Another stealing question

[Anonymous]

We're experiencing something similar to the money missing thread. My daughter's, 14, Ugg boots (which she bought last year with her babysitting money) went missing about a week ago. We have looked all over the house, which is small and fairly neat, and no bulky boots have been found hiding anywhere. Now a polo shirt (the most expensive gift I got her for Christmas) is also missing.

We are both mystified. She has a friend who comes over after school (friend is same age but goes to a different school) when I'm not usually there. As far as I know the friend is the only one who could have possibly taken them (she takes her backpack into my daughter's room), if indeed they have been stolen. But since these two expensive items are the only things that seem to be missing, I don't know what else could have happened unless DD sold them and hid it, but that doesn't seem likely.

I'm not sure what to do. I don't really know the girl's mother well at all, but the girl has been coming over after school for two years with no incidents that I know of. I've met her plenty of times and have always liked her. DD has asked the friend to help her look for the boots and she says the girl didn't seem anxious or worried.

So I just don't know if there's enough evidence to accuse the girl. At the same time, I'm worried something else will be missing soon. Now what?

[Anonymous]

If the girl stole the boots and/or shirt, she'll try to wear them, right? I would think your DD would notice...

You're sure there's no other possible explanation?

[Anonymous]

The next time she's over, you could check her bag before she leaves (when she's out of the room). You could also call the mother and ask whether she has any idea about the boots. If the girl took them, she's told her mother that your daughter gave them to her. She'd have no other way to explain them.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The girl doesn't come over every day or on the weekends, so I assume she's smart enough to wear these on those days if that's what's going on. I'm hesitant to call her mother because I don't know her well at all, and English isn't her first language, so communcation can be a problem.

I'm not sure there's no other explanation, but I just don't know what else to think. It's not like DD left the boots somewhere when she went out as she'd then be coming home barefoot in January.

[Anonymous]

What does your daughter think happened?

You don't have a lot to go on here to blame the other girl.

[Anonymous]

We had a weird incident like this at DD's new school last year - a friend basically stole her North Face jacket but claimed to have lost it and we could never prove it. It was bizarre as I think the child is relatively affluent, but I guess that is not what drives whether you steal or not. I never accused her- DD knew what happened and felt uncomfortable pushing it.
Not sure what you can do other than tell DD she needs to be careful with her items (could they be in her locker - is there clothes sharing among friends?) Maybe also suggest no friends in room for a bit - just in main parts of house.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what happened to your DD's stuff but I can tell you that I distinctly remember hanging my DD's black lacey skirt in the closet and her fuschia footless tights in her drawer. Yet, we can't find them anywhere and I know DD didn't wear them after I hung them up. She's the only girl we have and no one has visited us since I put them away. I also can't find my black pumps and I wear them regularly to work.

[Anonymous]

At that age I used to lend clothes to my friends all the time (and they to me), even though I knew my mom wouldn't approve of me doing that. If she asked me about it, I'd play dumb. Maybe that's what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The next time she's over, you could check her bag before she leaves (when she's out of the room). You could also call the mother and ask whether she has any idea about the boots. If the girl took them, she's told her mother that your daughter gave them to her. She'd have no other way to explain them.

No one but her own mother has the right to search her bag and I cannot believe you are suggesting that OP be sneaking around doing this. OP, in the future, I would simply say that she must leave her backback downstairs by the door. I would also call her mother and ask if your DD by any chance let her DD "borrow" these items. If she says "yes," or indicates that her DD said she gave them to her, then I would say, "No, she misunderstood. She only let her 'borrow' them for one time and they need to be returned." It may ruin the friendship, who wants to have a friend who steals?

[Anonymous]

OP,

Do you use a cleaning service? Is this girl the only person who comes to your home?

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should accuse the girl because no good will come of it. But, I can tell you this: high school girls steal things from other girls to get revenge. It is not about wanting to wear their stuff. It is about taking something nice from someone who you are mad at or jealous of so that they can't enjoy them.

My daughter wears a very large, slim shoe size, pretty uncommon for most of her peers. Someone stole her rainbows, and then stole a second pair that we bought. They were never seen again and it was not like anyone else was wearing them becuase they would not have fit. Also someone the following year stole a very nice jacket.

I started putting her name on all items with a permanent marker, even uggs and casual tops, not in obvious places but in places where if you looked at the items more than just quickly you would see either her first name or initials. Other girls then would mysteriously not be able to find their things. I think the sneaky stealers just moved on to other targets. There is no way to keep up with this, they will outsmart you.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes kids steal things because they want them, not because they want "revenge".

[Anonymous]

Wait....what? The most expensive present your kid got for the holidays was a freaking POLO shirt? I bet the sold the shirt. So she could go to the movies. By herself.

[Anonymous]

The next time she's over, you could check her bag before she leaves (when she's out of the room).

This is a very bad idea.

[Anonymous]

OP, when I was a teenager, things sometimes went missing in my house...for whatever reason. And my mother used to concoct elaborate scenarios like this, blaming my friends, and once even my teacher. It was embarrassing and mystifying to me. Things sometimes go missing for a few months. They turn up, or they don't. Let it go. Has it occurred to you that you would KILL this friendship for your daughter if you continue this behavior?