Divorce 101

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm swiftly headed down the path to divorce. Three young children. Serial infidelity on my husband's part. Which led to money issues.

We will sell our home and probably take our kids out of their private school. We will all survive, I know.

So, I am trying to do everything I need to do PLUS look forward and imagine where the kids and I will be living in a year. Can anyone suggest great places to live for divorced moms with kids? I wish I knew our budget for our new home, but I just don't.

SO, I'm feeling pretty fragile, but hoping I won't get flamed and might get some wise advice here about where to live. I will *probably* be working somewhere in or near downtown DC. So I'm trying to figure out if I should be "imagining" apartments, condos, townhouses, or small homes somewhere not too far from downtown DC. Someplace with a community pool to make up for our lost family home? Someplace diverse, with all types of families? Somewhere with a patch of green for my kids to run around on? Yet not too far from stores and a community?

I don't know - I'm flailing around here. I want to give my children the best possible life. Any and all suggestions are so welcomed. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

No specifics OP as I'm a Baltimore burb dweller, but just keep putting one foot in front of the next. You will get through this. Sending virtual support.

[Anonymous]

As someone in the new-to-this, I'd strongly encourage you to think about apartment buildings and on a metro line. With parking space. When you are a single mom, dealing with a lawn, shwoveling snow off the car or out of the driveway, fixing the gutters when they start to leak, it all can feel very very burdensome, because of the pressures on you.

You might post in off topics and ask about kid-friendly apartment buildings and get some ideas of buildings in which to look?

You should start thinking ahead to assets: make sure you have a copies of all financial papers (bank statements, account #s, balances), especially if he's been handling the finances. Make sure ou have information about the house (mortgage, title certificate insurance) and insurance policies (health, life, disability).

Start hording cash now in some place off the radar screen (can't be a savings account). Take from any marital assets, like his salary or a joint checking account ideally, to start building up this nest egg. If divorce is still some months off, you may be able to build a substantial cache that will be "yours" and no need to divide it.

IF you can do it, separate in the summer, so that the kids experience a more natural transition, but.... of course they will survive anything and I'd make this the smallest of your considerations.

[Anonymous]

You sound grounded, OP. Good for you for realizing you need out and that it WILL be better in a year (maybe two max). It will suck for a while, but you can get through it and you have plenty of life left to love. I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You do sound grounded. Won't schools drive your choice of where to live, or is the children's father in a good school district? How many bedrooms? Maybe call an agent? It might be worth the fee.

[Anonymous]

As a pp stated, apartment buildings that are kid friendly are a godsend. No lawn care to deal with. As for location, it depends on your lifestyle and what makes you happy. I live downtown with my dc, and love it.

[Anonymous]

Thank you. I really appreciate every act of kindness right now, every word of advice. Also, I don't feel very grounded, but I'm working on it.

I have done a bit of research about schools, which seems to be a logical starting point. I like living in the city, and I like the fact that there are lots of different types of people and families here. So one option would be to move to a DC neighborhood with good public schools - IF I can afford it.

Thank you to the posters who said that apartments make life easy. I hadn't really fully thought about the stresses of owning and maintaining your own home. Plus I wonder if it would be isolating to live in a single home in a new neighborhood as a single mom.

But I have to confess that I often think of moving somewhere else to just get a fresh start. To some little house somewhere with a little green yard in the burbs where my kids could run around our backyard.

Or somewhere in between these two realities.

The good news is that I have months to decide where we will live. Thank you everyone - I really appreciate it. Please keep any suggestions coming - if you love where you live, please let me know!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone in the new-to-this, I'd strongly encourage you to think about apartment buildings and on a metro line. With parking space. When you are a single mom, dealing with a lawn, shwoveling snow off the car or out of the driveway, fixing the gutters when they start to leak, it all can feel very very burdensome, because of the pressures on you.

You might post in off topics and ask about kid-friendly apartment buildings and get some ideas of buildings in which to look?

You should start thinking ahead to assets: make sure you have a copies of all financial papers (bank statements, account #s, balances), especially if he's been handling the finances. Make sure ou have information about the house (mortgage, title certificate insurance) and insurance policies (health, life, disability).

