Getting forced to take side in nasty family drama

[Anonymous]

My DH's sister is having another "rough patch" in her marriage. It seems that her DH, after 15 years of being treated like shit, has made his third attempt at divorcing her. SIL has been able to save her marriage the last two times by using an illness, or the kids. This time BIL seems determined to leave her. My FIL is a whiz at getting people to do what he wants, by guilt and persuasion. He jumps into action and sort of makes the offer you can't refuse sort of thing. He pretty much told BIL that if he leaves SIL that he will lose custody of his kids. I know in this day and age that is hard to do. I don't want to see them divorced, but it isn't really my business. FIL is asking all of us to say BIL is a bad father. He is not. He is a wonderful father, who has practically raised the kids. SIL is just angry and resentful. I don't blame him for wanting to have some happiness in his life. If I have to take sides, it will be BIL's. SIL is a control freak who emotionally abuses everyone in her life. I am sure that if I support BIL in this, I will be ostracized from the family. DH is not going to go against his father. It should be interesting.

[Anonymous]

The question seems to be, will you stand before a judge and say that BIL is a bad father? If you wouldn't then just don't do it. Don't add anything else.

[Anonymous]

Why does your DH have no spine?

[Anonymous]

I should think it would hurt the kids for the family to conspire to lie about their dad, your BIL, and lie about the very nature and essence of his relationship with them. That said, he is mostly leaving the family while you are stuck with them. Dump this in your husband's lap and explain to him that he has to figure out how to resolve the dilemma: you will not lie, and he must want to make sure his family doesn't view you as the enemy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does your DH have no spine?

I was going to say balls, but spine will do. Well, OP?

[Anonymous]

Seems simple to me, don't lie. Also, these schemes never work in real life. Does your FIL think that a judge is just going to take your word the BIL is a bad father without some sort of evidence. Also, unless the kids are babies I think that at the very least a social worker will want to talk to them if the divorce gets resolved in court. Does he plan to training the kids to lie too. Your FIL is a tool and an idiot! You may want to consider getting out of that family.

[Anonymous]

Wow, why do YOU have no spine, OP? How totally fucked up of your husband and his family. I cannot imagine my husband ever becoming someone who was willing to lie in order to separate children from a loving parent, no matter WHO put the pressure on. But if he was, I would be posting about my husband problem, not a "nasty family drama." How do you keep your respect for him? Does he not have self-respect? Or are you exaggerating this? Ugh - bad situation. If all is as you say it is, hope your husband wakes up.

[Anonymous]

Don't lie. If your brother-in-law is a good parent, don't lie.

I'd be sickened by my husband if I were in your position. I couldn't be with a grown man who would hurt a relative and his kids because he (your husband) can't go against daddy.

[Anonymous]

When I read the first 4 or 5 lines I thought "Did she marry into the same family I married into?" I refuse to take sides with their family drama. I usually try to change the subject, but his side of the family cannot have a conversation without bashing someone. Try to talk with them about books, movies, trips or new products at Trader Joe's and it falls on deaf ears. My husband knows I will be a downright bitch if they try to guilt me into playing their game so he keeps out interactions with them short and sweet.

I'm my own person. If I think someone seems to be a good father I would say it and give examples. I don't know what goes on behind closed doors though so I would just state what I have seen and if I am asked about something like abuse I would say that I have not witnessed anything rather than say the person is not an abuser.

[Anonymous]

Does your FIL have a lot of money? I'm guessing this is why everyone is willing to kowtow to him.

[Anonymous]

Can't you and your DH just stay out of it altogether?

[Anonymous]

If it's just drama, I'd stay out of it. If it's conspiring and lying in court, I'd tell FIL that he must be crazy if he thought I would EVER do something like that. I would then tell BIL he had my full support if he needed witnesses. This kind of thing is exactly why my ILs think I'm a humorless B, but honestly it is just beyond my comprehension that any decent person would go along with a scheme like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your FIL have a lot of money? I'm guessing this is why everyone is willing to kowtow to him.

OP here, yes FIL has control of a lot of old money. He is scary. Unfortunately he is also extremely charming that is, until you get to know him. My DH is just trying to stay on his good side.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how from a legal standpoint you'd be involved in this at all. Your FIL is just talking out of his ass.

[Anonymous]

Many years ago, we had a similar family drama, only it involved my brother. When asked, I was honest about my opinion and what I would say if asked. The end result was that they eventually cooled down and worked things out. And by being honest I didn't alienate anyone because my opinion was the honest one. Once cooler heads prevailed, everyone agreed with me. Sorry you're in this position. It was tough.