Gestational surrogate offer to SIL?

[Anonymous]

After a brief (in hindsight) period of infertility, I finally conceived and delivered 2 little boys. My SIL has been TTC for a lot more years going through surgeries, meds, and failed IVF and DE. Prior to her DE round, I offered to be a gestational surrogate. Wanting to experience pregnancy herself, she chose to do DE. I completely understand that. I also understand wanting to be a mother so bad that it consumes your life. And because I understand that pain, I want to take her's away if I can. I'm still willing to do the surrogacy, but I don't want to come off as insensitive or patronizing. I don't know how someone who has gone through so much for so many years to become pregnant would feel about the idea of surrogacy. I am wondering if there are women here who have considered using a surrogate, and if so, at what point did you come to that decision? Also, do I extend my offer to her again or wait for her to ask? Her failed DE experience is pretty recent and she's still fairly raw from it. And I don't know what her next steps are. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Never been through this, but going thru IF in general. I would honestly love knowing that I had surrogacy as an option. I would wait a month or so if you think she needs it and then go to her and tell her your offer is on the table and that if she needs you you're there and that you won't bother her again with this incase she finds it insensitive but for her to come to you when she's ready if she gets to that stage. And also talk to your brother about it. Maybe she hasn't even brought it to his attention? Together they can help eachother at least weigh this option.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I just read the responses to the "How can I support my sister" thread and I think I've found my answer to my main question. It seems like offering to be a surrogate is offering a solution, which is not advisable. I think I should allow her to come to me when she reaches that point and not force her to consider an alternative she may not be ready for yet. Please let me know if I'm reading the tea leaves correctly. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I just read the responses to the "How can I support my sister" thread and I think I've found my answer to my main question. It seems like offering to be a surrogate is offering a solution, which is not advisable. I think I should allow her to come to me when she reaches that point and not force her to consider an alternative she may not be ready for yet. Please let me know if I'm reading the tea leaves correctly. Thanks!

That sounds right to me.

[Anonymous]

If she tried donor eggs, doesn't that mean she would need a full surrogate, not just gestational?

[Anonymous]

The egg donor and the surrogate are often different women. If they have embryos left from the DE attempt, they could be implanted in a surrogate. It's a modern miracle that a child can have a genetic mother (egg donor), a biological mother (surrogate) and have another woman entirely be his/her mom!

[Anonymous]

I had 8 miscarriages and GS was the next step for me. After about number 4 or 5 my sister offered and we looked into all the legal stuff while we were undergoing treatment with a Reproductive Immunologist (I had already seen two REs). Luckily I'm 12weeks now and we did not need my sister but it made me feel so much better that the offer was there and we had a backup plan. I knew I'd be a mom some way!

It sounds to me like the problem is the uterine environment and DE won't work if the problem is immune related. GS would be the next logical step and you are an absolute angel for offering. It may take some time for her though, I knew that the experimental treatment we did would be the last I would try. Luckily it worked. She is luckily to have an understanding SIL who wants to give her such a wonderful gift.

[Anonymous]

Hey, 17:49. I don't mean to take this thread off-topic, but I have recently seen you on here and have been curious about you. I am another 8 m/c person, though our doc thinks it's old eggs since I'm AMA. Can I ask what made you think it was uterine and which RI you see? Also, which treatment did you pursue?

As for the OP, I do think it would be nice of you to let you SIL know you're an option. She might assume that GS is not something they can do, but knowing a family member is available might give her hope. Don't do it right after an IVF failure, of course, but you can tell her that if she wants this, you'd do it.

[Anonymous]

17:49 here Well once we tried with immune treatments (steroids, IVIG) we were able to get pregnant each and every month we tried. That was a huge clue that my NKs were causing implantation failure. I miscarried twice doing IVIG (and consulting a "known" RI in CA). That's when I consulted with Dr. Braverman in NYC and he put me on Neupogen. He also tested our HLA matching and we didn't have any significant matches, but since IVIG didn't work, Neupogen was really the only thing left. After that it was on to GS but by then I had made peace with it.

Another experimental treatment involves using plasmapheresis, but not many women on the RPL boards have done it yet so I can't say how effective it is. I think a lot of REs turn to egg quality when they don't have answers, but I know Dr. B will tell you straight up whether or not you need to go to donor eggs. Honestly though even with AMA and if say ~50% of your eggs are viable that should amount to at least one healthy baby, out of 8. Dr. B's success rates are in the 70% range despite his challenging group of RPL patients. He's definitely not cheap though.

Who knows maybe this will help the OPs SIL? It's a lot to absorb though and if someone just told me about it I'd probably look a them like they were crazy.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, 17:49. We get pg naturally every time we try and I've carried as long as 10 weeks without interventions, which makes us think it really is the egg. Plus, at my age it's under 20% of eggs that are good -- nowhere near 50%. It really could be bad eggs with us. We're doing PGD next month to try and control for that, but if we get pg with PGD/IVF and I *still* miscarry I think I will do a consult with an RI. Thanks for your insight. I really had thought we'd be stuck going to CA and something about that never worked for me. Appreciate the referral to Dr. Braverman.

Thanks for letting us take over your thread, OP. Apologies.

[Anonymous]

OP-my SIL let me know she would be my surrogate a few months back, I only had one failed Ivf but it felt so nice to know she would do that for me if I ever needed/wanted that. I don't think you need to bring it up again, I would bring it up with my SIL if I decided to go that route. Bringing it up more than once might make her feel as though u think she can't carry a baby, thats how I would feel anyways. Let her continue her journey and come to u if she needs, it was very sweet of u to offer and I'm sure she loves knowing you would do that for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, 17:49. We get pg naturally every time we try and I've carried as long as 10 weeks without interventions, which makes us think it really is the egg. Plus, at my age it's under 20% of eggs that are good -- nowhere near 50%. It really could be bad eggs with us. We're doing PGD next month to try and control for that, but if we get pg with PGD/IVF and I *still* miscarry I think I will do a consult with an RI. Thanks for your insight. I really had thought we'd be stuck going to CA and something about that never worked for me. Appreciate the referral to Dr. Braverman.

Thanks for letting us take over your thread, OP. Apologies.

Count me as another happy patient of Dr. Braverman that would highly encourage exploring this route. I had 4 miscarriages in a row, the most recent at 12 weeks. So the fact that you carried to 10 weeks doesn't mean immune issues aren't at play (doesn't meant they are of course either). For some women with immune issues, it doesn't affect them until even the 2nd trimester. All the local REs told me the same thing...must be egg quality which I agree with PP usually means, "I don't know". Under Dr. Braverman's protocol (I'm also doing Neupogen), I am now 14 weeks pregnant and all is going very well. I am so glad I didn't waste any more time or money following my local doc's advice.

You can write into Dr. Braverman's forum with a brief overview of your history and he will write back whether he thinks its worth testing or not.

And to OP, encourage your sis in law (when she is ready) to explore the field of reproductive immunology, either with Dr. Braverman or one of the others RIs (like Stricker with the Beers Center). Immune issues can also cause a failure to get pregnant, and if this is the cause, there are a lot of treatments available that can really work, you just have to go to the right doctor.

[Anonymous]

OP again - I would love to refer my SIL to Braverman's forum now, especially since they're thinking of what to do next. Appropriate or overstepping?

[Anonymous]

I think appropriate, just say you've heard great things and send a link to info if u can, may be better to just send an email then bring up the convo with her