Life not in line with values

[Anonymous]

I would like to have a different life. I have a different vision of what my life ideally would look like. Indulge me for a moment. The sad thing is I have what a lot of people think they want. We have financial success, healthy children, a nice home, friends, etc. We live in a safe place, and obviously in a country with opportunity, we are not at war in our homeland. . . I realize all of these things, and I am grateful. However. .. .I want a simpler life (my husband does not). I envision a charming cottage/bungalow, shelves lined with books, a big ol dog, walking my kids to school (public, none of the private school competition we are currently embroiled with) on a street with sidewalks. The weather is nice much of the year (CA, parts of FL?), we live within our means and have time together as a family. We buy clothes at Gap, Old Navy etc. and think nothing of it. We spend our free time together as a family, and with good friends who come over for impromtu dinners, because they have the time (no one seems to in our circles, everthing is so planned), the kids have friends in the neighborhood, I read, attend yoga or otherwise, am healthy and in shape. . . am I selfish? My husband wants the life we have now. A fair amount of material goods, a lot of stress, a ton of travel for him, a ramped up life style that does not involve a spiritual component, friends who seem largely to reflect the aforementioned values, etc. I just feel strongly that this is not the life I was meant to lead, and now that I have two children and am married, I think it would be selfish to leave, but I cannot reconcile my
"vision" with reality. Thoughts/advice welcome. Sorry for the rant.

[Anonymous]

Oh, gosh, I understand!! Especially at this time of year, with all of the gifts and consumerism and stressful events taking over the schedule!

I often see myself moving to a small New England town with a Main Street, the kids riding bikes in the neighborhood, being involved with the community, being able to walk into the neighbor's houses and enjoy a cup of coffee and a chat! I'd love to just work at a bookstore and live an honest quiet life!!

Lately, we've been making strides. We've hopped off the private school train and try to travel a lot to open up our worldview, we've cancelled cable and now have family reading time, I quit a stressful long hours job to one not as demanding and with less money, of course. We've stayed in a condo, instead of buying a house. None of this would have been possible w/o my husband's support, so I think that's where you should start. Is he really against making any changes? maybe a few small ones will add up?

Oh, I really feel for you! i yearn for a simpler way of life!

[Anonymous]

I know exactly what you mean. It is hard to live a more "simple life" in this urban area. It sounds like you are yearning for community and some spirituality. If you do not have a religious community, you might consider checking out the Washington Ethical Society. It is a humanistic religious community (puts their faith in humanity rather than a God, talks about how to be a better person rather than what to believe). There is a great Sunday School that teaches children: to be kind and fair, to take responsibility in creating a better world, to elicit the best in themselves and others, to develop caring relationships, develop a spiritual philosopy by exploring their own beliefs, and develop social responsibility. My husband (grew up no religion) and I (grew up Catholic) have been members for 8 years and love it. I am not trying to proselytize or anything, but I was kinda in your situation 10 years ago when I was new to this area and feeling "out of place". Here is the web site.

http://www.ethicalsociety.org/

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you to the PPs for their thoughts and not judgement. Believe me I realize on the surface how good I have it. I think this yearning is similar or is in fact spiritual yearning. I cannot believe the PP mentioned the ethical society. Years ago, when I first came to DC, I was interested in this group, but too shy to join. I think this is really cool that you mentioned it and I will look up the website as soon as I am done writing. I have also considered the Friends. I was raised a Congregationalist. My husband is Catholic. He is a Republican I am a Democrat (honestly, not sure how we got together and are still together)! He is a good man, together, we have drifted from our ideals I think. I have always been the more introspective and/or spiritual. He has little time for either, which makes me sad and makes us often on a different wave length. I am the type of gal who wants a heartfelt card or other expression for a holiday, he buys me expensive jewlery. I don't mean to sound superior, just that we are different people in different places, and not sure I want a marriage or a whole life like this. . . that's at the crux of my anxiety, that I feel so strongly about how to live my life, that I am not sure my partnership is the right one, as much as I love him. Anyway, enough for tonight. Again thanks for the PPs thoughts and ideas. Appreciated more than you know.

[Anonymous]

You are definitely not alone. I get LL Bean catalogs and want to be one of those moms in their ugly by comfy clothes, lounging in front of the fire. Instead, I sit on my couch laptop in hand, taking DC Urban Mom breaks from catching up on work on the weekend. Sigh. I came from a simpler life, with one parent home when I got home from school and the other home by 4:30, in time to coach my brother's soccer team. We had friends in our neighborhood, and were allowed from a very young age to walk to their houses on the next street or two away (which generally meant jumping the back fences of neighbors' houses). In my current neighborhood, my kids MAY have that; that's a benefit from living a little farther out from the city. But the whole work-life balance is still out of whack. Maybe some day...!

