comparing twins

[Anonymous]

I have identical twin daughters. One was found eligible for resource services and the other was not. They are only about 2 and 1/2 and they are going to a regular pre-school next Fall. The resource teacher will visit my one daughter there. I figure they will be put in different classrooms, and I know a lot can happen before they start kindergarten, but I do worry about people comparing them. I worry that my daughter with autistic features will eventually feel insecure once she realizes she is being treated differently than her sister.

Anyone have experience with this?

[Anonymous]

If and when she does realize this, it most likely won't be for a few years. At some point down the road, you will need to explain their differences to both of them. I would consult a child therapist about the when and how.

Twin comparisons are inevitable just like sibling comparisons. You may want to give some thought now as to how you'll respond when people will inevitably point out, "She's different than her sister..."

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks. I thought of it as doubly hard because of stereotypes about identical twins. They have very different personalities but look so much alike that even my parents cannot tell them apart. I feel if at least they looked different or were different genders it might be easier- but I see your point that even siblings will go through this, so that puts some balance on things.

[Anonymous]

Not twins..but I have a very GT child and another with processing issues that make school difficult. Lots of life lessons for them both. Your job is just to champion them both and teach respect for all different type of people.

[Anonymous]

My husband is an identical twin and he and his brother both have a lot of autistic markers -- but the brother has more and they're more severe so his adult life is not as typical (he's not self-supporting, doesn't have a life partner, doesn't keep friends, etc).

The point in my posting about a couple of 45-yr olds is that I urge you to talk to that family SN counselor early on -like, now -- and keep on consulting him/her as the girls grow. My ILs really botched their role in raising twins, IMO, and doubly so because BIL is SN (though they didn't bother to explore this condition in the 60s). See, DCUM, "where are all the autistic adults?" thread.

IMO, it's not quite enough for you to not overtly compare the girls, though that's required. You need to figure out a way to silence your relatives, other children, etc. who WILL compare the girls to their face.

My husband and BIL are still carrying around this baggage! X is the musical Quiet One who can't do sports (duh, bc he's probably Aspergers), and Y is So Popular but struggles with piano and is better at ball sports.