SIL doesn't acknowledge my children

[Anonymous]

When I left my home country my brother was still single. In the 5 years I've been gone a lot has changed... I got married, had 1 child and have another one due at any minute.

He started dating a girl, married her shortly after and now they're TTC. I've met her only once and it was during a trip back home. We spent the day together and besides my brother's biggest efforts she barely showed any interest in my children (or me). We spent the day at my grandma's house and all she did was sit there. Everybody was so excited, talking and laughing but she was just absent.

I'm fairly active on FB as is my brother and SIL. I "like" and comment on their pics all the time and my brother does the same for me but she bluntly ignores any of my moves. She has tons of pics cuddling with her nephews and nieces, she gives them gifts all the times and makes such a big deal of every little milestones and I can't help but feel jealous. She just posted a video of her youngest nephew taking his first steps. It's so beautiful to watch her dedication to those kids, I only wish she treated us the same way

What can I do to get her closer?

[Anonymous]

I assume they are still in your home country?

Can you visit more often or offer to fly them to come visit you? Some people aren't good with long-distant relationships. She also probably is also jealous that you got to move to the US and that fuels the disconnect with you and your child. I do think that possibly Skyping or more visits could help soften the divide.

[Anonymous]

It is different when its your sister or brothers kids vs. Your BIL/SILs kids.

[Anonymous]

I can understand your frustration OP.

They are in another country, right? Try not to worry about it too much. Hopefully you have other family here and they love your kids. This is just one SIL, so don't let her have so much power.

[Anonymous]

You are a virtual stranger to her since it sounds like you have only met her a few times on visits home. Why do you think she will be really invested in your life or your child? It would be nice for you if she had a personality where she threw herself into new situations with abandon and made instant friends, but it sounds from how you describe her interactions with your family back home that she is not like that with anyone.

If your brother is happy and they have a happy life (which is sounds like they do from how she interacts with her family members) and she is not interfering with your relationship with your brother, it really doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP, I think your expectations are way too high. While I think it is nice to be close to a SIL, there's no guarantee it is going to happen. You're much better off accepting this and focusing your energy on people with whom you do have a good relationship than brooding about a fantasy relationship that isn't going to happen.

[Anonymous]

SIL is a bitch, forget her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I left my home country my brother was still single. In the 5 years I've been gone a lot has changed... I got married, had 1 child and have another one due at any minute.

He started dating a girl, married her shortly after and now they're TTC. I've met her only once and it was during a trip back home. We spent the day together and besides my brother's biggest efforts she barely showed any interest in my children (or me). We spent the day at my grandma's house and all she did was sit there. Everybody was so excited, talking and laughing but she was just absent.

I'm fairly active on FB as is my brother and SIL. I "like" and comment on their pics all the time and my brother does the same for me but she bluntly ignores any of my moves. She has tons of pics cuddling with her nephews and nieces, she gives them gifts all the times and makes such a big deal of every little milestones and I can't help but feel jealous. She just posted a video of her youngest nephew taking his first steps. It's so beautiful to watch her dedication to those kids, I only wish she treated us the same way

What can I do to get her closer?

But, it is probably true that you do not treat her the same way that the parents of these kids treat her simply by the fact that you are far away. She could make more of an effort, but her behavior isn't out of line so you really shouldn't say anything about it. Maybe next time you are home, you could make the effort to take her out, just the two of you, so that you can get to know each other a little better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume they are still in your home country?

Can you visit more often or offer to fly them to come visit you? Some people aren't good with long-distant relationships. She also probably is also jealous that you got to move to the US and that fuels the disconnect with you and your child. I do think that possibly Skyping or more visits could help soften the divide.

LOL

[Anonymous]

OP back here. Yup they're living a very happy life and I couldn't be happier for them. After working very hard for so many years my brother landed a wonderful job while ago, they're living in a dream home and they're very excited about this next phase - adding children to the family.

I completely agree with PP who mentioned it's different when it's your brother/sister's kids than SIL/BIL's kids... the problem is that I have no family here int he US at all so it's pretty lonely.

DH doesn't have any siblings so my brother and SIL are the only aunt/uncle our children will have. I often send her gifts and she says thank you through my brother. I just wish we were friends. My mom is such good friends with my dad's sisters I guess I was just hoping to build such a relationship with her.

I'm pretty good at not saying anything to my brother and my mom keeps asking me if I'm talking to her. I tell my mom I'm doing my best but I still feel like it's not enough. They go to my parent's house every other weekend and there's always pictures or a post about the meal they shared or what they did together. My mom loves her and I only wish she were a little more open to us who're far away missing them dearly.

*sigh*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I left my home country my brother was still single. In the 5 years I've been gone a lot has changed... I got married, had 1 child and have another one due at any minute.

He started dating a girl, married her shortly after and now they're TTC. I've met her only once and it was during a trip back home. We spent the day together and besides my brother's biggest efforts she barely showed any interest in my children (or me). We spent the day at my grandma's house and all she did was sit there. Everybody was so excited, talking and laughing but she was just absent.

I'm fairly active on FB as is my brother and SIL. I "like" and comment on their pics all the time and my brother does the same for me but she bluntly ignores any of my moves. She has tons of pics cuddling with her nephews and nieces, she gives them gifts all the times and makes such a big deal of every little milestones and I can't help but feel jealous. She just posted a video of her youngest nephew taking his first steps. It's so beautiful to watch her dedication to those kids, I only wish she treated us the same way

What can I do to get her closer?

But, it is probably true that you do not treat her the same way that the parents of these kids treat her simply by the fact that you are far away. She could make more of an effort, but her behavior isn't out of line so you really shouldn't say anything about it. Maybe next time you are home, you could make the effort to take her out, just the two of you, so that you can get to know each other a little better.

That's such a great idea!!!! Thanks a lot! I'll definitely do that when I get a chance to go back home. And I'll think of something as special to do until such chance doesn't arise.

[Anonymous]

do you skype? because if you don't, i don't know how she could really get to know you - facebook and email are not really great methods to get to know people... your expectations sounds super high, but i do think its kind of you to send frequent presents back...

also, honestly, if she has lots of kids on her side and has close friends or sisters and is also close with her mom, she may not *need* a relationship with you or your kids - like, its extra, but not necessary \b/c she's pretty fulfilled by everyone else - ad maybe its just too hard to make the effort with you when you're so far away anyways.

[Anonymous]

Another thought is how is her relationship with other members of your family? If it is distant or strained, she probably will not be very interested in developing a close relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:do you skype? because if you don't, i don't know how she could really get to know you - facebook and email are not really great methods to get to know people... your expectations sounds super high, but i do think its kind of you to send frequent presents back...

also, honestly, if she has lots of kids on her side and has close friends or sisters and is also close with her mom, she may not *need* a relationship with you or your kids - like, its extra, but not necessary \b/c she's pretty fulfilled by everyone else - ad maybe its just too hard to make the effort with you when you're so far away anyways.

I agree. It also sounds like you two have different expectations of what your relationship should be. You sound like you're looking for a close, sisterly relationship. She's not. There's nothing wrong with that, you just have different expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thought is how is her relationship with other members of your family? If it is distant or strained, she probably will not be very interested in developing a close relationship.

Quite the opposite. She's always tagging my mom on her posts and vice-versa exchanging recipes, pictures, etc. She's a nice girl and my brother treats her well. I need ideas to grow closer to her without being pushy.