Start hording cash now in some place off the radar screen (can't be a savings account). Take from any marital assets, like his salary or a joint checking account ideally, to start building up this nest egg. If divorce is still some months off, you may be able to build a substantial cache that will be "yours" and no need to divide it.

IF you can do it, separate in the summer, so that the kids experience a more natural transition, but.... of course they will survive anything and I'd make this the smallest of your considerations.

OP here. Thank you so much for all this practical advice. I'm sad that the separation can't wait until summer, but I'm hoping my children are resilient enough to overcome this. God, divorce is hell. Thank you again.

[Anonymous]

OP again, sorry, I meant to say thank you for all the advice AND point out that the attorneys didn't mention not to start a savings account. So I'll follow up on this. I opened an account last week - UGH.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you currently work?
Where do you currently live?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you currently work?
Where do you currently live?

OP here.
No
NW DC

[Anonymous]

Do you know where your ex will be livnig? Since you don't know exactly where you will be working, but think downtown, I would start by I looking at apartments near a metro and if you want good school district in DC, that limits you (unless, as a PP suggested, your ex will be living in a good school district--but can you count on that?). Big apartment buildings are good--both because you dn't know what your life will look like in a couple years, so don't buy now and because it is easier. Toilet broken? It gets fixed,e tc.

places that tend to have large buildings in decent school districts in dc--well, along the red line I guess from dupont up toward bethesda/shady grove. Can Ness area has good buildings and playground, etc. In addition to DC, I would encourage you to look in silver spring, near downtown ss. Friend just moved to new big condo near there with her 2 kids. Decent schools, things to walk to, and a fairly decent commute to metro center--not significantly longer than if she lived in upper NW but cheaper/bigger.

Btw, how old are your kids? Will yo be returning to a career that you left off earlier? Do you have a sense of what salary you might command?

good luck OP, I'm so sorry for you and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you currently work?
Where do you currently live?

OP here.
No
NW DC

OK, so reading this post makes me think you need to start networking because you will need to start working unless you get an amazing alimony/child support package. I'd start brainstorming people to informational interview. I'd start setting up coffee dates and lunch dates with all your former coworkers and I'd get in touch with any alumni associations and any professional associations in your industry. Maybe you can start volunteering a few hours a few days a week to start building up your resume. I would want to get some foundations laid here before stuff starts hitting the fan.

Also your dream about the little house, you seriously are out of touch with the realities of single mom life. Think convenience, streamlined lifestyle, and economically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know where your ex will be livnig? Since you don't know exactly where you will be working, but think downtown, I would start by I looking at apartments near a metro and if you want good school district in DC, that limits you (unless, as a PP suggested, your ex will be living in a good school district--but can you count on that?). Big apartment buildings are good--both because you dn't know what your life will look like in a couple years, so don't buy now and because it is easier. Toilet broken? It gets fixed,e tc.

places that tend to have large buildings in decent school districts in dc--well, along the red line I guess from dupont up toward bethesda/shady grove. Can Ness area has good buildings and playground, etc. In addition to DC, I would encourage you to look in silver spring, near downtown ss. Friend just moved to new big condo near there with her 2 kids. Decent schools, things to walk to, and a fairly decent commute to metro center--not significantly longer than if she lived in upper NW but cheaper/bigger.

Btw, how old are your kids? Will yo be returning to a career that you left off earlier? Do you have a sense of what salary you might command?

good luck OP, I'm so sorry for you and the kids.

Thank you. No, no idea where ex will be living, though I'm assuming northern VA. Long story.

Thanks for the "big apartment building" suggestions. And I will definitely look into SS. Cheaper and bigger and without a significantly longer commute sounds pretty good right now. I want to do a little more research into public schools in SS.

I have twins, ages six, and a four-year-old. It's going to be difficult for them. It keeps me up at night.

Just had a job interview for a position in Bethesda. I'll have to see if it works out. Not my dream job, but at least it will give us some security.

Thanks again - I really appreciate it.