Help! Tough daycare transition for 16 m.o.

[jb112]

A week and a half ago, at 16 months, my daughter entered daycare for the first time. She cried non-stop from drop-off until pick-up. In fact, her teachers requested that she be picked up early each day--partly to help with the transition, but also because her incessant screaming was so distruptive to the children and teachers. In the 8 days she's been going, she has made very little progress: she cries continuously and refuses to nap (something that probably perpetuates her behavior). She even purposefully hits her head against furniture, tantrum-style. They have managed to get her to eat lunch, which is good.

This transition followed 7 weeks of staying home with me while I was on maternity leave with my new son. She was in a nanny share for 10 months before that. Her first week of daycare also coincided with 4 new teeth coming in and general sleep deprivation as a result. She is also just now starting to show signs of jealousy toward her baby brother, who is now 12 weeks old. DC waitlists being what they are, I hesitate to pull her out and put her with a nanny again. We prefer the daycare arrangement for a number of reasons. Besides, the nanny would be new to her and I'm not sure we'd be solving her separation issues.

It seems obvious that this is just a bad time for her to be making this transition. But if I take her out now, am I just postponing the inevitable?? She'll have to go to school eventually! I'm wondering whether at least the separation anxiety and sibling jealousy will be less potent factors if I wait until after she's 2. Any advice?? Will waiting that long make a transition to daycare even more difficult??
I feel so clueless...

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of archived postings on daycare transition - I've posted to several in the past because I think my son was probably the most painful transition in history. He was younger (around 1yo) and didn't have the same issues as you're facing (sibling/nanny/teething), but if it helps any I will say that even for kids with massive separation anxiety it does get better, eventually. In our case it did take weeks and weeks, and tons of one-on-one time devoted to him by 'floater' staff at the daycare. Based on our experience I'd say keep trying, especially if you generally like the daycare. I know this differs a lot depending on the child, but with our son he is still intense and dramatic, and I'm the transition would not have been easier had we deferred it until 2 or even 3. Talk to the administrators and try to work out a plan for dealing with her anxiety and sadness... among other things, in our son's case they walked him endlessly around the daycare in a stroller when it was naptime to help him to sleep (he had no real nap schedule to speak of at that time.) Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

I'm sure you've already figured this out, but this is the worst possible age to put a child in daycare. I'd wait if possible, you would not be postponing the inevitable. By 2, most toddlers do much better starting a new situation. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

We put our 16 mth old DD in day care for the first time also, and she had been home with me strictly before that. It was tough. Not all day crying but it wasn't easy. What we did to help the transition was to put her in her new 'school' for 3-4 hours a day to start with for a week and then full time the second week. It helped. By the end of our first week there, she was fine. We still have some crying- mostly on Mondays - but she loves her new situation. I know that children at 16 mths don't understand everything you say, but I swear it helped that DH and I talked up her 'school' a LOT and talked about the fun things she would be doing. Also, when we first left her there, we would stay for about 20 minutes or until she felt comfortable enough to get involved with an activity. It's tough, but I think your child will be fine sooner rather than later. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure you've already figured this out, but this is the worst possible age to put a child in daycare. I'd wait if possible, you would not be postponing the inevitable. By 2, most toddlers do much better starting a new situation. Best wishes.

THere are so many wonderful things about daycare, socialization, listening to teachers, lining up, playing outside, etc. I think it's great when there 2 or 3 and they can grow up in that setting. That being said I think 16 months is to young. I think a one on one provider is better.

[Anonymous]

The OP is not looking for advice about whether daycare is best for a 16 month old. Why even respond to her when she clearly states they would prefer to use daycare.

OP we started our son at 15 months. He was home with me before then. It was a hard transition that took a couple of weeks. He wasn't crying much at the daycare but instead he saved it all for us and cried when we were at home a lot. his teacher said different kids manage the stress of the change in different ways. There was a baby in his class who cried a lot for the first 2 weeks he was there, now he is happy as a clam. My son is also really happy to go and asks me on the weekend to go to school!

Things we did that helped were lots of hugs and cuddles at home, if possible try shorter periods at daycare while she is adjusting, talk to her lots about school, her new friends and toys, try to bring a lovey or blanket she loves, pack snacks or food that are her favorites, figure out if a short goodbye or a lingering good bye works better for her, try to verbalize that a transition is coming, i.e. Mommy has to leave in 5 minutes or we are going home soon (this helps my son understand a limit is coming despite not knowing what 5 minutes means), bring food for her to snack on on the way home (by son used to meltdown if he was hungry while adjusting). Hope some of these help. I would give it a couple of weeks before you decide it isn't going to work. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP-My son went in DC at 18mos after being home with me. We started out in a daycare center and he was traumatized. I could only take a week of it. We swiched him to a smaller (and WAYYYY less expensive) home daycare and the problem resolved itself and he even napped on the first day. I think some kids do very poorly in the chaos that ensues in a daycare center, its just too much stimulation.