[Anonymous]

hi OP, I fully understand...we have actually made the decision to leave and move to a smaller sized mid-west town...I have wanted to leave for some time now-I want my kids to live in a neighborhood full of kids, big backyards, quiet, not as competitive...my husband for the first time EVER will have virtually no travel responsibility and will be home for dinner..we never have an opportunity to eat as a family during the week here...while I love DC I just don't feel great about raising our kids here. It's a little lonely. Anyway, good luck.

[Anonymous]

I understand, but in a different way than the other PPs. What I immediately heard from the OP's first post is that she and her husband have different views of how to live their lives. And then I saw her second post and I see that what I first thought was true.

I think it's not your lifestyle but your husband that is concerning you. It sounds like your differences were interesting at first, but are now getting harder to live with.

I suggest you guys have a heart-to-heart and decide what you can compromise on. It may even mean marriage counseling, if you think that would be helpful. I think if your husband and you could get closer to making each other happy, everything else would fall into place. It's only a suggestion... only you know for sure if this would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

I hear everyone about the work-life balance part -- I left a high-stress law firm for a low-stress but interesting law-related job where my work week is 40 hours and often less than that. The downside, of course, is that I'm making a fraction of what first-year associates make at a law firm. But honestly, I wouldn't trade any of it -- I'm lucky enough to have a DH who makes a decent enough salary that I don't need a law firm salary to put food on the table or a roof over our heads.

Call me naive, but I'm at the point where I think that all people really need is food, shelter, and loved ones. IMO, anything beyond that is gravy, and in fact, can be somewhat dangerous because you can get caught with the so-called "golden handcuffs" -- you get used to living a certain lifestyle and it's very difficult to then "downgrade" to something simpler.

All of that is to say that I see where OP and others are coming from. I often dream of a small New England town, too -- life inside the beltway is skewed, and I'm not sure I want to raise my children here where there's an immense amount of pressure to succeed at all costs. IMHO, life's too short to try to keep up with the Joneses (or the Clintons, or the Kennedys, or insert your favorite high-powered DC-type family).

[Anonymous]

i totally feel you OP and others on the major challenges of living a simple, spiritual life in the DC rat race-it is NOT easy! my advice first off is to take a few months and focus on YOU, not your husband, and fill your own emotional and spiritual tank back up, seek a spiritual community, practice or readings (i've been attending unitarian churches for 13 years and just now am looking for a more God-focused yet liberal faith community), eat healthy, exercise, purge the house-pack up all the old toys, clothes and stuff lying around and give it to charity, dont overbook your social calendar, seek more organic opps for you and the kids at the library, playground, etc, the more you create the life you want for yourself and kids, hubby will either catch on or feel a tad left out, maybe it will motivate him..the other opportunity you have now that it's new years eve is to simply have a date with him and say, "lets talk about our dreams as a family...what do you want our life too look like in 5, 10 years, where will we live, what are our hobbies, what brings us joy..how to we continue to build a strong foundation for ourselves and family should some unforseen challenge occur?" dont attack him, try to join him, try to understand why the $$ is so important to him, is he a traditional "i have to provide for family" type guy, is it his own upbringing, is he a workaholic,,,you may not be able to change him in major ways, and you certainly cant force his own spiritual growth, but you can add some of your values as they relate to how healthy they will be for your kids. sounds like you are going through a lovely growth spurt, an important one, and it's a good time to take stock of what is and isnt working for you and the family, we all should do this as we enter 2008! if you havent already, pick up "eat, pray, love" and read it in the bubble bath each night! happy new year

[Anonymous]

OP, to what extent have you been able to discuss this with your husband? Are you able to share these longings with him? We lived here for years, moved away, had a child, and moved back for work reasons. We're tied here due to work but we've now managed to construct some of the lifestyle you've described as your ideal. (We do miss the spontaneous dinners we had with friends in the years we were away from DC; our friends here are busy busy busy and it's much harder to get together on the spur of the moment). Part of the key in this area, IMO, is the community you live in. There are definitely communities that offer the characteristics you're looking for and where you'd find other families who share your values. But the key seems to be that they are your values, rather than values you and your husband share. You may want to explore some of these issues with a counselor or therapist, because it is very painful and difficult to feel that perhaps your partnership isn't what you want and need it to be. And as a PP said, you can work on your own life in other ways, adding a faith community (I second the Unitarian or WES recommendation), finding friends who share your values, building community ties, and doing other things for your own growth and self-care. And do some great reading, but I honestly find Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) to be so self-absorbed! Try Barbara Kingsolver's "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" for one family's story of making life changes to live more in harmony with their values. Good luck. I really wish you well in your journey.

