Best way to break news to friend about pregnancy?

[Anonymous]

I have a dear friend who is having a hard time staying pregnant and has suffered mutliple miscarriages in the past two years. I know it is hard for her to hear about people having babies right now. I just recently found out that I am pregnant with my 2nd child. What is the best way to break the news to her? Email? Phone call? In person? I don't plan to make a big deal of it at all, and I know she will be happy but at the same time I know how much the news will hurt too. I plan to tell her before we tell most other people, so she has time to digest it on her own.

Or, am I being overly sensitive and thus rude/presumptuous? I'd appreciate your input.

Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

Email with expression of understanding that this will be hard news to hear, but you wanted to be sure she heard it from you. It gives her time to react in her own way, in private. Trust me, I have *lost it* upon receiving this news, and really appreciated the friends who let me lose it in private and then approach them with congratulations when I was ready to give it.

But CONGRATULATIONS!!!

[Anonymous]

I second that approach. There was a thread on this a few months ago. Some people thought tell in person that email was inappropriate. It also depends on the type of person your friend is. Key is to do it privately and earlier than you tell other people. Congrats to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Email with expression of understanding that this will be hard news to hear...

I wouldn't do the second part. It will maker her feel bad not only about pregnancy but about what you think about her as a person. You mean well and apparently some people like this approach, but it's patronizing. I would hate to get such an email; it would make me fell like crap.

The truth is, it is the fact of pregnancy that is disappointing and there is now way around it. If you celebrate excessively she will be bothered; if you say it was accidental and you thought about abortion she would be bothered even more. And all that while being aware that she should not be bothered but rather happy for you. The best way in my opinion is to give her heads up (which is what you are doing) and also, do it in an email, so that she has time to respond in the way that she considers appropriate.

[Anonymous]

I second the email approach so she will have time to collect her emotions and decide how to respond. Also I would not bring up pregnancy related stuff with her unless she brings it up.

[Anonymous]

Email her! Also, I had a friend who told me she was pregnant with her third via email while I was on my 4th IVF and she said something like "I know life is not fair" I forget her exact words, but acknowledging the generally suckiness/unfairness of the situation was strangely comforting. As it happened, that IVF cycle finally worked and so now our kids are only 3 months apart!! Hugs to your friend.

[Anonymous]

PP here, I went through my emails and found her wording because it was bugging me. She wrote "The way these things work couldn't be more unfair. " Makes we tear up just reading it.

[Anonymous]

Definitely email. I would also acknowledge her pain in some way. You sound like a kind and sensitive friend.

[Anonymous]

Email would be best I think but I did it on phone because my friend and I rarely email and talk on phone multiple times a week. I just mentioned it in the middle of some conversation and she congratulated me and asked a couple of questions. This is kind of sucky situation. She is my best friend and we have known each other since middle school. She is the one I go to for any support but pregnancy is one thing I had to zip up about. I had horrible morning sickness and rib pain and all but I kept my mouth shut because I think she will gladly take all that if it means she can have a baby. Over the course of pregnancy, I would only answer any questions she asked. After I had the baby, she made a cross country trip just to see my child. That really made me tear up that she took time, money and energy for me and my child.
Hugs to you and your friend.

[Anonymous]

Email or phone but I wouldn't right that it is hard news for her to hear. If someone wrote that to me I would be offended.

[Anonymous]

I'm probably going to be in your situation. I have a friend who has been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years. I have a 3 year old and will be TTC#2 soon. I know there are no guarantees for either of us, but I intend to let her know over coffee that we're TTC again before we start so that she's not totally surprised if I get pregnant. Then, if I do get pregnant, I'll tell her either over the phone or through email, unless we happen to be in a private one on one situation where the timing feels right. If she's a really good friend, then you know best how to tell her.

[Anonymous]

Even with my best friends, I'd prefer them to email me, but I'd appreciate getting the notice at the same time she told others. I don't think its necessary to write that the news will be hard to hear - it may be, it may not be - let her figure that out, I'd feel guilty if one of my best friends was thinking about what it'd be like for ME to hear this amazing joyous news.

[Anonymous]

a few of my frie nds know i'm struggling, my bf is pregnant with her second and emailed me to let me know. It was very brief, ie/ just wanted to share some great news, me and X are expecting our second, we're due on such and such date.

I was happy to hear it, and knew it must have only taken 1 or 2 cycles b/c their first is so young! She knows I've been TTC for 2 yrs but not that IVF is our only hope...

[Anonymous]

pp here, I wouldn't mention at all this might be hard for her to hear. It wasn't hard for me to hear that one of my dearest and oldest friends is expecting! It wasn't hard for me to hear my sister is expecting her 3rd. I am genuinely thrilled. It was not hard for me to hear that friend of mine TTC as long as I conceived naturally 2 weeks ago! All these women told me within days if finding out, and neither made me feel akward in their delivery! They were so happy for themselves, that it was contagious!

[Anonymous]

also another vote for email. my friend emailed me and while it was hard news to hear (read), it gave me some time to regain my composure. within a couple of hours, i was able to give her my heartfelt congratulations.