Do you have a good relationship with your MIL? Any advice?

[Anonymous]

I had a good relationship with my MIL before I had kids, but ever since I've become a mom (it's been a few years), I just feel awkward and uncomfortable around her. Visits are exhausting and I feel like everyone walks around on eggshells. They have a bit of a passive thing going and we're all so nicey-nice. I know that doesn't sound terrible (and it's not terrible, just not fun) but it seems like we should all feel more comfortable together after all these years. We have a big trip coming up with them and I want to be positive about it and would love to hear about others who have a strong relationship with their MIL and any advice about how I can help mine. TIA!

[Anonymous]

I do have a good relationship with my in-laws and I feel really lucky. I don't have any great advice for you, but thought I'd share this blog post that I enjoyed reading - its on the MIL relationship. You have to read down the page a bit, and ignore the religious references if you find those off-putting.

http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/11/on-weaving-and-repentance-2/

[Anonymous]

I have a similar relationship, only it's always been that way, rather than changing when we had a baby. It would probably seem to the outside observer that things are good, but it always feels to me that things are only good due to constant vigilance on all our parts.

It's been bad before, and I usually think my MIL could very easily drift back into her bad habits. I have no idea what is her trying to do the right thing and what is actually sincere. They always say they are glad to see me, but I quietly think to myself that they would rather I not be there. After all, that's more time holding our son and talking with DH. It's not like MIL devotes much of her conversational energy towards me anyway.

I wish I had an easy relationship with them, but we just don't. But it is not horrible either, and my ILs do pretty much respect our time and boundaries and are flexible, for which I am grateful.

[Anonymous]

I HAVE a terrible relationship with my MIL! She is suffocating and insane!

[Anonymous]

12:40--12:46 here. Thanks for that link. I think the best use of that metaphor for my MIL is that she wants to show off her tablecloth and recommend her tablecloth without ever seeing ours.

[Anonymous]

Op here - thanks so much for that link PP. Really puts things in a new light. I'll try to keep it in mind the next time I see my MIL

[Anonymous]

Similiar to you I had an ok relationship with MIL before kids. A lot of that stemmed from the fact I just let stuff slide off my back, ignored her crazy statements etc. Basically developed a thick skin. Well along came the kids and she started directing her attitude, negative comments toward the grandkids (her first by the way.) My DH won't stand up to her and she says I'm overreacting when I point out what her actions and statements do to the kids. Now that more grandchildren have come alone she plays favorites like there is no tomorrow. I finally just put my foot down and stopped inviting them to visit and stopped attending holiday or vacations with them. Its too stressful, my kids are getting older and now THEY notice the stuff she says and does to them without any insight from me. I just don't see how the relationship is beneficial to anyone. She misses out on getting to know some great kids, the kids miss out on having a wonderful grandmother. When my DH bemoans the fact we don't have family trips or vacations together anymore I point to the years that I attempted it and the results. We did go on one extended trip together before I pulled the plug and honestly the thing that go me thru was following my kids schedule and needs rather than MIL. When my kids need to eat, they need to eat and a fancy sit down dinner every night was not an option. So we did one nice meal out for everyone and after that we did our own thing. Same with activities - if the activities were something that our kids would enjoy and handle then we went but I was not going to take two young, active boys into a glass exhibit! Nope that was just asking for disaster - of course she commented that I couldn't control my kids and if I could then we would have been able to go tot he exhibit. But why when the kids would rather spend the afternoon at the beach. It might sound harsh but it got this way over years where I just did what MIL wanted because it made her happy - total floor mat. My kids and myself were miserable and DH blissfully ignored everything. So I tried compromising - finding an inbetween for everyone - that did not make her happy and just increased her negative critiques of my parenting. Now I just don't bother. Me and my kids are much happier. When we do have to get together - I make sure its short and sweet and I have an out (hotel room, special activities for the kids) so its very limited time together. Its such a shame really.

[Anonymous]

Just because your relationship isn't terrible doesn't mean it can't be improved. So yes, while yours isn't as bad as someone else's, you'd still like it to be better. Nothing wrong with that, IMO.

My MIL is local and is pretty hands off. Always was before we got married and continues to be so. In many ways, she's ideal. I like her (and FIL) a lot and frankly wish we could see them more often.

