Daughter married a doctor, he’s pressuring her to pay off his student debt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can just imagine what kind of spoiled princess this woman is that she balks at their household money going to his med school debt (I guess she expects him to quietly pay it off without her noticing) and then cries to her PARENTS about it.

He’s the spoiled one. Why does he even have so much debt (multiple orders of 100k!) and why can’t his parents pay it off? He was too poor to go to med school. Who racks up so much debt and expects his new wife to just make it disappear? At the very least he should commit to working his a$$ off with extra shifts or working on weekends to increase their HHI to the point he can pay the debt off faster. What a freeloader. I would say the same if genders were reversed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can just imagine what kind of spoiled princess this woman is that she balks at their household money going to his med school debt (I guess she expects him to quietly pay it off without her noticing) and then cries to her PARENTS about it.

He’s the spoiled one. Why does he even have so much debt (multiple orders of 100k!) and why can’t his parents pay it off? He was too poor to go to med school. Who racks up so much debt and expects his new wife to just make it disappear? At the very least he should commit to working his a$$ off with extra shifts or working on weekends to increase their HHI to the point he can pay the debt off faster. What a freeloader. I would say the same if genders were reversed.

Can doctors work “overtime” and get extra shifts? Seem like that could lead to mistakes if they get too mentally tired

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My saint husband paid off $60k of grad school debt for me (over time, low interest rate, not lump sum) as I SAH with our children. He knew I had this debt when we married, and also that I wanted to SAH. He was completely supportive of both but I would never have married him without disclosing! We celebrate 20 years of marriage this year and I have not used my grad degree since, although I do now work PT in an unrelated field. He is a high earner and was not phased by this at all. I don't know if his parents knew about my student loans or not, but if they did they never indicated any concern over it. We are all close.

Were you stressed taking out all of that debt for a field you did not really want to work in?
Or was your plan all along to focus on finding a man who would pay it off?

I just can’t imagine approaching life with this mindset.

(I am female …but entirely self-sufficient/independent).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My saint husband paid off $60k of grad school debt for me (over time, low interest rate, not lump sum) as I SAH with our children. He knew I had this debt when we married, and also that I wanted to SAH. He was completely supportive of both but I would never have married him without disclosing! We celebrate 20 years of marriage this year and I have not used my grad degree since, although I do now work PT in an unrelated field. He is a high earner and was not phased by this at all. I don't know if his parents knew about my student loans or not, but if they did they never indicated any concern over it. We are all close.

This is a great example of a loving relationship. OP and her daughter should learn from it.

[Anonymous]

She should keep the debt in his name but, ofc she should put money toward paying it off. This benefits them both. But only in amounts they can afford to pay a little extra each month (while funding other obligations like mortgage, retirement).

This is what we did for my law school loans (my DH went to a military academy and had no debt). However, 30 years ago law school loans were not at high as they are now (and grad school in general). So I'm sympathetic to the anxiety of having to pay off today's debt amounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can just imagine what kind of spoiled princess this woman is that she balks at their household money going to his med school debt (I guess she expects him to quietly pay it off without her noticing) and then cries to her PARENTS about it.

He’s the spoiled one. Why does he even have so much debt (multiple orders of 100k!) and why can’t his parents pay it off? He was too poor to go to med school. Who racks up so much debt and expects his new wife to just make it disappear? At the very least he should commit to working his a$$ off with extra shifts or working on weekends to increase their HHI to the point he can pay the debt off faster. What a freeloader. I would say the same if genders were reversed.

Many careers require grad degrees, and this is even more true in the health care fields (you need doctorate to be a PT now, for example). So only rich people should have those jobs. MANY people rack up debt of a large magnitude to get the long-term earning potential and for having love a field. Also, when you're in your 20s it's hard to understand the long-term impact of such large loans.

So get off your high horse.

[Anonymous]

Has OP explained what pressuring and paying off the debt mean? Because if the husband is saying “ugh I can’t believe you’re not spending every penny you make to pay down my debt” he’s a jerk. But if he’s saying “okay so here is where we are financially; can we talk about our budget so we can aim to be debt free in 10 years” and assuming her income is part of the collective financials that’s basically marriage. If she didn’t want to consider living with and paying down a massive debt then she shouldn’t have married a man with one. It doesn’t matter that he contracted the debt before their marriage or meeting. Unless he lied to her and didn’t tell her about the debt (in which case she should seriously be considering divorce!) so went in with her eyes open.

FWIW, my sister paid off her artist husband’s eye-smarting educational debt. He never worked a high paying job and spent some time staying home with the kids. They’re still happily married 20 years later.

[Anonymous]

When she married him, she married his debt. Whether she likes it or not. And I cannot imagine the replies this would be getting if the situation was reversed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can just imagine what kind of spoiled princess this woman is that she balks at their household money going to his med school debt (I guess she expects him to quietly pay it off without her noticing) and then cries to her PARENTS about it.

He’s the spoiled one. Why does he even have so much debt (multiple orders of 100k!) and why can’t his parents pay it off? He was too poor to go to med school. Who racks up so much debt and expects his new wife to just make it disappear? At the very least he should commit to working his a$$ off with extra shifts or working on weekends to increase their HHI to the point he can pay the debt off faster. What a freeloader. I would say the same if genders were reversed.

Many careers require grad degrees, and this is even more true in the health care fields (you need doctorate to be a PT now, for example). So only rich people should have those jobs. MANY people rack up debt of a large magnitude to get the long-term earning potential and for having love a field. Also, when you're in your 20s it's hard to understand the long-term impact of such large loans.

So get off your high horse.