The small, but structured home daycare environment has been amazing for our son. He took to it from day one with very little upset. After a week he was literally running to get inside and see his "friends" as he calls them. I am waiting on baby#2 and will be home again for a year and a half, but will be keeping my son in the daycare after the baby is born, he is just so excited to go each day and talks about going from the second he wakes in the morning.

Maybe your little one just needs a more intimate environment.

[Anonymous]

Not all day care centers are chaotic. My kids are in a day care center, and other than the very beginning and very end of the day, it is most definitely not chaotic. Right now, there are only about 5 kids MAX in the toddler room. When my son was in that room, it was bigger (more kids), but it was very much under control. They sit at their little tables; they do art projects together, they go outside (with only their class) to play, they sit down while the teacher reads books. Basically, they have a lot of fun doing many of the same things they would do at home. There just happen to be other kids there.

I think the first week or two in ANY new setting at that age is going to be tough--I don't care if it is a new nanny, staying with family she doens't know really well, or a big or small day care. Second, as you said, the teething/new sibling issue only makes it harder. But sometimes these timing issues just can't be helped. Just out of curiosity, is the baby going to the center too? I can't decide if that would make it harder or easier for the toddler--but it could have an effect. Like a PP said, I would really talk up school. I would talk very positively about the teachers (use their names). Always sound excited and happy; don't make it sound like you are sad to leave her. If you don't know already, learn the names of her classmates, and ask "Did you do anything fun with Emily today?" Even if she can't answer, she may start to associate the names with fun, and then be happy to see the person the next day. Also, if her nap schedule is different at home than it is at the center, I'd shift your schedule at home so that they are the same. When my DS moved to the toddler room from the infant room, the change in nap time was the hardest part.

Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

The point isn't the daycare center most likely, but rather the timing. 16 mos is the height of separation anxiety for a majority of toddlers (see posts about night wakings, etc) and she has a new sibling to deal with as well. You'd be well served to keep her in a more familiar setting for the next 6 or so months if at all possible. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

OP - I would give it a few more weeks. That is really tough - her age, the teething and a new sibling each by itself could cause issues with a child already in daycare. But I think moving to another situation could make things even worse. What do her teachers say? They are use to dealing with this, and if they think she'll come around then go with their suggestion for now. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Based on observations of toddlers at my dd's daycare, the older ones take at least 3 weeks before they stop crying. By "older ones" I mean any baby older than 9 months. They just need some time to adjust.

[jb112]

OP here.

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. I wish I had posted sooner! Unfortunately, the daycare director had to tell me today that she thinks the best place for my daughter is elsewhere. I think I was encouraged enough by your words to stick it out for at least another week, but her teacher is not so willing. And, honestly, after seeing her teacher today and her attitude toward my daughter, I agree that she is no longer the best person to provide the care. I think there are just too many negative and slightly hostile feelings. It's understandable--I'd probably feel the same way after nearly 2 weeks of immanageable screaming and crying. The center just doesn't have the staff to provide my daughter with the one-on-one care they think is necessary to navigate this transition. I also spoke with our pediatrician who agreed that there are probably too many transitions going on at once and that we might just want to try again later, when my daughter's a little older and a little more open to separation.

Again, thanks for the support! This forum is great!

[Anonymous]

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, so sorry that it didn't work out and on some level it seems like you dodged a bullet so to speak - I'd be really disappointed in the teacher and the center administrators for the way they've handled this. I know how frustrating these transitions can be, but if they are not willing and capable of working with you to help your daughter through it, well good riddance! A big factor in our selection of a daycare (after months of waitlists, we surprisingly had a choice) was the willingness of the director and the head teacher to deal with the separation anxiety issue. One of our other options, which was closer to home and had first-class reviews here, sort of dismissed our concerns and didn't give us any confidence about the way they'd handle a child with intense separation anxiety. The (then) director of the school we chose was exactly the opposite - she was honest, tough (discouraged me from staying too long in his room), but incredibly compassionate and provided exactly the kind of caring environment that we wanted. Hopefully whenever the time comes you can find the right place for your daughter to make the transition. Good luck!