S/O entitled kids--at what age do you start with instilling ethics/humility etc in your kids

[Anonymous]

Let me just say that raising an entitled kid is my idea of a nightmare.

I know the default answer is you can never start to young, but I have an 18 month old. She cannot entirely express herself, and I don't think she'd get concepts of "work" (e.g. earning your money), materialism etc. We say no to her of course, and emphasize sharing (she is actually really good at that) and kindness. But, when it comes to getting her books (library and the store), I shower her with books. Family buys her toys, but I stashed some Xmas gifts away for a rainy day).

What else? When did you start your kid on the concepts like:
- earning money so that they could buy something (delayed gratification)
- community service (DH and I don't have time to do this so we donate, but I plan to bring her along once she is old enough)
- that material goods don't bring you happiness, ultimately?

I would think 4-5 would be the right age when you could start on some of these, but I am curious as to what work for parents of older kids.

[Anonymous]

You model them yourself, from the beginning. You don't cut ahead of others, you don't lie, you don't act like other people are unimportant. You show empathy. You explain what you think other people must be feeling -- "she's upset because....we should help her because...it's important to be patient because..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me just say that raising an entitled kid is my idea of a nightmare.

I know the default answer is you can never start to young, but I have an 18 month old. She cannot entirely express herself, and I don't think she'd get concepts of "work" (e.g. earning your money), materialism etc. We say no to her of course, and emphasize sharing (she is actually really good at that) and kindness. But, when it comes to getting her books (library and the store), I shower her with books. Family buys her toys, but I stashed some Xmas gifts away for a rainy day).

What else? When did you start your kid on the concepts like:
- earning money so that they could buy something (delayed gratification)
- community service (DH and I don't have time to do this so we donate, but I plan to bring her along once she is old enough)
- that material goods don't bring you happiness, ultimately?

I would think 4-5 would be the right age when you could start on some of these, but I am curious as to what work for parents of older kids.

You can start with small things even as young as 2. Such as encouraging sharing, discouraging bad behaviors, picking up after themselves, feeding themselves, etc. This is probably common sense, but encouraging being friendly with other people, treating them to be nice, knowing your neighbors, etc. If you start doing these things at 2 by 3 they will know a great deal already about how to care for themselves and others. Then you can add age appropriate rewards for cleaning, picking up toys, brushing teeth, etc (stickers to pocket money).

As I got older I would have set chores for allowance and would do odds and ends for more money. By 9 I had a bank account with my Mom where I could deposit my earnings and use checks. As a teenager I had a debit card (which I rarely used) and a credit card from my parents (in case of emergency and nothing else). In college I got my first credit card, used it sparingly by remembering lessons from my business teacher in high school; never charge more than you can pay off every month. I might introduce credit cards earlier to my kids just so it is used wisely before entering college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You model them yourself, from the beginning. You don't cut ahead of others, you don't lie, you don't act like other people are unimportant. You show empathy. You explain what you think other people must be feeling -- "she's upset because....we should help her because...it's important to be patient because..."

Isn't it easier to just send them to Catholic school and hope for the best? Really, I don't think DCUMers want to change their own selfish behavior, they just want to know how to make sure no one calls their kid entitled.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the best thing you can do is not to buy things everytime your child sees something. It sounds like you are doing a great job now, but it can get more difficult. So keep it up. The book thing - you can target used book sales and stress that you are buying things used.

We started around age 3 to explain that (1) he may want every toy he sees, but he doesn't need it (2) that he is lucky to have what he does have, even if his friend has more and (3) if we bought everything we think we want, we wouldn't have money for food.

I also talk about how we give our stuff to friends or families who may need them (clothes, old toys). And explain why we give food to food drives. The difficult part is finding the right balance between teaching and scaring. I think at one point I overdid it and my son was afraid we wouldn't have money for food.

[Anonymous]

My parents did this with my siblings and me. My dad gave us an allowance- a very small one-- half our age in dollars every two weeks (when he got paid). So at 8 years old, I got $2 / week. I remember saving it in an envelope under the record player and looking through catalogs and envisioning what I would buy.

Chores were expected-- there were no rewards attached.

My parents never gave us money for anything social. If we were going to the movies in high school, that came out of whatever we had saved from babysitting, the paltry allowance, or part-time jobs. I can seriously count on one hand the number of times my mother handed me cash when I was in junior high or high school for something that wasn't to be paid back.

Meanwhile, my dad was a partner in a law firm.

They paid for all of our clothes, but on their terms- if we wanted something my (frugal) mother deemed outlandish, we had to spring for it. They took us on vacations. They let me have their old car when they got a new one when I was 16, but it was expected that I'd help them out and run errands occasionally, etc.

