What to do about dying ex?

[Anonymous]

I just received news that my ex-boyfriend (from days of yore - high school, college, and even some post-college - on & off again) was in a horrible accident and may not recover. I have no idea what to do with this information. We were from a very small town (he's still there) and it was well known that we had a pretty serious relationship. I broke it off to go to college across the country but the feelings were there for a long time. I finally broke it off for good, married DH, and made peace with those feelings (first love, etc...). He never appeared to come to terms with us not being together. He never married, never had children, and still spoke of me in certain circles. Now this. I almost feel like I'm expected to do something or say something to him? for him? Obviously, I will do nothing to make DH uncomfortable -- which rules out pretty much everything, since he knows of our past. Besides saying my prayers, I don't know what, if anything I should do next. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

What does your DH think? You need to talk to DH and then you need to decide what you want to do, either before ex passes away or after to pay respects to his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH think? You need to talk to DH and then you need to decide what you want to do, either before ex passes away or after to pay respects to his family.

DH doesn't get a say in this, don't be ridiculous.

OP, this person is clearly an important part of your history and you should honor him. I assume you were once close to his family? If so, send your condolences. I don't know that you need closure with the ex per se -- that's his issue, not yours. But I wouldn't ignore this.

[Anonymous]

I haven't told DH yet because I just found out this morning. Needless to say, neither DH nor the ex were too fond of each other. They only met a couple of times. Obviously, I know I can't run home (nor do I necessarily want to) to what will likely be a funeral. My parents are out of the country, so I can't even send one of them in my stead. I just feel like our relationship was a significant part of both of our lives and, because he never ended up married with a family of his own, that I owe him something at this point. I know that's irrational but I keep thinking people want me to do something. I heard from two different friends first thing this morning (after it happened)-- "we knew you'd want to know." and "we'll let you know when we hear more." Again, not sure how to process it.

[Anonymous]

Is he alert enough for a phone call? If so, I'd call him. If not, I'd write his parents.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP but I have to mention something that I think is worth noting. As someone who remained single till my mid 30s please don't assume since he is unmarried and childless that he never got over you or that he doesn't have other close people currently in his life. He doesn't need to make similar life commitments as yourself in order to be over the relationship.

[Anonymous]

I see this two ways:

1. You contact him/his family and it makes you seem like a caring person whose ex is in a horrible and sad situation.
2. You contact him/his family and it makes you seem regretful at ending things/that you still carry romantic feelings even though you married someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't told DH yet because I just found out this morning. Needless to say, neither DH nor the ex were too fond of each other. They only met a couple of times. Obviously, I know I can't run home (nor do I necessarily want to) to what will likely be a funeral. My parents are out of the country, so I can't even send one of them in my stead. I just feel like our relationship was a significant part of both of our lives and, because he never ended up married with a family of his own, that I owe him something at this point. I know that's irrational but I keep thinking people want me to do something. I heard from two different friends first thing this morning (after it happened)-- "we knew you'd want to know." and "we'll let you know when we hear more." Again, not sure how to process it.

Pardon me for saying so, but this is somewhat big-headed. You have no idea if he was single because he never got over you...it could just be he preferred that. You do not owe him anything-the relationship is long over, and you have (you say) moved on with your life. You should do what makes you comfortable, so if you want to go to the funeral, you should go (I would in your place). But don't go because you feel like it's expected of you, or because you owe it to him. He's going to be past caring at that point anyway.

If you were close to his parents, I'd write them and express your sympathies. Then go to the funeral if you want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP but I have to mention something that I think is worth noting. As someone who remained single till my mid 30s please don't assume since he is unmarried and childless that he never got over you or that he doesn't have other close people currently in his life. He doesn't need to make similar life commitments as yourself in order to be over the relationship.

Agree with this. Honestly, I would feel uncomfortable if my spouse reached out to an ex under these circumstances. Since you are not the significant other any longer, I would not do anything. If he passes, maybe you could send flowers.

[Anonymous]

He was a big part of your life. I think it would be appropriate to make the same gesture you would make for anyone else you were close to for that many years - female or male. So send a card or flowers or whatever you would normally do and don't assume he is going to take it the wrong way. (and even if he did, who cares? if he dies, it's not like he's going to haunt you.)

[Anonymous]

9:36 here. I just want to add that if DH had an ex like this, I would urge him to do what he felt comfortable with, even if that meant he would go to the funeral. This person was a major part in shaping your life. I am secure enough in my marriage that I know DH would be going to honor that part of his life, not because he regrets being married to me. Hopefully your DH would feel the same about this situation. Only *you* can know what you are feeling. If you are realizing that you have unresolved feelings buried deeply after all this time, then that is something you need to address. But I don't see any harm in remembering this man as a boy you once (past tense) loved, and who helped put you on a path to the wife and mother you now are.

[Anonymous]

It's OP. I definitely fall into category 1. I'm over him romantically. We'll always have the crazy and fun times we shared, but there was no way we could have ever shared a life together. I knew that from the start and, although I got sucked back in many times, I always knew I wouldn't settle down with him. For the PP that mentioned his being unmarried doesn't mean he's not over me: you're right. I hear from friends (and him, occasionally - through FB) that he's seeing other people but it never works out. When I visited last year, he brought gifts to my kids and enjoyed seeing them. It was very sweet and a little sad. But, you're right. I'm sure he was happy -- at least I hope he was.

[Anonymous]

I think going to the funeral would be a good idea. I'm sure you will re-connect with his family and friends and be able to share many fond memories of him. Personally, I wouldn't be too worried about my DH, its a little late to get back together with your ex at the funeral and all.

[Anonymous]

I'm from a small town and I'd be getting my butt back there if this happened to my high school sweetheart. If he was such a significant part of your life you should go.

[Anonymous]

I think it is odd that you husband would act so childish in this situation or maybe you need to give your husband more credit. Doing nothing is not acceptable, at least to me. You loved this person and he is a big part of your history... call him or his family, send a nice note. I am confused why you are surprised that you were kept in the loop... You know him, have seen him since being married and even introduced your children to him. He is obviously important to you or you wouldn't be talking about him. You will regret it if you do nothing.