For the SAHMS on the Ivy League/Admissions thread

[Anonymous]

I was so interested that several of posters with one or more Ivy League degrees piped up about being SAHMS, and not feeling guilty (even when people tried to make you feel bad about it).

I'm like you, except totally guilt-ridden. I love being home, taking care of my kids, making dinner for my family, and making sure my household runs smoothly. We are so lucky to be in circumstances that allow me to do this. But I can't really enjoy it, because I feel so guilty about all the education I am "wasting" and letting down everyone who had such high expectations as to what I would achieve professionally. Can I ask if any of you have struggled with this? And how you made peace with it? Do you ever worry about what you will do when the kids leave home? I know we are all different (and probably I should just find a shrink and talk this out) but I'd love to hear how other women in this situation think about it.

[Anonymous]

I was one of the SAHMs who posted on that thread about being proud of what I do. Of course I have to deal with some guilt, mostly from people try to impose the guilt on me, such as my mother and late father who were so angry at me for wasting the education for which they had paid so dearly, the next-door neighbor who never stopped working exceot for short maternity leaves and who has always asked me when I am "going back," and strangers on DCUM who make judgmental comments.

But being a SAHM is the best and most rewarding job I have ever done. I joke that I love my bosses (my two kids), but don't flame me -- I am my own boss and that was just a joke).

As for whether I worry about what I will do later: no, I never did worry because I thought I would do this until the two kids were launched into college and then I would go on to a second career. But life, with the help of the economic recession, has surprised me, and now I am gearing up to reenter the job market for purely financial reasons. I am quite miserable at the prospect, but I have to do what I have to do.

I hope my story of being thrown unwillingly back into paid employment helps you realize how very lucky you are to have the CHOICE to stay home with your children. Don't waste precious time feeling guilty. You don't want to look back when your children are grown and wish you had let yourself enjoy it more. You need to give yourself 100% to your current job as SAHM and the useless feeling of guilt will hold you back.

I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Another SAHM from that thread. I consider myself very fortunate. I had my child when I was 42. Would love to have another but unfortunately not possible at this point. My one and only is 4 so I love being able to SAH and enjoy his childhood. He attends preK and we have the option of early pickup which I use. We have a lot of fun together.

I worked for many years before I had a child and don't miss it at all. But I toy with the idea of returning but who knows? My husband will retire by the time our DC enters high school so I plan to join him in things we enjoy doing together. For now, I plan to volunteer in causes that interest me when he is in school full time.

[Anonymous]

I'm also an Ivy-degreed SAHM. Well, I have continued to work from home, but most of my time is spent doing mom stuff, and now that my kids are teens, stuff just for me (such as plenty of time to read, pursue hobbies, work out, etc.). That's the part I feel guilty about -- not that I didn't "live up to my potential" professionally. I don't think of my education as wasted just because I didn't continue to work full-time and rise to the "top" of my field; my education was valuable because it made me (I hope) a wiser and more well-rounded person -- even my law degree. I would like to think that being at home has made a difference because I have been able to share my interests, passions, and values, including my love of learning, with my children in a way that I couldn't have managed if I had continued to WOHM full-time. Enjoy this time with your children!

[Anonymous]

I am one of the posters from the other thread as well. I've come to believe that, if you are smart, a good colleague and competent, and have degrees from well-regarded schools, you will be able to contribute in a meaningful and intellectually stimulating way, whether as a volunteer, consultant, or regular employee or business owner. From the pool of people I know who have those characteristics, every single one who has wanted to re-engage with outside the home work/activities has been able to find something rewarding within six months. I'm not talking running the school auction (though that is certainly a worthy thing to do), but a friend setting up a foundation raising money for a rare disease her son has, a friend doing half-time legal work for the World Bank, two friends opening their own, now very successful, store, two friends writing books. Despite the economy, there's a lot of opportunity to re-engage if that's what you eventually choose to do.

As for me, I love being at home with the kids. It's a real pleasure, and I think it's a good thing for my husband and kids as well at this point. We have many seasons in our lives. I've had years of working very hard in school, years of working long and unpredictable hours at a job I loved, and a few years working in less demanding roles (with less responsibility and autonomy) that allowed me to be home more. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm damned sure not going to let the fact that I worked hard and have been professionally successful stand in the way of my choosing what brings me pleasure and what is best for my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another SAHM from that thread. I consider myself very fortunate. I had my child when I was 42. Would love to have another but unfortunately not possible at this point. My one and only is 4 so I love being able to SAH and enjoy his childhood. He attends preK and we have the option of early pickup which I use. We have a lot of fun together.