We had kids 2nd in the family so my DC wasn't the first. For a long time I felt ignored. DH's family is very very reserved, while mine (despite having its own issues) is more outwardly loving. [DH's family is tight and love each other dearly, but you'd NEVER hear them utter such words or even hug. It's how they are.]

Anyway, I was never uncomfortable around my MIL, but I really wanted her and FIL to be more involved in my kid's life (no, didn't want them to buy stuff or give free babysitting -- just a real relationship -- like the kind I had with my grandma growing up and valued so much into my teens and 20s).

It took MULTIPLE and difficult conversations to get better. DH tried first with soft words. Then more deliberate words. There were tears involved on my part at one point when I had specifically said we wanted to be included on family vacations and then a family vacation was scheduled and we weren't even invited. I blew my top on that one and DH manned up and had the "hard conversation" and it seemed to click at last, at least a little. It took a while longer to get to the good place we are at now. So all told, probably a solid 2 years.

In talking about it to any friend or colleague that would listen, a number of suggestions were thrown out. But one of the ones I think was right was that I wasn't her daughter (and I already had a mother) and she didn't want to overstep -- or didn't realize how much I wanted more of a connection b/c she was too busy trying to give me space (and be a good MIL by not intruding).

Mixed blessing right? If she was in my face about all things parenting I would likely be complaining she was too intrusive. And she's very reserved to begin with and doesn't say "boo" about much.

So it took a lot more effort on my and DH's part to encourage and reassure we wanted more. Good luck!

Oh, and I had originally thought things like a "girls outing" or some sort of special one-on-one time with her would help us bond. It didn't. I think it made her uncomfortable instead. But when DC started really interacting with them and obviously enjoyed being with them (didn't care if I was around), DH and I pounced on that and encouraged the "special" time. Now, often when MIL and FIL are visiting, they don't want us around and want private time with the kid. Huge success! And they seem a lot more relaxed, which tells me they've made progress personally too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do have a good relationship with my in-laws and I feel really lucky. I don't have any great advice for you, but thought I'd share this blog post that I enjoyed reading - its on the MIL relationship. You have to read down the page a bit, and ignore the religious references if you find those off-putting.

http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/11/on-weaving-and-repentance-2/

That is a really interesting post. I'm struggling to take something away from it. My problem with my in laws is lack of involvement beyond the occasional card/letter, phone call, or once-per-year visit (when they don't participate in our lives). I wish I could see what kind of weave their family has, but all I can see is the lack of a tablecloth.

[Anonymous]

My MIL was a lactation consultant, and she CONSULTED on me, without really being asked. It was gross. Once I stopped BFing I could tolerate her better because she stopped being on my ass about it.

But, now I find that her attitudes towards things political and religious (yay GOP and jesus, respectively) very grating. I don't want her imparting her religion or her bigotry on to my daughter. I'm not really sure how to handle it either. I know they mean well but they are Wrong. And Ignorant.

I feel like I'm going to have to explain to my daughter when she's old enough to ask that Grandma has a lot of attitudes that we do not and her job is to listen respectfully and not to believe anything she says.

[Anonymous]

I've gotten closer to my MIL by talking about "deeper" issues than the daily and mundane. Her mother's end of life issues, whatever challenges are going on in our lives at the time, etc. My in-laws are old-fashioned midwestern farmers, and I'm an east coast urbanite, so our daily lives are very different. Reaching a bit deeper has given us a connection we would not have had if we limited ourselves to surface issues. To be honest, though, those deeper conversations did not begin until several years in, when her mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Had I realized earlier that we sort of needed something to bond over, I would have looked harder to find what that might be. I can easily hang with her alone now, since we "broke the ice."

[Anonymous]

I feel very lucky to have a wonderful relationship with my MIL. She is a joyous, kind, caring and inspiring woman, and raised a happy, wonderful, loving, and devoted son in my DH. She was a great mother to him, and taught him to be a wonderful person and usband, so I am thankful for that, and her. It helps that she is also very good at giving us space, and not imposing her beliefs on us (though we share most of them, frankly), which is a lovely and probably rare quality on her part. She is also very patient, which is something I admire and try to learn from (her patience is double mine!). She is AMAZINNG with our kids. The absolute trust and adoration they have for her is profound, and so heart-touching to witness. Are there things about her that I don't love? Sure, but they are small, and nit-picky, and I just try to look past them as we all must do w/ our friends' and spouse's shortcomings (and they, hopefully, with ours). We are usually able to truly enjoy each other's company, and enjoy doing things together (we both love to cook, bake, fix up our houses, socialize, etc.) but on the occasions when we spend a lot of time together (i.e. a 4 day weekend or holiday) and the uber-connectedness starts to wear, I remind myself of how lucky I am, and my kids are, that she raised my DH as he did, with his values, kindness, etc., and that she is as gracious and lovely as she is. Can you try to reorient your focus on her good qualities, and the fact that she raised your DH? That always helps me, as it's one of the things I am most grateful for, in my MIL.

