Boyfriend and pre-adolescent daughter: what is appropriate?

[Anonymous]

we've been dating about a year and getting serious. My daughter took an instant liking to him, and he enjoys doing stuff together "as a family". I have ABSOLUTELY no reason to suspect him of having a sexual interest in her. But she is all over him (very physically affectionate), probably because she misses spending time with her own father, and he hates telling her no when she wants a hug, or a piggy back ride, etc. It doesn't help that his main experience with children comes from his godsons -- games that work great with a 3-year-old boy aren't as appropriate with a 10-year-old girl. How do I set boundaries without making him feel like a suspected pedophile, and more importantly without making her feel rejected and unloved because he won't roughhouse with her any more? How do you even define what is appropriate and what isn't?

P.S. If you believe that mothers with young daughters should not be dating, or that all men are perverts, please keep it to yourself. Joining a monastery until my daughter is at least 21 sounds pretty good right now, believe me.

[Anonymous]

Op if he were her bio dad would you have the same thoughts?

[Anonymous]

At some point you're going to have to help her understand appropriate male relationships. Her need for male affection is probably coming from the lack of time with a father figure - but if you don't help her understand appropriate connections she might lose sight of herself a few years down the road. It sounds like now might be a good time to help frame those.

I would say - hugs are okay, sitting together on couch is okay. Back rubs, tickling that involves laying down, piggy back rides (unless for some exhaustion / traveling reason) are probably good to start outlawing. Ask him to help you teach her how to show and express love without always being physical.

You could help her bake his favorite cookies, or buy a funny tshirt he could wear, or even make him a friendship bracelet he could wear from her - that way she can SEE his love "on display" from him. Those would all be healthy expressions and help her show non-touching/feeling ways of connecting with a male.

[Anonymous]

14:57, I probably wouldn't, although I can imagine how some people still might.

[Anonymous]

15:08, thank you for such a thoughtful response.

[Anonymous]

Victim of child sexual abuse here -- and trust me, this ain't it.

I would go at it from a "you're growing up" point of view. My niece is 10 and she and I used to have a real physical/ roughhouse type relationship (I'm a woman) but now she's simply too big for it. Having her in my lap is like being buried under three loads of laundry. Hot and not fun.

So correct her (gently) based on her age, not the gender or relationship of her playmate. And of course don't be sitting in BF's lap yourself -- that screams "I can but you can't."

I also agree with PPs suggestions for alternatives to help her feel like she has a place in this relationship. And there's nothing wrong with handholding.

[Anonymous]

I think that it makes sense to try to replace the wrestling type roughhousing with alternate physical play like sports.

I have a recollection, although I can't cite it, that there are studies that girls that play sports with their fathers have healthier adult relationships, and your boyfriend is filling the father role here.

I know that my father and I would shoot hoops in the driveway including lots of boxing out, etc. It's a physical connection with more boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the you're growing up POV.

[Anonymous]

Also a single mom...your need to speak with your boyfriend and help him to help himself to set boundaries.