Is it unreasonable to expect a teenager to never lie?

[Anonymous]

My 15 yr old DS seems to be lying about quite a few things. I'm at the point where I want to punish him/dish out a consequence for his lying. I've heard from other parents that "all teenagers lie." Am I expecting too much for him to always tell the truth? I have trouble trusting him when I find out he is lying. Unfortunately most of the lies I've caught have been from checking his cell phone.

[Anonymous]

It's unrealistic to think they would never lie, but it's not unreasonable to punish them for lying. There should definitely be consequences when you catch him lying to you. If you know he's been lying to you it's fine for you to check his phone.

[Anonymous]

What is he lying about?

I agree that all teens lie, but if the lies cluster around certain aspects of his life, punishing the lie may not change the behavior.

Have your rules/expectations evolved with his age?

[Anonymous]

All teens do not lie. I didn't. But it's because it was safe to tell the truth. Let me explain. I didn't always get what I wanted. Far from it. But I wasn't ALWAYS told no and when I was, I was given reasons and I knew that there were times when "yes" would be an option. Rules weren't arbitrary. Drugs? NO. Alcohol? NO. Not until I was legal, and then in moderation. Why? Because store owners or restaurant owners could lose their liquor licenses if caught, no matter how "cool" I might think it might be for an evening. So think before I act. That was easy. A movie tonight? Maybe not tonight. Reason X but on Y night it wouldn't be a problem. My parents made it easy for me to be honest with them. And I ALWAYS was. Really. I felt safe telling them the truth. I got punished for things I did wrong. And, as a teen I certainly screwed up, but I knew that lying would burn that trust and once lost it's gone. DD is 15. DS is 14. Same rules apply. One of them lied to us once. Won't tell you which one. Wasn't a huge lie but fallout was horrible because of the lack of trust. Hasn't happened since. Yeah I know, I'll get flamed for being naive, but really, there have been times it would've been easy and it would've taken us forever to figure it out. Independent sources confirm. They don't lie. They're not angels. They just don't feel a need to lie. Just like I didn't. Please don't assume every teen does.

[Anonymous]

I am a teacher and I hear this all the time "Johnny doesnt lie. He just doesnt. I am sure this was all just a misunderstanding..." in conferences. Then I proceed to bust Johnny for lying straight up in front of his parents. Most parents need a reality check. IMO 99% of teenagers will lie at one point or another....what you do in response is what is key. I have a 13 yr old DS and he has certainly lied about things to me but to me what is important is that he knows that I can read him, that I sometimes bide my time before confronting, and that most lies catch up with him because of the first two things. So I believe he lies significantly LESS because of what I just wrote.

[Anonymous]

Like 16:25, I too didn't lie to my parents. I knew that wouldn't fly and I didn't want the consequences that came with losing that trust. My parents gave us lots of freedom but expected us to act responsibly, and with the knowledge that if we couldn't control ourselves or made bad decisions, they would step in and take over. We all acted very responsibly because no one wanted to be micro managed.

However I did omit many things. I told as little as possible when asked and didn't offer info if not asked!

[Anonymous]

not unreasonable to lie, but there should be consequences for lying. Teenagers lie for a whole range of reasons. I recommend getting in touch with the underlying reasons before administering consequences. You may end up gaining valuable perspective that will improve your relationship with your teen.

[Anonymous]

lying by omission is of course still a form of lying. No judgement whatsoever but just saying....most teens DO lie. Parents dont want to believe it but it is still true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All teens do not lie. I didn't. But it's because it was safe to tell the truth. Let me explain. I didn't always get what I wanted. Far from it. But I wasn't ALWAYS told no and when I was, I was given reasons and I knew that there were times when "yes" would be an option. Rules weren't arbitrary. Drugs? NO. Alcohol? NO. Not until I was legal, and then in moderation. Why? Because store owners or restaurant owners could lose their liquor licenses if caught, no matter how "cool" I might think it might be for an evening. So think before I act. That was easy. A movie tonight? Maybe not tonight. Reason X but on Y night it wouldn't be a problem. My parents made it easy for me to be honest with them. And I ALWAYS was. Really. I felt safe telling them the truth. I got punished for things I did wrong. And, as a teen I certainly screwed up, but I knew that lying would burn that trust and once lost it's gone. DD is 15. DS is 14. Same rules apply. One of them lied to us once. Won't tell you which one. Wasn't a huge lie but fallout was horrible because of the lack of trust. Hasn't happened since. Yeah I know, I'll get flamed for being naive, but really, there have been times it would've been easy and it would've taken us forever to figure it out. Independent sources confirm. They don't lie. They're not angels. They just don't feel a need to lie. Just like I didn't. Please don't assume every teen does.

I think there is a lot of good info in the above - but I seriously doubt PP never lied ever.

Read some books on teens and parenting- I think a lot of the lying is normal (but) should not be tolerated. In other words, handle it when you see it, don't permit it, but quietly to yourself understand to some extent some is part of the growing up process of teens separating themselves from parents.

[Anonymous]

I think it is reasonable to expect that your teenager will lie at some point. I don't think that means we don't respond to it.

Almost all toddlers run in the street. That doesn't change the fact that when my toddler ran in the street, I stopped him and initiated a consequence like going inside, having to sit in the stroller, whatever.

Almost all elementary schoolers will experiment with back talk. Doesn't mean that I just stood there and listened to it. I stopped him and let him know it was unacceptable.

So yes, lying is developmental at their age. They're going to try, and it's job as adults to stop them and make it clear how we feel. If your family generally uses punishment as a tool for managing behavior, then this is a time when it's appropriate to use it.

[Anonymous]

I do think that all teenagers lie at one point or another. The first time we caught our oldest in a lie, though, I was very disappointed. However, I had to remind myself that I was not always honest or forthcoming with my parents either. We let our DC's know how disappointed we are in them when they aren't honest and try to instill in them that our trust in them is something that will have to be earned again over time if it is broken.