[Anonymous]

So start living the life you are "meant for." You don't have to throw away this life to make the changes.

Start behaving in accord with your "values" (in quotes, because you don't define them).

Don't try to make new friends, but just be the kind of person you want to be, and hang out where people like that hang out. Friendships will follow.

Stop buying things.

Stop letting catalogues into your house.

[Anonymous]

OP here. . . thank you to the PPs, so many good ideas. I think a good talk with my husband is in order, perhaps a night away where we can really focus and talk about our life together in a loving way, as others have suggested. I feel stronger, since reading these posts, that one can/should make the life they want where their life is (for us it will be here for awhile), and to surround ourselves with friends with similar values. I will take many of the above suggestions to heart in this New Year. Thank you again for your kindness. Would love other book recommendations from folks who have been/are on a similar journey. ( I like Elizabeth Gilbert and Love Barbara Kingslover, per previous posters). Happy New Year to all.

[Anonymous]

I highly recommend Martha Beck's book, "Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Lead." I know the title sounds a little cheesy/self-helpy, but found it to be very useful (encouraging, though-provoking, practical) when I was pondering some transitions of my own a few years back.

Happy New Year and good luck to you!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. . . thank you to the PPs, so many good ideas. Would love other book recommendations from folks who have been/are on a similar journey. ( I like Elizabeth Gilbert and Love Barbara Kingslover, per previous posters). Happy New Year to all.

Hi, OP. 14:49 poster here. I'd love to hear other posters' suggestions of books that have been relevant to them. For me, "Eat, Pray, Love" was interesting in an abstract way but not relevant to my life, since the author was adamant that she didn't want children, etc. and I'm not going to find an older Brazilian lover in Bali anytime soon. What does it say about me that I was most excited by her descriptions of the food in Italy? LOL. You might look at "Simple Abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach (a bit cheesy, of course), and show your husband Sarah Susanka's "The Not-So-Big House." Other suggestions?

[Anonymous]

I used to feel like you OP... and its always a bit of a struggle in this area, but I think I'm making it work.

It may feel overwhelming, and like the only solution is to move to a cottage in the mid-west... but I don't think you need to make such drastic changes to find some peace.

I quit the rat-race just last year. I have two small kids. I moved out of the city and to a lovely neighborhood in the 'burbs. I took a 50% pay cut in exchange for a job that I love, with "normal" hours. I drive a minivan. I shop at Old Navy. But I'm HAPPY.

I think sometimes men can really get caught up in the "power is happiness" conundrum. Sometimes having some very thought provoking discussions, asking some tough questions, can help realign your husband's priorities. Does it really take private school and a Georgetown town house for happiness? Not for many of us. But having spent years at some of the big firms in this city, I can tell you that its easy to think so when EVERY PERSON you work with has that...

The thing what has been best for me, is having a support system (my friends, my family) who want the same things. When I start to get hyper about things and lose my perspective, my friends bring me back down to earth. Its a constant struggle for me, because I think we all want to provide our kids with "the best" -- nice vacations, good schools, nice clothes... etc.

I LOVE my neighborhood in the suburbs. We have a nice house, a nice yard, sidewalks, etc. Its right out of "Leave it to Beaver" or something. I love Maryland, but I think Virginia (being more conservative) has a lot more to offer in terms of traditional family friendly neighborhoods. (BTW, I'm a Democrat living in Virginia... so while my political options leave something to be desired, I do love the more conservative mindset in regard to certain things).

anyway... my point is merely that I don't think you need to pack up and sell your belongings and move to another state to find peace. But you may want to revisit your relationships. I have some good friends from my law firm days, but mostly I've drifted apart because so many of them want something so different from what I want. Its hard to keep your sanity when saying "I'm sending Joe Jr. to public school" is met with popped eyes and shrieks of "WHAT???!! You mean you didn't get into St. Albans???" There are good people in DC... you may just have to look harder for them.