Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Experts recommend to expose the affair.
-It gives the best chance of ending it.
- It breaks cheaters out of "affair fog and their fantasy.
- It gives a chance to compare details with the other spouse and protect yourself (health and other)
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-stop-an-affair-by-exposing-it/
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/when-should-an-affair-be-exposed.htm

All of this, above.

People deserve to live their lives and make decisions, large and small, based on reality. When a spouse is in the dark about the other spouse's cheating, the betrayed spouse may be happy day to day but is actually living without all the information to have true agency and autonomy over his or her own life. True agency can come at a painful price but at least once the betrayed spouse knows the truth, he will be making choices based on the full story, not on lies.

Heed the person who posted earlier in the thread about how she had a child while her DH was having an affair and she was unaware. So many choices and decisions get made--a pregnancy, a home purchase, a career change, retirement plans, many others. Just imagine making all those choices thinking you and your spouse are a team and have the same goals, values, agenda, end game, when in reality you are not a team and not on the same page fully. That's what it's like when one spouse is in the dark and the other is having an affair. The cheating spouse is taking away the betrayed spouse's agency. And the betrayed spouse has no idea, and goes on making changes, plans, decisions based on a relationship which only exists in his or her mind, not in reality.

What's worse is when they keep it like that while secretly planning to leave them when the kids are older. All that time the spouse was kept in the dark and not preparing themselves financially or forgoing dreams and other things to support the marriage for someone that then plans to blindside them later (And never reveal the truth of the years of infidelity).

It really is incredibly, incredibly cruel.

I think you both and the experts are too shallow in your thinking. When you marry a high-quality person, you're accepting a higher likelihood that your spouse will cheat. If you really want to be fully confident your spouse won't cheat, you marry someone who won't have any opportunities to cheat. In other words, someone nobody wants.

So you indeed have agency by marrying the person you choose to marry. Then you need to do everything you can to make your spouse NOT want to cheat. That means keeping yourself in shape and doing your part for the marriage. If you're the relative breadwinner, you better keep doing well at your career while making your spouse uncertain of just how much she would get in a settlement.

If you're the non-breadwinner spouse, then you need to make life as pleasurable as possible for the breadwinner. That means enhancing his image in the streets and rocking his world under the sheets. It means making sure he doesn't have to deal with picking up your sniffling kid from school. It means you deal with your Mom or Dad's passing yourself and don't be a PITA about your grieving and sadness.

To stay married to a high-value person who will have opportunities to cheat, you want your mate to feel like they are taking too big a chance in cheating on you. THAT's where you have agency.

It seems your definition of a “high quality person” is incredibly off target if you think that by definition, such a person is more likely to cheat. SMH.

Well, I know a prominent medical researcher who dumped his wife and hooked up with a stone cold hottie just out of college. He met this woman when she went to work in the lab and love blossomed. If his wife hadn’t been all emotional and hectoring him about the kids’ feelings and mental health and her grieving her parent’s passing, things would have been fine. If she had just been more FUN things would have been fine.

But no. She forgot that her market value dropped over the past twenty years as his grew by leaps and bounds. She forgot that her husband had earned the right to marry a trophy, and if she couldn’t be that status symbol she had to step aside and let him be with someone worthy of who he is NOW.

It’s the “fun stepmom” poster. “Stone cold hottie”

Wow, that poster is delusional. Wait until she has her own family and kids, and learns about the stresses in life while balancing a career (ie no longer being “fun”).

[Anonymous]

Depends whether or not you want to stay with your cheating husband. If you’re sticking with him, leave the other couple out of your lives. If you’re leaving, tell her husband.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t tell if I am staying with my cheating spouse. I wouldn’t want the drama and chances are likely that a man would divorce his cheating wife and now more incentive for her to pursue your DH.

Basically if you plan to stay with your spouse just focus on your marriage.

[Anonymous]

I would tell because I would definitely want to know if DH was cheating. It would feel terrible to be left in the dark if my spouse was doing this.

Also, it’s completely the cheaters fault if their spouse finds out or is told, if you don’t want to get caught cheating don’t cheat. I don’t get posters saying you owe it to your spouse and the person they are sleeping with to keep their secret. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.


I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that.

Re 1.- they ruined my kids- no qualms about their kids. They should have put them first and thought about them before cheating.

That’s a perspective…but it’s also like saying you can abuse kids from abusive households because their parents don’t care. The kids have a value separate from the parents. The statistical outcomes from divorce aren’t great and I wouldn’t to be the reason for it if I imjad a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends whether or not you want to stay with your cheating husband. If you’re sticking with him, leave the other couple out of your lives. If you’re leaving, tell her husband.

I think this is probably the best advice if you actually want to stay. Adding the drama of another reveal is likely to complicate matters. Maybe your DH should tell him? That would definitely end the chances of renewing the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.


I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that.

Re 1.- they ruined my kids- no qualms about their kids. They should have put them first and thought about them before cheating.

