What exactly is our job as parents/caregivers/nannies? Or: the SAHM vs WM debates are bogus

[Anonymous]

I've been following the recent SAHM vs WM threads (black & white; gray ones) and as others have said, it's always the same! Repetitive, extreme, offensive, even dumb at times.

What flabberglasts me is how SAHMs proclaim that children will be negatively affected because they aren't being cared for their parents; WM proclaim that children of SAHMs will be negatively affected due to lack of stimulation or ambition because mom isn't working. Negatively affected in what way? And will they be negatively affected in any *meaningful* way? How would we know that they were negatively affected anyway?

We really need to hear from some developmental child psychologists - any on this board?

My thoughts are that we should start focusing on what children need to grow into healthy, normal adults. See if those needs are being met - whether by SAHM, SAHD, WM, nanny, grandparents, friends, schoolteachers - if those needs are being met, it's irrelevant who is helping the child meet those needs. I really think this SAHM vs WM debate is moot.

I don't have the answers as to what children need - but here are some ideas that seem useful (beyond food and shelter).

1) Our job as parents/caregivers is to help children develop life skills needed as adults:

from
Beyond Behavior Management: The Six Life Skills Children Need to Thrive in Today's World

By: Jenna Bilmes

* Attachment: "I have a grown-up who cherishes me and keeps me safe."
* Affiliation: "I am a part of the group, not apart from the group."
* Self-regulation: "I can manage my emotions and am in control of my behavior."
* Problem solving: "I can solve problems and resolve conflicts."
* Initiative: "I am growing and changing and learning new things."
* Respect: I have unique gifts and challenges and so do others."

2) Our job as parents/caregivers is to help children develop self-esteem:

What do children need to develop a healthy self-esteem?


* Commitment from adults who care for and believe in them;
* Communication with adults who show interest in what the children are doing, thinking, and feeling;
* Reasonable and consistent boundaries (rules for behavior) that are understandable and developmentally appropriate;
* Appreciation that enhances children's sense of self-worth;
* Coping strategies such as sharing, managing anger, resolving conflict, and dealing with stress to see them through the tough times in life; and
* Positive role modeling from adults who demonstrate positive self-esteem.

Source: ParentLink, 4-H/Youth Development, University of Missouri-Columbia

I am a single parent with a career, and yes, my son has been in the care of nannies, daycare, and we are about to go back to nanny/housekeeper as my son starts half-day kindergarten in the fall. I look at those lists above and I think that collectively, we - myself as the mother (WM, no less), past nannies, my son's daycare teachers, his grandparents, my adult friends who are involved in my son's life - we are doing a pretty good job.

If anyone has other pearls of wisdom vis-a-vis what we are supposed to be achieving as parents and caregivers while raising our kids, I'd love to hear them and see how we measure up.

cheers

[Anonymous]

I don't even bother reading those same ol' classic debates - whether formula vs. BF, Away from home vs. stay at home, vaccines vs. delayed, etc.

To me, it seems that there are too many variables in a child's development (and not only during the first tender months and years of childhood, but even into the teen and high school years) that come into play.

You can't honestly pinpoint and say that I formula fed, delayed vaccines, hired a nanny, and drove a corny minivan and that is why my child is who he is today (or will be in the future). True, those factors may be PART of it, but they certainly aren't THE only reasons. There will be things we can't control as parents that will shape our children (their surroundings, their friendships, their extended family, their imagination, the TV - or lack of, the decisions that they will make, and the list goes on).

And at what point do we say that are children are negatively/postively impacted by our job (and choices!) as parents - when they are 8 mo. old and still wake up in the middle of the night or when they are 18 years old and deciding if college is an option (and if so, which one)?

There are many ways to get from point A to point B during childhood and even in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't even bother reading those same ol' classic debates - whether formula vs. BF, Away from home vs. stay at home, vaccines vs. delayed, etc.

To me, it seems that there are too many variables in a child's development (and not only during the first tender months and years of childhood, but even into the teen and high school years) that come into play.

You can't honestly pinpoint and say that I formula fed, delayed vaccines, hired a nanny, and drove a corny minivan and that is why my child is who he is today (or will be in the future). True, those factors may be PART of it, but they certainly aren't THE only reasons. There will be things we can't control as parents that will shape our children (their surroundings, their friendships, their extended family, their imagination, the TV - or lack of, the decisions that they will make, and the list goes on).

And at what point do we say that are children are negatively/postively impacted by our job (and choices!) as parents - when they are 8 mo. old and still wake up in the middle of the night or when they are 18 years old and deciding if college is an option (and if so, which one)?

There are many ways to get from point A to point B during childhood and even in life.

Right. There are many other influences on development (although most developmental psychologists will say that the first 5-6 years of a child's life are particularly important).

And agree, those debates seem irrelevant when you consider the big picture. As other posters have said - there are plenty of bad SAHMs, plenty of good SAHMs, plenty of bad WMs, and plenty of good WMs - from our own experience or those of people we know. SAHM vs WM? Irrelevant. And as others have also said - it's unfortunate there is this divide. Because the reason we get so wrapped up in these debates is that very few of us are 100% confident of our parenting decisions. Why not focus on how parents can be more supportive of one another? And I agree, what's the endpoint when determining we've ultimately done a good job as parents? Would love to hear from parents of older children.

[Anonymous]

I agree - the debates get old. Sad that I didn't even realize that there were so many *hot* topics and so much negativity between moms until I found this website. I love the website when I can get some valid opinions and benchmarks, but I have also fallen victim to receiving snarky comments in response to a few of my posts that struck a raw nerve with some moms. I never instigate, but there is always someone who wants to jump in and put others down. Sad. I hate that there are people out there who don't accept/ignore my choices and I hate the feeling of "questioning" some of the things I am doing. I've shared some of these debates with my husband, mom, MIL and other friends who don't live in DC and they are also amazed that "we have nothing better to do than put others down" or worry about what others are doing. Like a pp, I usually ignore most of these posts except when I am looking for some entertainment, but they get old quickly. And, if you look closely, no one is convincing anyone that their way is the better way.