Private or public school for ADHD child?

[Anonymous]

I have been going back and forth about whether a public or private school woud be best for my daughter. She is 8 years old and is in a private catholic school. I love the teachers there, they really care about the kids, they gently remind her when she gets off task and help her in any way they can. Also, the academics are very good, she is always being challenged and is very bright though takes longer than classmates to do some assignments. But the issue that I see is that many of the girls are mean and there are at least 4 bully-type girls between the two 2nd grade classes. My concern is that my sweet bubbly outgoing girl has become more and more shy and gets teased a lot. The school is helpful, will talk to the children and intercede as much as possible but these kids don't always stop and as the teacher told us, "if the kids in her class stay overnight for bootcamp and not go home they would be different children." The point is that many of these parents do not face up to and put a stop to their children's behavior. I wonder what will happen in terms of friendships since it is the same girls every year. This year, she has not been invited to any birthday parties, though she is truly a nice, pretty and wonderful girl (and I know I am biased). We have been to 2 other schools due to husband work transfer and she has always had a nice group of friends. She says she tries hard to become friends with many of the other girls in the class but a lot of them are swayed by the bullies and mean ones. I am trying to arm her with lots of self-defense skills, etc. But I wonder if things would be better in public school or worse? Any experiences you could share of elementary school private vs. public would be greatly appreciated!!

[Anonymous]

Sorry your daughter is having a hard time. Honestly, "mean girls" are everywhere. We have doNe public and private and there hasn't been a difference. In public, the school deals with it by having the school counseLor have a meeting with the kids. Then the mean girls get mad bc they got "in trouble." Also, the school counselors typically don't call the parents of kids who are bullying. Therefore, parents have no idea how their kids are really behaving. We are at a private with few girls in the grade. All it takes is one mean girl to ruin another girl's experience. But the reality is that kids have to learn how to deal with all kinds of people in order to survive in life. It's just a bit painful when you are paying tuition for them to get this life lesson.

[Anonymous]

Girl world is very complex. I don't think this is a public v. private question.

[Anonymous]

Agree that mean girls are everywhere. That being said in a smaller school they can have more of an impact on the overall dynamics of the class, whereas in a larger class there is more likely to be a group of compatible girls. If it doesn't look like the dynamics of the class are going to change (does the school get bigger at a certain point?) then I might look at moving. Wether it is public or private depends on where your ADHD child can thrive.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in Catholic school and I would advise you to leave and go on to public at this point. The situation you describe will not get better and will likely get worse as the years go by. It's the same group of kids year after year and a kid can get "type cast" into a particular role and they can never over come that while there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry your daughter is having a hard time. Honestly, "mean girls" are everywhere. We have doNe public and private and there hasn't been a difference. In public, the school deals with it by having the school counseLor have a meeting with the kids. Then the mean girls get mad bc they got "in trouble." Also, the school counselors typically don't call the parents of kids who are bullying. Therefore, parents have no idea how their kids are really behaving. We are at a private with few girls in the grade. All it takes is one mean girl to ruin another girl's experience. But the reality is that kids have to learn how to deal with all kinds of people in order to survive in life. It's just a bit painful when you are paying tuition for them to get this life lesson.

In Catholic schools it is different because its the same kids every year, year to year, for 8 years. There are very few students who enter or leave. This is not true for public school. I feel really bad for your kid if you believe that in such a small, insular environment that your child will be able to learn to deal with it. How do you expect that to happen? They are literally stuck with no chance of branching out or walking away. Worse, there is no role model for them of how to "deal with it". They don't see any examples of anyone dealing with it because in such a small group only one or two kids become the target of meanness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry your daughter is having a hard time. Honestly, "mean girls" are everywhere. We have doNe public and private and there hasn't been a difference. In public, the school deals with it by having the school counseLor have a meeting with the kids. Then the mean girls get mad bc they got "in trouble." Also, the school counselors typically don't call the parents of kids who are bullying. Therefore, parents have no idea how their kids are really behaving. We are at a private with few girls in the grade. All it takes is one mean girl to ruin another girl's experience. But the reality is that kids have to learn how to deal with all kinds of people in order to survive in life. It's just a bit painful when you are paying tuition for them to get this life lesson.

In Catholic schools it is different because its the same kids every year, year to year, for 8 years. There are very few students who enter or leave. This is not true for public school. I feel really bad for your kid if you believe that in such a small, insular environment that your child will be able to learn to deal with it. How do you expect that to happen? They are literally stuck with no chance of branching out or walking away. Worse, there is no role model for them of how to "deal with it". They don't see any examples of anyone dealing with it because in such a small group only one or two kids become the target of meanness.

I am 11:58. My dd is not in a Catholic school. I will defer to the pp's who have more knowledge of the social dynamics at Catholic schools. My dd is fortunate to have a nice group of friends and tries to stay out of the way of the girls who aren't nice. I wish the OP good luck. As another pp said, the girl issues are very difficult regardless of the setting.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you simply have to move your child regardless of private or public. My sister moved her daughter out of a public elementary school into another public elementary school and her daughter is so much happier. For whatever complicated set of facts, the mean girls were ruining elementary school for my niece and a change of location has made all the difference.

If you are not ready to leave, however, studies show that there are specific methods of effectively reducing bullying and teaching resilience. addressing bullying takes - education by teachers, engagement by parents, and absolute buy-in by the administration to teach the issue. It can be as simple as having a "no exclusion rule" as in no child is allowed to tell another they can't play with them at recess, .... Simple little rules consistently applied to engender inclusion make a world of difference.

So, perhaps do some deep research on anti-bullying strategies that are backed up by peer reviewed studies and have a conversation with the administration about their curriculm and the specific strategies you might like them to employ in the classroom. Sometimes adults have fairly out of date notions of bullying and really do not realize that there are some great specific strategies out thier that promote an inclusive culture. Good luck.