That’s a perspective…but it’s also like saying you can abuse kids from abusive households because their parents don’t care. The kids have a value separate from the parents. The statistical outcomes from divorce aren’t great and I wouldn’t to be the reason for it if I imjad a choice.

Oh god—NOT. Telling the betrayed spouse is just that. What happens from there is not your concern. Always tell. It’s too bad they do something so selfish and hurtful that they could cause two divorces. They are scum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.


I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that.

Re 1.- they ruined my kids- no qualms about their kids. They should have put them first and thought about them before cheating.

That’s a perspective…but it’s also like saying you can abuse kids from abusive households because their parents don’t care. The kids have a value separate from the parents. The statistical outcomes from divorce aren’t great and I wouldn’t to be the reason for it if I imjad a choice.

Oh god—NOT. Telling the betrayed spouse is just that. What happens from there is not your concern. Always tell. It’s too bad they do something so selfish and hurtful that they could cause two divorces. They are scum.

^the cheaters are scum, not the messenger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends whether or not you want to stay with your cheating husband. If you’re sticking with him, leave the other couple out of your lives. If you’re leaving, tell her husband.

I think this is probably the best advice if you actually want to stay. Adding the drama of another reveal is likely to complicate matters. Maybe your DH should tell him? That would definitely end the chances of renewing the affair.

It all depends. I received a confession and “do whatever I needed to do.” Confronted AP and when person was so ugly and unapologetic- sent the spouse an email. Done. If there was any kind of remorse or acknowledgement of the pain the cheating caused, a simple “sorry”- I might have let it go—but I had knowledge this was a serial cheater and felt the spouse deserved to know as there was talk of blindsiding then down the road. Just a really sh@t person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.


I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that.

Re 1.- they ruined my kids- no qualms about their kids. They should have put them first and thought about them before cheating.

That’s a perspective…but it’s also like saying you can abuse kids from abusive households because their parents don’t care. The kids have a value separate from the parents. The statistical outcomes from divorce aren’t great and I wouldn’t to be the reason for it if I imjad a choice.

Oh god—NOT. Telling the betrayed spouse is just that. What happens from there is not your concern. Always tell. It’s too bad they do something so selfish and hurtful that they could cause two divorces. They are scum.

I think adults are responsible for their actions. All adults. All actions. And if telling has a consequence then yes, the person telling is responsible. I’m good with all kinds of consequences to the other adults but wouldn’t impose them on kids. You can have a different view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.


I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that.

Re 1.- they ruined my kids- no qualms about their kids. They should have put them first and thought about them before cheating.

That’s a perspective…but it’s also like saying you can abuse kids from abusive households because their parents don’t care. The kids have a value separate from the parents. The statistical outcomes from divorce aren’t great and I wouldn’t to be the reason for it if I imjad a choice.

Oh god—NOT. Telling the betrayed spouse is just that. What happens from there is not your concern. Always tell. It’s too bad they do something so selfish and hurtful that they could cause two divorces. They are scum.

I think adults are responsible for their actions. All adults. All actions. And if telling has a consequence then yes, the person telling is responsible. I’m good with all kinds of consequences to the other adults but wouldn’t impose them on kids. You can have a different view.

FFS you are messed up. The person opening her legs and be fin over repeatedly and lying to their spouse is responsible. My god.

If I watch a murder and tell the police —I’m responsible for their actions?

You really have a efffed up value system.

Cheaters can’t take responsibility fir their actions. It’s always somebody else’s fault. This poster’s response is a prime example.

If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.

Good parents put their kids first and don’t engage in behavior that has the ability to destroy their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.


I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that.

Re 1.- they ruined my kids- no qualms about their kids. They should have put them first and thought about them before cheating.

That’s a perspective…but it’s also like saying you can abuse kids from abusive households because their parents don’t care. The kids have a value separate from the parents. The statistical outcomes from divorce aren’t great and I wouldn’t to be the reason for it if I imjad a choice.

Oh god—NOT. Telling the betrayed spouse is just that. What happens from there is not your concern. Always tell. It’s too bad they do something so selfish and hurtful that they could cause two divorces. They are scum.

I think adults are responsible for their actions. All adults. All actions. And if telling has a consequence then yes, the person telling is responsible. I’m good with all kinds of consequences to the other adults but wouldn’t impose them on kids. You can have a different view.

The kids aren’t involved. The person being told is an adult. Just like the kids weren’t in the hotel room when my was blowing another man.

[Anonymous]

^mom

[Anonymous]

You tell. You don’t make it dramatic. A simple email will suffice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell because I would definitely want to know if DH was cheating. It would feel terrible to be left in the dark if my spouse was doing this.

Also, it’s completely the cheaters fault if their spouse finds out or is told, if you don’t want to get caught cheating don’t cheat. I don’t get posters saying you owe it to your spouse and the person they are sleeping with to keep their secret. Gross.

^ this