[Anonymous]

My MIL (who is a widow) is overall pretty great. My kids are 3 and 5. What was hard for us was how DH would act around her, and her expectations of him. When I was postpartum w/ #1, he whisked her off to the museum and out to lunch while I stayed at home bleeding, engorged, sleep deprived and surrounded by mountains of laundry. When we go visit her, she has a boatload of household chores/handyman work for DH to do, and I'm left to entetain two kids in a home that is not child-proofed in a strange city. I used to get so peeved at the way he would cater to her, that it would drive me nuts and create tension between her and I.

So, I had to set some pretty clear limits w/ DH in terms of his choices, but I also tried to develop a relationship with her based on her status as the mom of the man I love. I always like to ask her about when DH was little, ask her advice about parenting stuff (which I dont' always follow, but I ask). I have also made myself vulnerable to her about one of our kids' health issues, (she's a nurse), by talking about the worries surrounding it. I have made an effort to give her and DH alone time when we visit, because I realized how little actual time together they had spent in the last few years. He'll run her over to Home Depot to get a new faucet for her kitchen and then out to lunch, and I'll take the kids to a park or something. She's elderly, and I know that when she is gone, DH will be so sad. I want to make sure that I did what I could to ensure their relationship stayed solid. I make an effort to help her build her own relationship with her grandkids by having them call her, and just putting drawings from school in an envelope and mail to her. We always write thank you notes to her, because that's the kind of thing she cares about. I send her a card on DH's birthday, to thank her for raising such an awesome dude. I send her a card on her wedding anniversary, even though her husband has been dead for 25 years.

I also joke with her a lot. Tuning in to her sense of humor helped our relationship A LOT. She's kind of a martyr, but is able to laugh about it. We have a running joke about how she won't let me do the dishes, even at Thanksgiving. At first she would laugh politely when I would joke about it, but after ten years, she cracks right back at me. It's pretty silly. She's by nature fairly guarded, so it took awhile to feel this level of intimacy.

As time has gone on, I feel like she has become more and more respectful of my role as her son's wife, and that his obligations to his family meant that he could not be at her beck and call. She sees how I'm raising our kids, and she respects my parenting. I keep her connected to the kids, so that she knows what is going on with them and feels closer to our day-to-day lives.

Is visiting her "fun?" Not sure, sometimes it is pretty stressful, but as our kids age, and they demand less attention and constant supervision, I'm finding the mental/emotional space to invest more in my relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

I guess with any relationship some of them we can choice and some we can't the one with my MIL I didn't choice and she is not an easy person to deal with. She's more spacey and says anything and everything that comes out of her mouth - which can be alarming and annoying. She's also not shy about offering advice or tell me how to live me life which frankly I find to be one of her worse qualities. She also compares her grandchildren to each other and openly in front of them - while they are different this could be done with tactic or not. She does not use tactic. She has the mentality that she's older, can say and do what she pleases and has no reason to listen to our comments or feedback. As a result she is hard to tolerate except in small doses. She is also a lose cannon - things can be going along ok and I wonder why I get frustrated with her and WHAM she really tosses out something hurtful at one of the kids. You pinch yourself to see if you are dreaming 'did she really just say that?'. Yup she said it. No doubt in several more years we'll find out it has to do with something medically but until that point we have had to limit the time and energy we spend on her. Each visit or trip to see her I try a different approach - let her say and do whatever without comments, bringing her to task on the things she says or does, and eventually by the end our kids end up in tears saying they never want to see her again (not to her face but to us behind doors.) There doesn't seem to be a good answer to your question, except to be patient if you can, realize the time with pass and you'll get back to your routine soon. I can't always follow this advice and that's where the bottle of wine helps out a lot!