That’s all fine and it’s common knowledge. Everyone knows grad degrees are expensive and anyone taking on that much debt should have a financial plan for paying it off themselves, not pulling someone into marriage and dumping the debt on that person. Even teenagers are financially wise nowadays and want to avoid debt. What kind of dumb 20 something year old thinks taking on hundreds of thousands in debt with no family help is a good idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can just imagine what kind of spoiled princess this woman is that she balks at their household money going to his med school debt (I guess she expects him to quietly pay it off without her noticing) and then cries to her PARENTS about it.

He’s the spoiled one. Why does he even have so much debt (multiple orders of 100k!) and why can’t his parents pay it off? He was too poor to go to med school. Who racks up so much debt and expects his new wife to just make it disappear? At the very least he should commit to working his a$$ off with extra shifts or working on weekends to increase their HHI to the point he can pay the debt off faster. What a freeloader. I would say the same if genders were reversed.

Many careers require grad degrees, and this is even more true in the health care fields (you need doctorate to be a PT now, for example). So only rich people should have those jobs. MANY people rack up debt of a large magnitude to get the long-term earning potential and for having love a field. Also, when you're in your 20s it's hard to understand the long-term impact of such large loans.

So get off your high horse.

That’s all fine and it’s common knowledge. Everyone knows grad degrees are expensive and anyone taking on that much debt should have a financial plan for paying it off themselves, not pulling someone into marriage and dumping the debt on that person. Even teenagers are financially wise nowadays and want to avoid debt. What kind of dumb 20 something year old thinks taking on hundreds of thousands in debt with no family help is a good idea?

Did the daughter have no choice? Seems like she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When she married him, she married his debt. Whether she likes it or not. And I cannot imagine the replies this would be getting if the situation was reversed.

False. If they get divorced, his premarital debt remains his separate debt. If he dies, his premarital debt remains his separate debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When she married him, she married his debt. Whether she likes it or not. And I cannot imagine the replies this would be getting if the situation was reversed.

False. If they get divorced, his premarital debt remains his separate debt. If he dies, his premarital debt remains his separate debt.

+1. Same as if one of them brought assets to the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage.

This has been posted fifty times. How was this supposed to be discussed before marriage? Not in some advice column, in real life. "Hey babe, I know you're debt free, but just so we're on the same page, once we get married, make sure you keep rising the corporate ladder because I'm going to need you to pay down my $400,000 (or whatever sum it is) loans I racked up before we met." How romantic.

Yes, healthy marriages are the result of people discussing key issues BEFORE marriage and continuing into the marriage. Discussing finances, kids, work life balance, dealing with IL/family are all key parts. Finances are one of THE MAJOR reasons people divorce.

I got married straight out of grad school. We had discussed all of these things prior. We both were on same page to work hard/live frugal life to pay off our student loans (I Had $15K, spouse had $80K) and then continue for another year to save downpayment for a house. We knew that I might want to be a SAHP and planned financially for that.
That is what people who want a healthy marriage do. You don't get married and have kids then discuss for first time if you can SAHP. Well you don't do that if you want a successful marriage.

This. This is exactly what should have happened. I remember having this conversation bc if i had found out he had a ton of credit card debt it would have been a deal breaker. Student debt i could have worked with. I was the one with the student loan, but it wasn't that much.

+1

Credit card debt would be a deal breaker for me unless they can demonstrate they have truly changed their ways. It’s much easier being married to someone who has the same financial philosophy as me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he asking her to pay it all in a lump sum, or to help pay it off over the term of the loan? I agree paying in a lump sum is a big ask and probably not smart, but as a couple they should contribute to the payoff over time, and as his income increases he will contribute a lot.

No, she shouldn’t contribute at all. That’s his own debt. This predates the marriage. That’s not her problem.

I honestly don’t get how this would work.If she makes 100K and he makes 50K and uses 10K of it to pay down his debt.… their household is 140K.

If she makes 100K and he makes 50K, and they each pay 5K, their household brings in 140K.

Unless they each have 100% their own accounts, expenses, spending money, etc. And then divide everything in half with the household expenses, kids and everything going forward. But then, they’re saving for a down payment together and the interest rate on bills like their mortgage depends on their joint household income/debt, so it’s all ends up being the same.

No it’s not the same.
This is how it works.
She makes 100K. He makes 50k.
Household expenses are 100K. They contribute 50% each. She brings 50K, he brings 50K.
He starts using 10K to pay his own debt. His contribution is now only 40K.
She loans him the 10K to cover the shortfall.
Now he owes her 10K.

That’s how it should work.

This is not a marriage…

Yup—do not understand how you can be married and think like that?

What’s mine is ours/what’s his is ousts—-we are a family and it’s a pool of $$ that is completely both of ours. And we jointly decide how to spend it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My saint husband paid off $60k of grad school debt for me (over time, low interest rate, not lump sum) as I SAH with our children. He knew I had this debt when we married, and also that I wanted to SAH. He was completely supportive of both but I would never have married him without disclosing! We celebrate 20 years of marriage this year and I have not used my grad degree since, although I do now work PT in an unrelated field. He is a high earner and was not phased by this at all. I don't know if his parents knew about my student loans or not, but if they did they never indicated any concern over it. We are all close.

Were you stressed taking out all of that debt for a field you did not really want to work in?
Or was your plan all along to focus on finding a man who would pay it off?

I just can’t imagine approaching life with this mindset.

(I am female …but entirely self-sufficient/independent).

DP: I have two BS degrees and an ms. I worked for 6 years and was making 6 figures when had first kid(25 years ago so 6 figures was a high salary). Decided to SAHP and never looked back. Spouse was fully supportive as it allowed them to fully focus on work and advance (c suite for 20 years, ceo for 10+)

Some of us decide to do what is best for our family knowing that we are in a healthy living marriage and will not be penalized for focusing on family.

Happily married 30+ years.