S/O circumcision thread - if you and your spouse disagreed, but you ended up NOT circumcising....

[Anonymous]

if you and your spouse didn't agree on whether to circumcise your son, but you ended up not circumcising, can you tell me how you eventually got to your resolution? i'm in a situation where i feel strongly opposed to circumcision, whereas my husband is in favor (the usual arguments ... wanting his son to look like him, reduction in infections, etc.). was there anything in particular you said or did, or resources you provided, that helped your spouse or partner become comfortable with the idea of not circumcising? normally i'm very willing to compromise with my husband, but with circumcision, i just feel so strongly opposed to it that i feel compelled to refuse to do it no matter what.

[Anonymous]

If there's disagreement I think the default has to be the reversible option: don't circ. Or similarly, if the parents disagree, the decision goes to the child.

[Anonymous]

agree with 1336--if there's a disagreement the default should be to the decision that can be changed based on need or your son's preference. for us, I was strongly opposed, DH was kind of for it.

Without getting into the debate to do it or not (or what the right answer is), which this thread will likely turn into, here is the way I approached it: I opposed the "look alike" argument with logic (are you really going to compare penises with your son with regularity) and stats--the number of circs in the US is declining and about 60/40 so he wouldn't the only one. for medical: I argued there was no medical organization that endorsed it, we will teach our son safe sex habits, and if he needs it b/c of excessive UTIs, then we'll do it once there is an existing medical need. Also, I indicated that the risks may be minimal, but there are risks and I didn't think we should expose our son to them without medical need or overwhelming consensus. So we didn't do it. FWIW, my son is 4 and hasn't had any UTIs or problems. And my DH hasn't not mentioned it since we decided so obviously not plaguing him. One day I'm gonna tell my son he can thank his mom for standing up for his penis, I'm sure that won't mortify him at all!

Also if you feel strongly, you could let your DH get his preferred approach on something else that you haven't reached a consensus on: middle name for example.

[Anonymous]

My DH very much suscribed to the "everyone does it" "I want him to look like me" nonsense in the beginning. Basically, it was just a strong assumption that I had to counter throughout the 10 months of the pregnancy with actual facts (the PP points out many above). We also watched a circ video on Youtube. He had his "duh" moment about a month before our son was born and totally changed his mind. Don't be aggressive or tell him that he is wrong wrong wrong. Just calmly discuss, point out facts, nicely refute his points.

[Anonymous]

I think PP brings up something I've also noticed anecdotally - it's not uncommon for people to change their minds right after the baby is born. In one friend's case the baby was in the NICU and once he was stable they just couldn't bring themselves to add an elective procedure on top of everything he'd just experienced; in another case there were no health issues, just a "this baby is perfect already" gut reaction once the baby was a reality, as opposed to the more detached discussions they'd had before the birth. And while I don't know of any such anecdotes personally, I'm sure there are reversed cases, where for example the religious tradition feels much more important after you've given birth.
So, just remember nothing has to be set in stone right now.

[Anonymous]

I just don't understand the "look like me" argument. DH has no idea if his dad is circumcized... He isn't circ'd but didn't have strong feelings either way. He assumed we would do it, just because it's "the norm." I was opposed, we found out it really isn't the norm anymore, and so we figured there was no reason to do it.

[Anonymous]

We were the opposite (I was somewhat in favor of circumcision; DH was strongly opposed) so we deferred to him. Partly because he's the one with more personal experience (though funnily enough, he is circumcised and has no issue with it from that perspective---just didn't want what he sees as unnecessary surgery) but mostly because he felt far more strongly about opposing it than I felt about supporting it.

I will say that I think the look alike argument is silly (DH cannot remember ever comparing with his dad, although they are both circumcised) and I also think the "leave the decision to the kid" argument is silly---read up on adult circumcision and you'll find it's not really a viable option given any more so than reconstructive foreskin surgery is a viable option. Just embrace that you are making a medical decision for your child, and that's okay (and part of your job as a parent---you will have to make many more of these decisions before you're done!)

[Anonymous]

We're the opposite and still we're going with the "reversibleness" approach.

DH is getting it his way but if any complication arrises DS will get circed.

[Anonymous]

I was strongly against it (in the "you will have to pry my baby from my arms against my will" camp) and DH was not adamantly for it but had just assumed it would be done. He read the AAP position paper (which summarizes the research and concludes that it's not medically necessary or advisable, leaving it as a personal choice). He also read some of the STD research referenced by the AAP and that was enough to ease his fears about the medical issues, especially since the strongest correlation is in contexts where other protection (like condoms) is not regularly used. In terms of the "fitting in" element, DH was also reassured by the data that suggested the rates would be more 50-50 for DS's generation. Finally, we both did some reading on care and function so that DH wouldn't feel like not being "the same" put him at a loss regarding talking to or taking care of his son.

For us, the dynamic was definitely one of DH coming to be comfortable with (rather than just resigned to) something I felt very strongly about. He would not have circ'ed DS against my wishes, so he was willing to do the reading on the issue himself. While I was sympathetic to his emotional concerns, they weren't enough for me to elect for the surgery.

[Anonymous]

Our midwife provided the deciding piece of info. Her husband was circ'd as an adult and described the before/after difference as sex in HD vs. sex with rabbit ears. My husband didn't want to give his boy 13" rabbit ears when he could have a big-screen HD experience instead.

[Anonymous]

I very much wanted our son to be circ'ed. My husband, who is not himself, was against it. We discussed it numerous times and read several articles. In the end, we agreed that we weren't going to change each other's minds and I deferred to my husband. I still wish we had just done it, but I've never mentioned it again and don't plan to.

[Anonymous]

when in doubt cut it out. No one regrets circumcision, it's usually the other way around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:when in doubt cut it out. No one regrets circumcision, it's usually the other way around

Funny you should mention that....my DH greatly regrets his circumcision. It was done too tightly, so the skin on his penis is always over-stretched and makes sex a bit painful. Plus he has a big ugly scar that makes his penis twist a little bit. He would do anything to undo the harm he feels his parents inflicted on him, without his consent. Penises were not designed to have half the skin ripped off of them.

[Anonymous]

PP who decided against it in keeping with DH's strong opposition...just to add that one of the funny things we did was to talk to our friends about it (talk about weird conversations!) and their experiences. About a third were not circumcised and 2/3 were (all GenXers born in the 70s, though some US-born and some born in other countries)...and absolutely no one---I mean NO ONE---cared one way or the other about their own experience (despite some having strong opinions on whether their children would or wouldn't be circumcised). It just was what it was---no regrets or resenting of parents on either side of the aisle. So I found that interesting---not really an argument for or against; just a thing to know. Whatever you choose, it's not going to drastically affect your child's future one way or the other, I imagine, which was reassuring for me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:when in doubt cut it out. No one regrets circumcision, it's usually the other way around

Funny you should mention that....my DH greatly regrets his circumcision. It was done too tightly, so the skin on his penis is always over-stretched and makes sex a bit painful. Plus he has a big ugly scar that makes his penis twist a little bit. He would do anything to undo the harm he feels his parents inflicted on him, without his consent. Penises were not designed to have half the skin ripped off of them.

Sounds more like this http://www.mamashealth.com/men/penilefracture.asp than cicumcision.