Demanding in laws

[Anonymous]

DH works 80+ hour weeks, and his family demands so much of him on top of that! He is exhausted and stressed out. I can deal, but I feel bad for him and resent the time taken by their needs. I worry about how we will manage once we have kids. Anyone else with this issue?? Any advice??

[Anonymous]

Sounds like DH is a "people pleaser". He probably won't change. Was he like this before marriage?

You are not his #1 priority.

[Anonymous]

Watch out op, you are going to be accused of being a control freak, micro-manager, with jealousy issues. You will probably also be called a doormat.

FWIW, my DH had this problem before we had kids, but after my DD was born my ILs realised that we had a lot on our plate, and they started hiring people to help them out. I would suggest hiring a landscaper or house cleaning service one time and see how they like it. They may be receptive to the idea.

[Anonymous]

DON'T HAVE KIDS until this is resolved. Unless you want to raise those kids alone.

[Anonymous]

"You will probably also be called a doormat."

And a martyr. And a professional victim.

[Anonymous]

In what way are your ILs demanding? Can you provide some examples?

[Anonymous]

If he can't say "NO",then you've a real problem. Talk to him,don't let this fester and lay down the law. If after this his family still comes first, DON'T EVER EXPECT THIS TO CHANGE. Then you can either get out or accept life in a lonely marriage. The path seems clear.

[Anonymous]

If he works 80+ hours a week it may not be that his family has excessive demands - more just that he really doesn't have any time for them. Meaning their demands wouldn't be excessive if he worked reasonable hours.

you are pretty much going to be a single parent anyways if he works 80+ hrs a week and you don't marry someone who works 80+ hours a week and think you are going to be their priority. Obviously their priority is where they put their time and if they work 80+ hours a week then their job is their priority. You and family will get the leftover scraps of time /energy and you will always feel like you are fighting for those bits.

What do you feel are their excessive demands?

[Anonymous]

The better question is, does DH feel that the inlaws are too demanding? If he does, then you need to help him and encourage him to set clear boundaries with his family. If he does not, then you just have to accept him the way he is, but realize that things will only get more stressful for all of you if you add children to the mix. Make sure he realizes that if you (two) choose to have children, that he'll need to reconsider how he balances his life. He will likely need to either set boundaries with his family to limit his commitment to them, or he'll have to cut back on his commitment to his job. You'll need to have an explicit discussion with him to let him know how much support you'll need from him as a father and he'll have to find a way to provide that support. These choices need to be made by him, but you have to open the discussion and be very frank with him or he'll try to dodge the question/issue.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, 18:29. He is a great guy and I feel very loved. We both have tricky family issues and we both know his family is unreasonable. That doesn't mean it's easy to say no to them (they have real problems). I appreciate your explanation of how to discuss boundaries. When we are not in a tense moment, I'll do just that.

[Anonymous]

This is his problem, not yours. Don't stress.

[Anonymous]

80 hour weeks? That's 13 hour workdays 6 days a week, or 16 hour workdays 5 days a week. Yikes! None of that factors in commute time. When do you see each other? There's no way I'd have kids with someone who has that schedule.

[Anonymous]

Does he have a sibling who is good at drawing boundaries and saying no who can help him?

[Anonymous]

Make sure you aren't relied on to "tell him this-and that". Do not be the messenger.

Caller ID is your friend. There is no reason you/or he have to answer the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you aren't relied on to "tell him this-and that". Do not be the messenger.

Caller ID is your friend. There is no reason you/or he have to answer the phone.

+1