They paid for college.

They also modeled charitable behavior. Both volunteered regularly at various relgious organizations designed to help the poor and the elderly. They were ALWAYS driving older neighbors to doctor's appointments, bringing food and medicine to shut-in neighbors, things like that.

I feel like they taught us that they would pay for all of the "important" things in life that they felt we deserved and that they had worked hard for-- food, clothing, shelter, education. When it came to frivolity, we *knew* that they could have given us money for anything, but they just weren't going to do it. They wanted us to value the hard work that went into it, and they wanted us to evaluate how much we really needed / wanted the item, etc. They also knew that none of us had aspirations of being doctors or corporate lawyers or investment bankers. Bro and I are in academia, sis is an engineer.

[Anonymous]

OP, thank you to those who gave helpful and on-point responses. It makes sense to just *be* a good person, especially as babies and toddlers really do mimic everything their parents do. So, there is my duh moment. I do appreciate the specific suggestions and reminders. Fortunately, partly because I am hyper conscious of my fortune in life and because of my upbringing, I try to be courteous and empathetic. Not that we all don't all have our days when we are in a rush. Sigh.

PP 21:10--Thanks for the advice. That's rather funny how literally your child took the thing re food vs. toys, but obviously you got through to him about money. I like your specific suggestion about how to place toys in terms of what matters in the world.

PP 21:55-- Your parents sound wonderful. My parents were similar re helping others. I have worked since I was 10 and I worked my way through college and law school. My parents both grew up in rather privileged scenarios, but they really emphasized that money and social status have nothing to do with class, and everything to do with manners. If I am half the parent either my mother and father were, then my child will be okay.

[Anonymous]

Our mantra is "Oohh, that is nice. You could put it on your list." My kids bdays happen to be midway through the year, so when they ask for something, we say no in the moment, but remind them they can put it on their bday/Christmas list. This past Christmas, we had a long talk with them (ages 3 and 5) about how Santa brings SOME but not ALL of the things on the list. We also enforce that if they break or lose something, it does not automatically get replaced. They get presents on special occasions only, I don't really buy toys any other time. They get new clothes or shoes when they outgrow the old ones.

[Anonymous]

Oh, yeah and I shower them with books too...from the library! Teaches the lessons of borrowing, taking good care of someone else's things, and responsibility of returning on time.

[Anonymous]

While the issues OP raises are important (delayed gratification, saving, community service) are important, it's equally important to instill respect and caring in day to day life. While our kids are important and the center of our world, they are not the center of the world. From a very young age, I tried to teach this - even at 18 months. You don't get to say mean things, even in anger. You talk about your day but ask about everyone else's - and you listen to the response and even ask questions. Never is it ok to demand and you always need to say thank you. You don't interupt others or change the subject during a conversation to,focus attention on you when there is not a natural segue. You take turns at choosing an activity during playtime.

[Anonymous]

Agree with so much of what has been said - especially with the idea of modeling the type of behavior you want to see. Can't tell you how happy it made me when one of my now 2nd's first words was 'thank you'

As for the other items - our 1st is 4, and I'd say about a year ago she started understanding the concept of working for a reward, along th lines of 'we can go to the playground/play a game/etc if you get your chores done', where her chores are getting dressed/make bed/pick up room, etc. though to be honest we aren't as good as we should be about those things. Though it's obvious she doesn't get the idea of saving up for something yet (she has a few computer games where you earn points, and she generally spends them as quickly as she earns them). But I figure she's young yet for that concept.

[Anonymous]

Great thread! If you don't have time to volunteer, there are other ways to teach kids about taking care of those in need. Our church (and I'm sure many other organizations) distributes shoe boxes filled with toiletries, socks and other necessities to the homeless. When I take the kids to Target, they help pick out little shampoos, soaps, etc. for the people who aren't as fortunate. Same with adopting a family around the holidays. The kids helped pick out jackets, toys, books, because every child deserves to have a nice, warm coat and fun toys.

[Anonymous]

This is 21:55-- the only question I have for my parents is how their philosophy on child-rearing has changed so much now that they're grandparents. They spoil my son so much that I'm glad we live 500 miles away!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You model them yourself, from the beginning. You don't cut ahead of others, you don't lie, you don't act like other people are unimportant. You show empathy. You explain what you think other people must be feeling -- "she's upset because....we should help her because...it's important to be patient because..."

Isn't it easier to just send them to Catholic school and hope for the best? Really, I don't think DCUMers want to change their own selfish behavior, they just want to know how to make sure no one calls their kid entitled.

Ha!

My best childhood friend -- a product of Catholic school -- is now a convicted felon and disbarred attorney.