I worked for many years before I had a child and don't miss it at all. But I toy with the idea of returning but who knows? My husband will retire by the time our DC enters high school so I plan to join him in things we enjoy doing together. For now, I plan to volunteer in causes that interest me when he is in school full time.

I realize I never addressed your question. I don't feel guilty at all about SAH or "wasting my education." My career wasn't child friendly (understatement) so if I wanted to continue my career and do well, I would have stayed childless. Easy choice for me. I have many friends with similar backgrounds who are my age and childless. Everyone has to do what's right for them and I'm too old to care what anyone else thinks I should do.

[Anonymous]

Another SAHM who doesn't care. I worked for a bit with kids and it didn't "work" for me. I tend to ignore anyone rude enough to ask me silly questions about why I am not "working." Guilt for opting to be with your children seems to be a waste of time. FWIW--no career apart from SAHM could be as fulfilling for me..I too got married later in life and feel I have already checked off the corporate box. Who knows if I will go back at some point but it's not going to be because some hens try to make me feel bad. Also, I am careful not to go on and on about how someone shouldn't work..it's their life..their choice and if it works for their family--perfect.

[Anonymous]

Dad with Ivy degrees here. If my DW were earning enough for me to SAH, I'd do that in a heartbeat. I know that if I were earning enough for her to SAH, she'd want to do it too. Before someone gets up in my grill about the burden of SAH ... yes, I know it's no picnic. But I expect it would be a lot more fulfilling and less work than my current job.

[Anonymous]

I do understand the guilt, and I would say that only slowly over the past 6 years of parenting have I learned to separate my own personal value from my job/degrees/professional status as I defined them prior to children. I would also say that working part-time has been a good solution for me. I love being home with the kids and have done it for a while exclusively, but if part-time work or some volunteering or community involvement is an option for you it might help you engage those other parts of yourself that are important to you. Now that I am back in the workforce part-time, I can say that the moms I know at work are among the most efficient and productive employees around. Years of multitasking with the kids will serve you well in some workplace capacity someday!

[Anonymous]

One disappointment I have with SAHMs who have degrees from prestigious colleges and unis is that they are no longer in positions to change the workplace to make it more amenable to families. Someone has to stick it out to earn enough seniority at their places of work to drive institutional change. The SAHMs have passed the buck onto other parents, who will hopefully do the hard work of social change for them. Your daughters and sons may hopefully benefit from the work of this generation of WOTH mothers who are fighting for greater work-life balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One disappointment I have with SAHMs who have degrees from prestigious colleges and unis is that they are no longer in positions to change the workplace to make it more amenable to families. Someone has to stick it out to earn enough seniority at their places of work to drive institutional change. The SAHMs have passed the buck onto other parents, who will hopefully do the hard work of social change for them. Your daughters and sons may hopefully benefit from the work of this generation of WOTH mothers who are fighting for greater work-life balance.

When I left my most recent position, I was at least six years younger than anyone on the team reporting to me. I am glad to provide an example of someone who makes up her own mind about what is right for herself and for her family. If and when I return to work, I'll still likely be younger than most of any team I supervise. I think both my son and daughter will be well served by my example. There is no "passing of the buck" to anyone in my view. So if you're working hard for the benefit of my kids, don't bother. They are just fine. And people don't just "have" degrees from top colleges, professional and graduate schools, they work hard and earn them. But that's just one small part of life.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a SAHM but I don't think you're wasting your education. I think your guilt about it is more evidence that in our society we only see paid employment as having true worth. We pay lip service to raising children but ultimately we treat it like it's a nice but expensive hobby! Hang in there, OP!

[Anonymous]

I haven't passed on the buck to anyone. I took personal responsibility for my and my family's happiness. This is a new one--I am blamed for someone else's lack of happiness. Nice.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, well, I'll just be candid: I'd be pissed if I shelled out a small fortune for my kid's education and they decide to stay home and be a housewife/husband. And don't give me all this crap about how a great education makes for a better mom; you don't need THAT great an education to raise children well. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

PP, I hope you don't have kids or that your kids always do what you want them to, even when they are adults. It's not their lives to live; it's yours. If you pay for anything for your kids, make sure they know that there are not just strings but tough tendons attached, or you will be awfully pissed.