what to know? playdates with ASD children
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Anonymous
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My five year old is friends with a 6 year old with Aspergers. The mother has asked us to participate in weekly/regular playdates. What should I know? Anything in particular I should prep my son for? She mentioned particularly "speech therapy" and "peer partnership."
Sorry for my ignorance, but I would love to know how I can make the times together fun and productive for both kids. For what it's worth, my son is very introverted, but his friend seems very outgoing (and super articulate). Thanks! |
Anonymous
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My DD was also the neurotypical peer for a girl with Aspergers, at about the same age your child is now. DD was also very shy and introverted but she was and is a consistent person - very predictable in her behavior and reactions, which is why the mom of the other girl sought her out. DD attended play therapy with the other girl weekly for a while and then monthly therafter.
I'm assuming that this is what you mean - play therapy, as in a structured playdate with a trained therapist or the mom doing some of the facilitating. Am I right? If this is the case, then I suspect your child will enjoy and benefit from it. Mine did, enormously. She really wasn't aware of what her "role" was, other than as a friend who went to play with the other child (had no sense of herself as being part of a ""therapy program"), and as someone who was shy and introverted, she learned good rules about play along with her friend and also increased her confidence in social situations. If I'm wrong and you mean alternating playdates sometimes at your house where you are meant to be the one facilitating play, then this is a different story, and you might ask the other child's mom more explicitly what will be expected of you and the other child - or if the other child is just fine with social interaction so it's just a case of two children playing an no one needing "help" or being expected to learn from the other through the play. |
Anonymous
| Wow, this is a new concept to me as an SN mom. I always wanted my child to have genuine friendships, not participate in a "peer partnership." But if it works, more power to you. Our kids need all the friends they can get. |
Anonymous
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19:33 here. My DD did consider the other girl a real friend and they shared a genuine friendship until we moved away. It had nothing to do with it being a fake friendship. My DD just understood the "rules' of social exchange in a way that the other girl didn't, so the therapist used interactions between the two as a way of showing - and having DD model - how a neurotypical child might react (appropriately) in certain situations.
My DS has SN, and this is exactly why I like him to be in integrated settings - so he can see how NT children react and hopefully learn from their model. When he has NT friends to play, it's not that it's a "fake friendship" but is just giving him an extra "boost," at least potentially. |
Anonymous
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OP here- thanks, you two. I don't think it's that the mother of the other child doesn'twant my son to be friends- real friends- with her son. I think it's just that she needs some physical human beings as well to help with therapy. To be honest, I probably should have asked exactely what this meant but I didn't... because of the friend part. I think the play will be facilitated by various therapists.
I just want to make sure I've prepared my son correctly. I know what this sounds like, so please don't slam me... but I also have to admit that there's a part of me that is considered he'll pick up some not so good behaviors since the other boy has some (although, who doesn't). The other part of me wonders how to explain the other boy to my son... esp. because he's a kid (ours, I mean) who DEFINITELY benefits from some prep. |
Anonymous
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Since you weren't specific about what you meant by troubling behaviors, its hard to respond. Does he perseverate, get caught in repetitive loops of behaviors or conversation topics? Really, NT kids would get pretty bored pretty quickly trying to imitate what our kids with AS do. I don't mean to sound sarcastic but Aspergers isn't contagious. My son with AS has had friends his whole life and participated in therapies like this when he was younger and none of the NT kids he played with could ever be mistaken for having any of his behaviors.
Just tell your son he's going on playdates. You can also tell him the adult is there because his friend is learning better ways to play. Thats enough. Keep it simple. If this other child is a friend you don't want to make him seem like a freak. |
Anonymous
Anonymous
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Thanks, PP 654. I totally get it what you are saying that Aspergers isn't contagious... and I hope it doesn't come across that way and truly apologize if it seems like I'm being sensitive... but I am ignorant, and trying to learn more.
The behavior I'm talking about that I find troublesome is more that the kid has some pretty incredible tantrums at times. And my son is (overly, at times) sensitive and I can see him being really disturbed by that (since I am myself) and want to know the best way to explain it. Since both my kids are NT as far as I know I'm kinda going on intuition vs. educated and informed thinking here. My intuition is to say 1) yup, all kids are different and he's learned to have better behavior and 2) thats why the aide is there and 3) aren't you lucky b/c you get to play with both of them. It totally makes sense to me that I don't want to stigmatize, label, etc... esp. because I don't even know what the other kid's udnerstanding is of his diagnosis... I'm going to look at the links. In the meantime any and more recs that help me 1) help this other kid and make teh most of the time in a sensitive way an 2 )hep my child become friends with the other boy while recognizing that his behavrios aren't always the best- should we need to discuss that - very welcome! |
Anonymous
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OP here again- thanks for the links again. I wanted to ask: when do parents normally tell their kids about diagnoses? The reason I ask is because all these books give labels and I have no need for my son to be the one telling his new friend about his diagnosis... but at the same time, labels and books like this can be really helpful for my son in understanding where his friends are coming from...
Again, sorry for the ignorance. While my kids are NT like I said I have enough unrelated expeiences to know it can get old having to be the one (in the minority) who has to educate others (usually the majority) about what being the minority is like... and especially when I know parents of SN kids have enough on their plates... but I appreciate the explanations. |
Anonymous
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I think telling your child that his friend needs "help with playing" will be enough at 5 yrs old. That's what the other kids in my AS son's preK class know and it seems to be enough. They are very accepting at that age.
My son knows his diagnosis. He's 4 turning 5 this summer and I explained it the same way. Seems to be enough for him too 
I think it's very nice of you to agree to do the playdates. |
Anonymous
| Nothing to add except that you are a very nice and thoughtful person, OP. Wish everyone was like you. |
Anonymous
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PP here, with the DD who was the NT playdate for the child with AS. I guess I'm confused, OP, why you feel you need to explain the situation to your DS beyond that he is going to play with his friend. I mean, you said in your first posting that he IS friends with this child, right? So if he is friends with him, I'm not sure why you feel you need to explain how John is different and needs your DS's help.
In our case, I told DD that she had been asked to go play with Jane (not real name) at Miss Tina's office on Tuesdays, and off she went, happily, to play Candyland or whatever games they played. No explanations, no discussion about how Jane was different, no clue to her that this was anything other than a normal situation. Maybe your DS is more "awake" than DD was at 5 (and 6) but she never questioned why they played at Miss Tina's and she certainly never raised herself that Jane was "different." |
Anonymous
Depends on the parent. Ask. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks, everyone.
11:36, it's not that I have to explain now any "difference"...it's that I suspect there will be behaviors related to AS that will come up and I'm trying to know how to best prepare my son for them... |
Anonymous
| Just tell him all kids have strengths and weaknesses. You don't need to say much. My son has AS and had years of playdates with typical kids, structured and unstructured. My son's behaviors (e.g. impulse control, demanding the first turn, crying when losing, not being aware of personal space, loud voice, high energy) definitely did NOT rub off on his friends. His friend was also quiet and no as expressive and I think he blossomed and learned to take good risks and be more expressive and creative and think outside the box because he spent time with my son. If you hold the playdates, just be sure to structure the time together and scaffold their interactions if/when necessary. My son grew to being quite independent on play dates. |