Quitting my job to be a SAHM .... Advice?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have decided that I will quit my full time job to become a SAHM. We have a 3yo and a 10mo. Although I am very excited about this decision, I'm nervous about the financial aspect of living on one income. I'm seeking advice from other SAHM on how to deal with just one income. My job has allowed us to pay off our debts (except for mortgage) so we're in a good financial position for me to quit but long term, I'm nervous about how to deal with it.

Aside from the financial aspect, when do you get time for yourself?

Also any advice for other SAHM who have decided to quit their career to become a SAHM? How was your transition?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I have done the same thing (altho I only have 1 child, 7 months.) It was a no-brainer decision for me, and I will never, ever regret it. That being said, here are some thoughts:

I love my husband so, so, so much, and he is so helpful around the house and with the baby when he gets home. But -- it is still so easy to let resentment toward him set in. For example -- when he has a particularly tough time getting her down to sleep, then comes out of the nursery wiped out and needing a break -- I think to myself, or sometimes say out loud, yeah, trying doing that three times a day, with little or no recognition (since I'm home alone). It shocks me to feel like that, but it happens a lot.

I have found that I have to plan at least one outing, playdate, lunch, etc every day. If I don't, an entire day has gone by and we haven't really left the house, I haven't spoken to anyone besides the baby.. and I go crazy. But this is a tough one for us, since I'm of the opinion that naps are golden, so our schedule limits us to short windows when we can get out.

Regarding finances, staying at home is not something we can afford in the long run, we are taking it year by year. We planned to tighten the belt - however, I haven't really taken it seriously. It's so easy to go to Target or Babies or Us and spend on things you really think you need. Or still go on that annual beach vacation you take every year with your friends, where money seems to just evaporate from your wallet. 7 months have gone by and we haven't tightened the belt at all. It's easier said than done. And now it's going to affect how long we can afford for me to stay home.

Regarding my career -- I don't miss it at all. I was very successful and people were truly shocked when I left, but again, I always knew it was the right thing for me and my family. So that has made this transition much easier. And who knows what will happen when I try to get back into the workforce. But that's a gamble I'm happy to take.

One final thought -- designate a little saying that your husband knows means you really, really need a break, no questions asked. Not a break like you're tired, it's been a long day, but if you had to, you could spend another hour with a fussy baby. I mean a break like you are about to go out of your mind, you feel like you cannot take it anymore. So, you don't get any discussion or a negotiation of who is more tired, you or your husband. You just say the phrase and he knows he needs to take over until you can regroup. Our phrase is -- I'm at my wits' end. Stupid, but that's what came out of my mouth one sleep deprived night after my colicky baby had been crying for a month straight.

Good luck, and have fun!

[Anonymous]

That is a great question and I could give you advice for hours. I think the relationship dynamic you have with your husband will make all the difference. Staying home can be lonely and boring. You will be tired and at times resentful. I often want to go back to work but then I hug my children and know I made the right choice. If your husband works late or doesn't do his share of work around the house it can be tough. If he comes home, jumps right in and helps then it can be great. Talk, talk and talk some more about what is working and what it not working. Take a deep breath when you are frustrated and always apologize if you are wrong. Get out of the house, be organized and have good friends to have a drink with. Ugh, I could go on.... There is so much to staying home but every situation is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I love my husband so, so, so much, and he is so helpful around the house and with the baby when he gets home. But -- it is still so easy to let resentment toward him set in. For example -- when he has a particularly tough time getting her down to sleep, then comes out of the nursery wiped out and needing a break -- I think to myself, or sometimes say out loud, yeah, trying doing that three times a day, with little or no recognition (since I'm home alone). It shocks me to feel like that, but it happens a lot.

I do the same thing!

[Anonymous]

OP here .... thanks for all of your advice. I have a wonderful supportive husband that never has an issue when it comes to taking care of our little ones. I love the idea of giving him a phrase (cue) that I need a break. He's been home with the kids alone before (albeit not all day) so he can sympathize with the tiredness and fustration of being with kids. Our toddler is 3yo so he's approaching the "challenging" phase. Like one of the posters, I agree that naptime is golden. My infant is on two naps while my toddler is on one and their naps don't overlap so that will be a challenge..for awhile.

I don't think I will ever regret making this decision as I feel my #1 job is raising my kids. I know in a blink of an eye, they will be going off to college.

[Anonymous]

I stayed home for 2 years and the first year was fun, like playing house. Then the 2nd year reality and boredom crept in. I returned to work PT when DS was 2. I have many SAH friends who proclaim happiness, but then 5 min later are complaining that they are stressed, bored, undervalued, and generally unhappy in their marriages. I honestly cannot say I know one single mom who thinks its great and hunky-dorey, they all shoulder a very large amount of domestic workload, which is much harder and extremely tedious. I remember DH coming home at 7pm and me just handing DS over and running to my room to decompress. Not a good feeling.

I personally could not do it longer than 2 years. Now that DS is an older tot and more social the PT daycare is extremely beneficial. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything. If I worked FT maybe I would.

As a former SHAM, I do not uderstand why it is glorified. The realities that I saw on a daily basis in my circle of friends are not in line with the pretty picture people try to paint. With that said, I will SAH with my 2nd for at least another 2 years, but this time I will know mind numbing it can be.

