much as it also assisted my father.

Sorry I don't have any other way to answer your questions. Wishing you all the best as you navigate this. It's not easy, but it is the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

OP, you really are in a tough spot. DH and I are dealing with his mom and my parents and I thought that was difficult, but your situation is really rough.

We used a private social worker/agency to help us find the right placement for my MIL. She ended up coming to live in this area from NJ. The agency we used has contacts all around the country.

Good luck. My heart goes out to you.

[Anonymous]

We used an elder care consultant, found through an attorney we hired to have our Alzheimer's father declared incompetent (yes, that was a lot of fun!). She was fantastic and worth every penny we spent on her. She had great rapport with our father, understood how he saw the world, and figured out how to get him agree to move to a nursing home when it was clear he could no longer care for himself at home. And later she visited him every week at the nursing home and advocated for him, checking his medications and medical care, asking questions and making sure he was cared for properly. I'd just had a baby at the time and was not allowed to bring my baby to the nursing home, plus I was nursing and caring for two other children, so she was a godsend. We were not long distance, however, but if we had been, it would have been OK because this woman was a family stand-in, and eased my mind so much when I could not make it to the nursing home. My father had very little money, but he had a house, which we sold and used the money to pay for the nursing home and elder care consultant. It was all money well spent, though. Before we took him to court, he'd fallen at home and broke his ankle, lying at the bottom of the stairs for about 12 hours before someone came to check on him. We were out of state at the time. I could not bear to have that happen again, so I'm very glad we were able to move him to the nursing home where I knew he was getting proper care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We used an elder care consultant, found through an attorney we hired to have our Alzheimer's father declared incompetent (yes, that was a lot of fun!). She was fantastic and worth every penny we spent on her. She had great rapport with our father, understood how he saw the world, and figured out how to get him agree to move to a nursing home when it was clear he could no longer care for himself at home. And later she visited him every week at the nursing home and advocated for him, checking his medications and medical care, asking questions and making sure he was cared for properly. I'd just had a baby at the time and was not allowed to bring my baby to the nursing home, plus I was nursing and caring for two other children, so she was a godsend. We were not long distance, however, but if we had been, it would have been OK because this woman was a family stand-in, and eased my mind so much when I could not make it to the nursing home. My father had very little money, but he had a house, which we sold and used the money to pay for the nursing home and elder care consultant. It was all money well spent, though. Before we took him to court, he'd fallen at home and broke his ankle, lying at the bottom of the stairs for about 12 hours before someone came to check on him. We were out of state at the time. I could not bear to have that happen again, so I'm very glad we were able to move him to the nursing home where I knew he was getting proper care.

Thank you for this post. I need to look into an elder Care consultant for my In Laws. FIL has dementia, brought on by many years of alcohol abuse, His memory is shot, he has absolutely no short term memory, judgement is off, has a hard time forming a complete sentence, has to be reminded about what he is talking about. Dr gave an order to not drive, yet he insists on driving. Had to turn him in to the DMV. MIL has a physical condition that can cause dementia also and it appears that her judgement and memory are slipping. Together they are like 2 children, basically propping each other up. Fired the home health care worker. Decided that the assisted living place was for people who are "worse off than them" Their house is full of hazards including a swimming pool. DH is not being forceful, BIL has thrown up his hands and won't come around anymore. We can't get through to them. They both spent over 3 weeks in the hospital from a alcohol induced event on FIL's part, MIL had to stay with him because his detox caused extreme anxiety and fear. FIL would have died if we had not intervened, he was that far gone and it never occurred to MIL to call 911. We may have to declare them incompetent. The situation now is an accident waiting to happen.

[Anonymous]

To the PP from 6/13, can you recommend your consultant? Was she local? My mother has similar issues to some of your parents, but I tried to have her declared incompetent and lost. She is mentally ill, a hoarder, and has all sorts of physical health issues. She has spent nearly all of her savings, and absolutely refuses to move out of her home, despite the fact that she can't keep it up and it is a total disaster. Legally, we can do nothing about it. I think the best thing may be to hire a consultant and come up with a plan for when my mother can no longer manage.

If any of you have recommendations, I'd really appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

We're dealing an aging parent in another state and also have involved a consultant, although just minimally so far. We actually found her through a seminar that our hometown church held on aging in place and elder care options (confession: none of us went to the seminar or currently go to the church, but we reached out to nonclerical staff at the church for suggestions and they put us in touch.) Besides churches/synagogues, you might try to track down the local council on the aging for suggestions - they can be great sources of info on resources including consultants. We have a decent handle on my father's mild dementia and how to proceed, but we had a useful conference call with the consultant where she raised a lot of issues we hadn't really thought through (safety, meds, types of facilities, etc.)

[Anonymous]

OP (or the person with two parents with dementia) - you can refer/report your parents (you don't have to give your name) as "self neglecting" or "elders at risk." That will get them into a system where a social worker goes out to check on them and tries to get them to accept the services they will accept.