If You Have Self-Esteem Issues...

[Anonymous]

I noticed that several of the posts on the "worst things in life" thread reference low self-esteem. If you have self-esteem issues, can you pin-point where they come from? Is this something you've dealt with most of your life or have certain circumstances or childhood traumas caused low self-esteem?

I've never had self-esteem issues but my daughter does and it's very painful for me to see her feel so badly about herself. She's in elementary school and has some specialeducational needs, which may contribute to the issue, but otherwise I can't figure out what would cause her to think so poorly about herself. She's a very cute little girl, smart and articulate, kind, creative, funny, etc. Obviously, I'm her parent so I think the world of her!

I worry on a pretty regular basis about what this low self-esteem will lead to as she grows older...how can I build her up and make her feel good about herself. She does several after school activities but has never found an activity or sport where she excels...not that we think she needs to, but maybe that would make her feel better? Our family is very happy on the whole, fortunate in so many ways but the fact that she feels badly about herself weighs on me...

Thanks for any insights you may have

[Anonymous]

How do you feel about yourself, OP? Many women model low self-esteem for their daughters. Negative self-talk can be unconscious for a lot of women. "I'm so fat," "My hair looks terrible," "I look like crap."

Sometimes it's not important to get to the root of the self-esteem issue. There isn't necessarily a trauma or abuse. Studies show that there's an esteem drop for girls during the school years no matter what the grounding at home.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your response, PP. I feel great about myself, actually! Like most people, there are some things I would change about myself--I tend to be bossy and impatient--but overall I know I'm a good person and I'm really fortunate in my life. So, no negative self-talk from me.

I'd love any citations you have for the studies you refer to. I'd never heard that self-esteem drops with the start of school. She's in third grade so she's been in school for quite a while. We moved in the last 6 months so that may be a factor.

[Anonymous]

OP, read "Surviving Ophelia".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, read "Surviving Ophelia".

Yup, explained my whole girlhood. Best portrait of a girl's life.

[Anonymous]

We moved in the last 6 months so that may be a factor.

This is huge. I moved in 3rd grade and it was the beginning of awkwardness for me. 3rd grade is also around the time when girls start to get really clique-y, and it's hard to break in and read social cues sometimes, especially if she is shy or has special needs.

What is your DH's input with your DD? Does she spend 1:1 time with him? Does he praise her and how? A father's attention is of course very important in building self-esteem.

I would:
Ask her if she wants to invite a few friends over or to a movie or playdate or something. Let her socialize on her own terms, and let her know that it's fun and great if she invites friends over or makes efforts to make friends.
Talk to DH and see what he thinks.
Talk to her teachers, she may be seeing behavior you're not. They also may have resources or ideas for you.

Also, don't let it show that you are somehow disappointed in her. My mom was very popular in high school and I was more intellectual and introverted. I could tell that she was sometimes frustrated that I wasn't more self-confident or outgoing sometimes growing up. DON'T let your daughter feel that YOU feel she has a problem.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you're *too* self confident.

If your daughter doesn't have any experience watching someone deal with self-doubt, she may not know what to do with those feelings. In her world, everyone is always confident and capable, except her.

Have you ever shared with her any time when you felt less than totally awesome?

[Anonymous]

OP, there is some evidence tht it can be partly in born or possibly genetic.
That said, the way that kids develop self esteem is by taking on tasks, working at them, then seeing success.

[Anonymous]

Growing up, I wasn't the best at anything but I was decent at a lot of things. My parents were similar - we are a very well-rounded family - so they kind of played that up when raising us. As an adult, I'm pretty secure in myself because I know that "decent at a lot of stuff" is actually a great way to be, even if our culture sometimes seems like it praises only the best at something. Make sure she knows that it's ok not to be the best at something, and if she likes doing it, that's really all that matters. good luck! my daughter's only 3 so i haven't had to face this yet, thank goodness.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. Lots of good ideas here, some of which I've tried, others I will at your suggestion.

I've definitely shared with my daughter the difficult times I had growing up. I had a particularly bad spell in middle school that I can still recall easily because it was pretty painful. I was careful not to be too graphic, but maybe I whitewashed it too much.

As far as the genetic piece--I will need to look into that more. I have two sisters one of whom deals with the same special needs issues as my daughter and she has always had self-esteem issues. She's a wonderful person in so many ways. So many people adore her--including me!--and yet she only sees the bad in herself.

[Anonymous]

Put her in an activity that is non competitive.
Example:art, woodworking, mosaics, beading,
In my opinion, the best activity is to send her to sleep away camp. Try camp seafarer. I believe they have a starter camp that is a short period of time.