[Anonymous]

And not to be an alarmist, but...

I think it's critical to set realistic goals if you plan to reenter the workforce down the road -- particularly if you left a highly competitive field. I was shocked when a friend of mine had such a tough time landing a job equivalent to the one she left at a big law firm -- not to be a SAHM since she doesn't have kids, but rather to care for her ailing parent for one year. She couldn't even land an interview and she graduated from one of the top law schools and had years of experience at two top firms. She finally did start getting interviews (and ultimately a job at another big firm) once she reworked her resume and beefed up the description of what she did during her one-year "vacation" to care for a dieing parent. She had some pro bono work and volunteer stuff to add since she was active with an org (served on their Bd), etc. So, if you plan to go back to work down the road, you should do something to really stay connected to your field and perhaps volunteer somewhere so that your resume continues to evolve while you stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And not to be an alarmist, but...

I think it's critical to set realistic goals if you plan to reenter the workforce down the road -- particularly if you left a highly competitive field. I was shocked when a friend of mine had such a tough time landing a job equivalent to the one she left at a big law firm -- not to be a SAHM since she doesn't have kids, but rather to care for her ailing parent for one year. She couldn't even land an interview and she graduated from one of the top law schools and had years of experience at two top firms. She finally did start getting interviews (and ultimately a job at another big firm) once she reworked her resume and beefed up the description of what she did during her one-year "vacation" to care for a dieing parent. She had some pro bono work and volunteer stuff to add since she was active with an org (served on their Bd), etc. So, if you plan to go back to work down the road, you should do something to really stay connected to your field and perhaps volunteer somewhere so that your resume continues to evolve while you stay at home.

Wow, that's not at all what was asked here.

[Anonymous]

12:48 here

To the PP. It really depends, I have popped in and out and am now making a lot of money as a 1099 PT. Granted, I have a very specific skillset that is rare in my industry, but it can be done. You just have to work yourself into a nitche.

I too have always kept in contact with old colleagues. When I was SAH, I never turned down an happy hour with the old office and always kept up with people via email. I was always popping up to say hi. I also met co-workers for lunch (with baby when he was little) and then found a sitter when he got unruly. When I approaced them as a 1099 to do freelance, they were very receptive, because I had kept in touch. Also, when networking, I steered away from "baby focused" conversations. I wanted to still be seen as a professional, even if my current job tasks at the time consisted of poopy diapers and playing "kitchen".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, that's not at all what was asked here.

Since when do people refrain from opinions on DCUM? Is this your first time visiting the site?

[Anonymous]

"I too have always kept in contact with old colleagues. When I was SAH, I never turned down an happy hour with the old office and always kept up with people via email. I was always popping up to say hi. I also met co-workers for lunch (with baby when he was little) and then found a sitter when he got unruly. When I approaced them as a 1099 to do freelance, they were very receptive, because I had kept in touch. Also, when networking, I steered away from "baby focused" conversations. I wanted to still be seen as a professional, even if my current job tasks at the time consisted of poopy diapers and playing "kitchen". "


That is all excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Hi,
I'm lucky enough to stay at home, and I'm a mother of a two-year-old and a three-year-old. I do some freelance work from my house, which keeps me connected to my field.

Financially, I try to save money by skipping the elaborate vacations and doing a lot of short weekend trips. These are better for my young kids anyway. We cook more and go out to dinner less. We try not to order in food as much. Less drycleaning, less money on work clothes. We don't do things like buy season tickets to the Nationals games anymore (biggest waste of money).

To me, it's the greatest and most rewarding thing I've ever done. I've grown in so many ways - my children teach me more about myself and about the world than I ever could have imagined. I'm here to see them grow and learn every day.

My only advice is to find a nice young babysitter who has lots of energy and treat her really nicely! Then you can have some time for yourself - and feel good that your children are having fun and are safe. Even if you just use that time to go to the gym or a manicure, it will keep you balanced.

Good luck! I hope you love it as much as I do!

[Anonymous]

OP, One really important thing to me is having a network of friends who either do SAH or have in the past, so I have someone to commiserate with and sometimes just plain, old complain to. Most of my mom friends in DC still work, but I'm regularly on the phone with friends at home in Boston who stay at home with their kids. It really helps when you can connect with someone who understands what you go through because your husband, unfortunately, will not. Best wishes, I hope you enjoy your new role...

[Anonymous]

This is the PP again...I forgot to mention that, in terms of living on one salary, one of the best things we've done is make a list (on our fridge) of purchases we want to make. We both used to be impulse buyers. Now, if we want to buy something we put it on the list and if we still want it in 2 months, we buy it. I can't tell you how many things we have saved on...from shoes to fancy jogging strollers to weekend trips. It's not the only thing we've had to do to save, but it has been the most effective.

[Anonymous]

My advice to you is to get a buddy Mom or two. Make friends that have children around your children's age. It's fun to be a SAHM if you have company. It's awfully tedious if you don't. Babies are boring, and toddlers only less so, and I love them no matter what. But, having a SAH friends is the best way to cope. You can admire each other's children and gossip about your husbands weird friends and habits.