Celebrating Thanksgiving when one child is away?

[Anonymous]

How do you celebrate the holiday when one of your children is away?

My daughter and I are having a tough time deciding what to do this Thanksgiving, when her sister is away on a study-abroad program for high-schoolers. This is the first year we have not been all four at home for Thanksgiving. It doesn't feel right celebrating without my elder child, yet I don't want to deprive my younger child of the festivities. My younger daughter feels bad about her sister's not being here; she even asked to celebrate her birthday and her sister's weeks early, before her sister's departure in September, and we did do that. One consideration, though, is that I would hate for my elder daughter to feel gulity that her absence made us not enjoy a full Thanksgiving.

Some ideas we have batted around for this holiday are,

(1) postponing the annual Thanksgiving dinner to Xmas eve, when we will all be together again;

(2) having a scaled-back version of the Thanksgiving meal (usually a groaning board of 15 dishes including four different pies);

(3) going out to a restaurant ('though this would still feel as if we are leaving my elder daughter of something special); or

(4) doing the usual Thanksgiving.

How have you handled having a child away for the holidays? Or even if you haven't faced this, what would you do if you did? I would love to get your ideas and thoughts. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Um, first I would not make my other child feel like she plays second to her sister and that the world revolves around her sister. I'd celebrate it as usual.

You are so focused on your older child who is doing what normal teens do when they start to become independant, that you have lost sight of your FAMILY unit.

What about your husband, where is he in all this? Is it only you and your two daughters?

[Anonymous]

I'd say options 2-4 are all fine. I think option 1 is completely unnecessary! Won't you want to celebrate Christmas Eve when it's Christmas Eve?

If a 3-person Thanksgiving feels too small, think about who else you could invite who might be new to the country or away from family. Or do a scaled-back dinner if that's what you're feeling like--but don't give too much power to the absence of one person. (You said you'd make 4 pies for your family of 4. I could see dropping it back to 3, or even 2, but remember that your one missing daughter is only 1/4 of your family unit.)

Now that my siblings and I have left home, we enjoy being together whenever we can, and we might be a little flexible about holidays, but not enough to cancel festivities just because we can't be together. If we could all get together the Sunday after Thanksgiving and not on the day itself, I could see that we'd reschedule the Thanksgiving feast to that day. And we sometimes open Christmas presents from my parents a week early or later, if that's when we'll see them. But we wouldn't forego additional celebrations on the actual days (Thanksgiving, Christmas) just because one or more people is missing.

[Anonymous]

Um, first I would not make my other child feel like she plays second to her sister and that the world revolves around her sister. I'd celebrate it as usual.

You are so focused on your older child who is doing what normal teens do when they start to become independant, that you have lost sight of your FAMILY unit.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your thoughtful replies. Yes, even though my younger daughter doesn't like to celebrate special occasions without her big sister, I AM mindful that we not make her feel like a second fiddle this Thanksgiving.

Good question about DH: he doesn't like to decide things like this, leaving them all to me. I've asked about this Thanksgiving issue, and he's non-committal and unhelpful. This is his way of avoiding responsibility, as usual. This topic would be another thread, in the marriage forum.

[Anonymous]

Celebrate Thanksgiving as usual, except calling your older daughter to let her know that she is missed.

My in-laws made the mistake of creating a pressure/awkward situation when a family member could not be at every event and it has led to a lot of problems over the years. If you are lucky, your kids will grow up and have lives of their own and date, get married, etc. When this happens, they won't be able to go to every event. It's much better to set the example as a parent of "I love you and always want you here, but am not broken without you" than the example of "We all must be here and if you are not, things will not continue as usual." Be happy for your older daughter that she gets this experience and for the rest of the family that you get to celebrate Thanksgiving together and give special attention to each other.

By the way, this advice could be totally off the mark since I am biased since my in-laws are so much about family togetherness that it becomes a hassle rather than a joy. If I am off the mark, please just disregard.

[Anonymous]

Get a small turkey breast instead of the whole turkey and do a smaller scale Thanksgiving dinner.

[Anonymous]

We went out to dinner last year when a family member could not make it. It was too sad for me. Everyone (esp me) loved. We will all be together this year and we are still going out.

[Anonymous]

Send your older child a care package full of Thanksgiving treats, then skype with her on the day while you eat the same thing.

And have Thanksgiving as you normally would.

[Anonymous]

Have a normal Thanksgiving. Surely one teenage daughter was not responsible for eating the majority of the food? So maybe scale it back a little. Maybe 15 dishes for 4 people was too much to begin with. Let the other daughter pick her favorites.

And why worry so much about the older daughter missing a meal. Presumably she is having a great experience wherever she is that you aren't sharing in. Take the opportunity to make this special for the younger daughter.

[Anonymous]

My oldest just graduated from college and is in Afghanistan and will be for another 8 months. This is his second tour. My second is in Army Ranger School and won't be home for the Holidays. We will celebrate the same way we do every year. We'll have the same food. Set the same table. Talk about all the many things we have to be thankful for. And watch "Christmas Vacation" just like we do every year. Life doesn't stop just because a family member is absent.

[Anonymous]

Make the usual dinner. I imagine with just a family of 4 you might have had multiple dishes but not huge quantities. Especially with 2 girls. Take pictures or video chat with her during dinner. DC's away still feel it's home.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for your responses. I love reading about the ways that you handle the absence of family members during the holidays. I love the ideas you have offered. Lots of great advice here.

I nod as I read and think, that is right: Thanksgiving should go on as usual. So tonight I went out and bought a turkey and put it in the fridge; this is so that I am committed to the celebration and cannot chicken out now. I think my younger daughter was delighted to see me go full-steam ahead. My elder daughter will be having a Thanksgiving dinner with the other American students at her school abroad, so it's not as if she will miss a Thanksgiving meal. There's no e-mail or Skype allowed at this school, so we will take photos as one of you suggested and mail them. I think I will still do the same 15-dish meal as always (it is a gargantuan meal for four, with an 18-pound turkey and full-size sides and pies, but my family has always liked enjoying days and days of leftovers) but maybe have just three pies instead of four. Tonight I asked my younger daughter to choose which three pies I should make, and she chose three good ones. Who knows, but I may just throw in another pie after all and make it an even four.

I'm so glad you all helped me see the way to being OK with Thanksgiving dinner this year. Some of you have kids who have already spent holidays away, and I see that it is good to keep on with the family traditions. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

That's great op. Although I assume you didn't really get a turkey 2 weeks early since it would likely spoil before thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Celebrate Thanksgiving as usual, except calling your older daughter to let her know that she is missed.

My in-laws made the mistake of creating a pressure/awkward situation when a family member could not be at every event and it has led to a lot of problems over the years. If you are lucky, your kids will grow up and have lives of their own and date, get married, etc. When this happens, they won't be able to go to every event. It's much better to set the example as a parent of "I love you and always want you here, but am not broken without you" than the example of "We all must be here and if you are not, things will not continue as usual." Be happy for your older daughter that she gets this experience and for the rest of the family that you get to celebrate Thanksgiving together and give special attention to each other.

By the way, this advice could be totally off the mark since I am biased since my in-laws are so much about family togetherness that it becomes a hassle rather than a joy. If I am off the mark, please just disregard.

This.